Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMan’sDickMonday, May 5st , 2014.
Happy Birthday to Vince, who may or may not turn twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Happy Birthday also to Katie, who does in fact turn twenty-four today in some part of California that is neither El Lay, nor WeHo, nor Fran Sancisco, where they think Rice-A-Roni™ is a treat. Who knew?
And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to The Sainted Mother, who turns twenty-four today somewhere out in Penn’s Woods. (Where is the time machine? It’s in the credenza. Where is the credenza? It’s in the time machine.)
Also, Happy Cinco de Mayo to everybody else.
And now, you must stop whatever you are doing, because you cannot exist for one more moment on this planet without having experienced this: http://shittywigsinproductionsofjoseph.tumblr.com/
In other news, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Lenny Kravitz…
In still other news, We have two upcoming shows which We would like to bring to your attention deficit disorder: on Thursday, May 8th, We will be performing in the next installment of The Walker and O’Dare Radio Mystery Hour at the Powel House. We should like to point out that, although in the style of an old-time radio show, these are original scripts by a very talented writer. This program is in danger of cancellation (through no fault of its own…due to a change in management at the Philadelphia Society for the Preservation of Landmarks), so We could really use your support in Our efforts to remain at the Powel House or find a new home.
Please get your tickets here: http://philadelphia-society-for-the-preservation-of-landmar.ticketleap.com/walkerandodaremystery/
(We are told that said tickets are currently HALF-PRICE (!) (We have apparently been kidnapped by K-Mart. Again.))
Also, on Saturday, May 10th, the WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at L’Etage. In keeping with the Mothers Day theme, We will be leaving Jesus H. Christ’s hippie wig at home, and performing for the first time as Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod. You won’t want to miss THAT! (In order not to miss it, please get your tickets here:
and join in the SitOnMyFaceBook event here:
And on Friday, We do the murder mystery, which means We get to do three different shows in three days, because Our life is cool like that. Which also means that, because We have noticed in advance that We’re doing something that makes Us happy, that people are going to try to poop in Our punch bowl…just you watch.
In other news, We suddenly find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):
And here’s the HorrorScope:
As if all of the other excitement of the day were not (subjunctively) enough, it is also Ann B. Davis’s birthday today.
Emotionally, you are at your peak right now. (Wethinks you are confusing “peak” with “pique”. AssHatt.)
It’s a great time to work on old issues that have bothered you in the past and may be holding you back from a brighter future. (Issues? ISSUES?!? We have entire SUBSCRIPTIONS!)
Do the work! (Don’t tell Us what to do! You are not the boss of Us!)
Here you go — you’re off (Indeed so.)
and running. (As is Our refrigerator, so We had better go catch it.)
(Oh, shut up.)
You’re busy, happy to be so and ready to take on the world. (One at a time, please.)
There’s just no stopping you. (As you said, We’re running.)
(Is it just Us, or is this ten of the most boring horoscopes ever?)
Fortunately, it’s the perfect day for you to be in just this mood. (Yeah, so, about this philosophy that everything happens exactly the way it should…why would you ever try to change anything then?)
Today take some time to delve slightly into your past to remind yourself of lessons learned. (Okay, so We’re a delver now?)
Being reflective can help put your current dating status in proper perspective. (Translation: masturbate while looking in a mirror.)
Contemplate the joys of living solo for the time being. (Which is just another way of saying the exact same thing, innit?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.