Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, May 21th, 2014.
Happy Birthday to John, who turns twenty-four
today all the way out on The Left Coast, albeit not in El Lay/WeHo, nor in Fran
Sancicso, where they think Rice-A-Roni™ is a treat, so actually, he might as
well be anywhere.
Also, Happy Vigesimo Primero de Mayo to
everybody else.
And, Happy Belated Erection Day…sorry We
forgot to wish you that yesterday. We
certainly hope you all remembered to vote both early and often.
Faithful Gentle Readers (who don’t have ADD,
and haven’t had a stroke since yesterday) will recall yesterday’s scintillating e-pissode on the subject
of Women Who Are Named After Herbs And Spices. (For those of you who (Gawd
forbid) missed it, go here:
So engrossed did We become in Our fascinating e-pisstle that We actually put off (till today) discussing a major breakthrough in the field of ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulation).
Guess what?
We’re putting it off again.
Shortly after We put yesterday’s e-pissode to
bed, Our home state of Pennsyltucky took a major step into this century by declaring its same-sex marriage ban
unconstitutional, thus ushering in marriage equality. We would describe to you how We felt on this
amazing occasion, but We are about to send you to someone far more eloquent
than We.
(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), We did have a dream about a wedding last
night. We were hired to be a dancer at
it. Because (A.) people hire people to DANCE at their weddings, and (2.)
anybody would hire Us to dance anywhere. Tcha, riiight.)
So, anyway, go here and read this:
In the interests of full disclosure, We do
not know this gentleman personally, although We have been fortunate enough to
have seen him perform twice. (If you
ever get the opportunity to see him perform, run, do not walk. (He is a Leo…do
We even need to say anything else?))
Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with
bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival
of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring
Neil Patrick Harris and Lon Chaney.
(We are just going to keep right on saying
that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of
Creative ViZZZualization. (Although
apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader
actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))
(How many of you are now picturing Lon Chaney as Yitzhak? (How many of you are now saying, “Lon Chaney is dead, you fucktard”?))
In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We
were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) moving from the sign of Taurus,
Our video for which is above, (and here is the link with which you may share it
with your friends:
http://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs ) into the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is ALSO above (and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js ).
http://youtu.be/iGNw4zF7MSs ) into the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is ALSO above (and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js ).
This move is happening somewhat later than
usual this year, per Our trusty ephemeris (hey, We are A Highly-Trained
Professional, who has a trusty ephemeris (who
said “crusty”?)), and We wouldn’t want any of Our Gentle Readers to become
confused.
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone
in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum
noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):
…as well as Our previous Gemini video, which
is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made. Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that
get in your eye?):
And here’s the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthday news, Our future ex-husband,
Olympic swimmer?diver?Speedo(TM) wearer Tom Daley, was born today.
In the interest of getting this e-issode out
there sometime today, We offer AssHatted Kelli’s ass(tromalogical)
ho(roscopulations) today without comment.
(Feel free to answer her back your own self.)
Don’t worry too much about what goes on today
— though it’s likely to be positive. Instead, you need to focus your intellect
on the long-term. It’s easier than you may realize. Someone near and dear to you is about to
receive a wonderful, wonderful surprise: A gift that’s just perfect, something
they couldn’t love any better if they’d chosen it themselves. And speaking of
perfect gifts, this is your official notice that ‘perfect’ doesn’t necessarily
mean ‘expensive’ — and that an experience is often more valuable than an
object. File that important lesson away as you enjoy this moment alongside your
loved one. Go right ahead and ask for
whatever you need. Your people are there for you and they can provide support
and assistance in your search for love. Rely on them — they won’t let you down!
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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