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Wednesday, May 14, 2014

You can even marry Harry, but mess around with Ike

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, May 14st  , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Richard, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in the suburbs of The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. 

Also, Happy Decimo Cuarto de Mayo to everybody else.

Speaking of what day it is, over at The WaitStaff’s SitOnMyFaceBook page ( ), where We post a funny Pixture Of The Day every day, We had a funny picture that was fart-related (as so many funny pictures are (which is actually sort of counter-intuitive, as you really can’t take a picture of a fart)).  So naturally, We posted Our picture and wished everyone a Happy National Fart Joke Day.  No one has called Us on it so far, but We Googled all over Wikipedia, and, as it turns out, there is no such thing as National Fart Joke Day.

Until now.

So Happy Decimo Cuarto de Farto de Mayo.

(How many of YouPeople knew that “farto” was Spanish for “fart”?)

In other news, it is a shame We don’t have so many social engagements this week, because Our disposition has been markedly improved by the fact that there is an ice cream cake in Our freezer, and We can have ice cream cake whenever We want. (Did We mention that the birthday cake that Our LovelyAndTalented friend brought Us on Sunday was an ice cream cake?  (The birthday cake that Our LovelyAndTalented friend brought Us on Sunday was an ice cream cake.))

It has a chocolate layer that melts faster than the vanilla layer, little-confetti-esque sprinkles, and radioactive blue icing that cures cancer. (Not that We had cancer, mind you.  (Except for cancer of Our disposition.  But that’s all better now.))

Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Loni Anderson…

(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization.  (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))

(How many of you are now picturing Loni Anderson as Yitzhak?  (We’ll wait.))

This just in from the WorldWideInterWebNetz:

Sometimes I feel useless but then I remember I breathe out carbon dioxide for plants.

In other news, We suddenly find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, another of Our future ex-husbands, Gabriel Mann, was born today.

You’re moving more slowly today, which could make life pretty tough for those you work with closely.  (Is it just Us, or is Bitchly McBitcherson totally on a kick of constantly telling Us how slowly We’re moving?  You would think My ass was Miss January…)

(Please note that, despite having to abandon The Royal We AND violate the subjunctive, We brought you that joke anyway, because it was worth it.  Kiss Us quick, We’re Mrs. Malaprop. (Or should that be, “Kissus quick, We’re Missus Malaprop”?))

(Oh, shut up.)

That’s not the end of the world, though (As you know it?)

(Or should We say, as you DON’T know it?)

(“It’s not the end of the world as you don’t know it” really doesn’t scan, duzzit?)

— you may spot something important.  (Look, a leopard!)

(Heh….see what We did there?)

 Someone close to you may try to manipulate you, but that doesn’t mean they’ll get away with it — or that you’ll even let them get close. (They were already “close” at the beginning of this sentence…do you even listen to yourself when you talk?  AssHatt.)

 Once they start their pitch, in fact, your best bet may be to excuse yourself  (Why?  Did We fart?)

(You thought We’d forgotten it was National Fart Joke Day, didn’t you?)

— just after you announce that you’re wise to their game. (In Our 1940s-movie-comedy-voice, naturally. (“Yeah, kid, We’re wise to yer game, seeeee?”))

That is, of course, provided you don’t lose it when you hear the whine in their voice. (Well, it IS WhinesDay, after all.)

Try to remain calm. (Keep calm, and blow Prince Harry.)

(Whaddaya mean, “that’s not how the saying goes”?  Well, it certainly should be.)

Saying no before they finish is enough to let you know you’ve won, (NO.)

isn’t it?  (Heh…SWWDT?)

There’s a lot more going on in your love life than you can see on the surface — and not everyone is laying all their cards on the table, including you. (If it’s OUR love life, nobody’s laying anything anywhere.)

Don’t make any moves until things play out more. (“No sudden moves, seeeee?”)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.