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Thursday, May 29, 2014

She was a V-A-M-P vamp!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday’s Eve (for that not-so-fresh feeling), May 29rd , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Also, Happy Birthday to Greg, who also turns twenty-four today.  In New York.  New York, New York.  The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).

Here is a little musical number for your birthday viewing pleasure (sorry that it has embedding disabled…it is safe for work (unless you work in, say, a convent)):

Long-time Gentle Readers (who are not naked skimmers) will be well aware of Our disdain for that paid-by-the-word (why does no one pay Us by the word?  WHYYYYY????) hack, Charles Dickens.  So you will clearly see why this tickled Us:‏

Also, if you, like Us, frequently find yourself having to say nice things to people whom you loathe (or, alternatively, if you, like Us, have no one handy to say nice things to you), here is a handy-dandy-Orphan-Annie-and-Sandy-Amos-and-Andy-I-Call-My-Sugar-Candy---(sorry; Our needle got stuck (fucking heroin))---compliment generator:‏

Also, Happy Vigesimo Noveno de Mayo to everybody.

Today’s e-pissode, you may have already noticed, is virtually content-free.  SorryNotSorry.  If you want content, check out yesterday’s tribute to Maya Angelou.  We’ll wait:

Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Lorna Luft.

(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization.  (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))

(How many of you are now picturing Lorna Luft as Yitzhak?  (How many of you would know where to begin if you had to picture Lorna Luft to save your life? (How many of you are now saying, “That stupid bitch Starzina can keep doing this gag all the way till August, ain’t NOBODY buying her no damn Hedwig tickets”?)))

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: ))).

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, Gregg Sulkin is twenty-two today. (We have no idea who the fuck Gregg Sulkin is, but he’s British.  And gorgeous.  And did We mention twenty-two?)

You’ve got a way with people right now, (Well, naturally…We’ve got a compliment generator.)

and you may find that you’re casually flirting with folks whom you wouldn’t ordinarily feel comfortable with. (Watch out, Gregg Sulkin!)

Things can change for the better now.  (Of course they CAN…but they never DO.)

Give a fire some air and you can really feel the heat. (Somewhere in there, there’s a really convoluted fart joke.  Stick your finger in and see if you can get it out, wouldja?)

Right now you and someone new are sparking off of each other all over, especially when you add your flirtatious rambling into the mix. (“Flirtatious rambling”?  Seriously?)

Make sure that it’s someone you’re really interested in — there’s nothing worse than building up a roaring fire only to have to quickly hose it down with an extinguisher.  (Gregg Sulkin’s fire hose.  That is all.)

You’re generous — almost to a fault. (Not only that, We are generous---to a fart.  Or WITH a fart.  One of those.)

In fact, your magnanimity puts you in direct conflict with others. (We’ll take “Sentences Completely Devoid Of Meaning” for $500, Alex.)

If you’re sick of picking up the bills and dragging your friends around on your dime, stop it. (Who does drag for a dime any more?  (Oh, wait…We do.))

It’s time to equal out the economic power in all your relationships. (So you’re saying hire a hooker?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.