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Thursday, May 8, 2014

Si Tu Te Vas

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday’s Eve (For That ‘Not-So-Fresh’ Feeling), May 8st  , 2014.

Happy Belated Birthday to Matthew, and Jackie, and OurAmericanCousin Pat, each of whom turned twenty-four yesterday.

Also, Happy Octavo de Mayo to everybody else.

Please imagine that Our Own Personal Kitchen Nightmare continues apace next door for the elebenty-twelfth straight month.  Seriously, every damn house on the block could have a new kitchen by now.

And now, you must stop whatever you are doing, because you cannot exist for one more moment on this planet without having experienced this:

In other news, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Nancy Kulp…

(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization.  (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))

(How many of you are now picturing Nancy Kulp as Yitzhak?  (We’ll wait.))

In still other news, We have two upcoming shows which We would like to bring to your attention deficit disorder: this very evening, We will be performing in the next installment of The Walker and O’Dare Radio Mystery Hour at the Powel House.  We should like to point out that, although in the style of an old-time radio show, these are original scripts by a very talented writer.  This program is in danger of cancellation (through no fault of its own…due to a change in management at the Philadelphia Society for the Preservation of Landmarks), so We could really use your support in Our efforts to remain at the Powel House or find a new home. Please get your tickets here: 

(We are told that said tickets are currently HALF-PRICE (!)  (We have apparently been kidnapped by K-Mart.  Again.))

Also, on Saturday, May 10th, the WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at L’Etage.  In keeping with the Mothers Day theme, We will be leaving Jesus H. Christ’s hippie wig at home, and performing for the first time as Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod.   You won’t want to miss THAT! (In order not to miss it, please get your tickets here:  

and join in the SitOnMyFaceBook event here: 

In other news, We suddenly find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Enrique Iglesias’s birthday, a fact which We point out mainly because it is so much fun to say “Enrique Iglesias” out loud.  No, really; try it and see…”Enrique Iglesias”…see?

And now, because We have Places To Go and People To Do, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHatt Kelli, a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

Welcome back and thank you for consulting Madame Olivia.

Madame Olivia would like to remind you of the balance between trust and suspicion. To be eternally trusting is to court danger; to be eternally suspicious is to shut out much of life. It's helpful to think of the two as end points on a spectrum and imagine the spectrum as slick and smooth. This enables you to slide in the best direction on the spot so you can react to a new stimulus appropriately. This is an instinct you can develop and it can lead you to greater flexibility and happiness. Which Madame Olivia is greatly in favor of!

Big jolly Jupiter is in Gemini, little Aries, and shining his light on intimate communications in your life. Now is an excellent time for you to take a look at these. With one or more of these people you may have an impulse toward refining, deepening, enhancing, reconnecting or even, if necessary, disconnecting to one degree or another. Trust yourself on this. Jupiter is behind you.

You have been noticed

It's been a pleasure to be with you. Farewell from Madame Olivia until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.