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Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Finally you put my love on top.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, May 21th, 2014.

Happy Birthday to John, who turns twenty-four today all the way out on The Left Coast, albeit not in El Lay/WeHo, nor in Fran Sancicso, where they think Rice-A-Roni™ is a treat, so actually, he might as well be anywhere.

Also, Happy Vigesimo Primero de Mayo to everybody else.

And, Happy Belated Erection Day…sorry We forgot to wish you that yesterday.  We certainly hope you all remembered to vote both early and often.

Faithful Gentle Readers (who don’t have ADD, and haven’t had a stroke since yesterday) will recall yesterday’s scintillating e-pissode on the subject of Women Who Are Named After Herbs And Spices. (For those of you who (Gawd forbid) missed it, go here: 

So engrossed did We become in Our fascinating e-pisstle that We actually put off (till today) discussing a major breakthrough in the field of ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulation).

Guess what?

We’re putting it off again.

Shortly after We put yesterday’s e-pissode to bed, Our home state of Pennsyltucky took a major step into this century by declaring its same-sex marriage ban unconstitutional, thus ushering in marriage equality.  We would describe to you how We felt on this amazing occasion, but We are about to send you to someone far more eloquent than We.

(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), We did have a dream about a wedding last night.  We were hired to be a dancer at it. Because (A.) people hire people to DANCE at their weddings, and (2.) anybody would hire Us to dance anywhere. Tcha, riiight.)

So, anyway, go here and read this: 

In the interests of full disclosure, We do not know this gentleman personally, although We have been fortunate enough to have seen him perform twice.  (If you ever get the opportunity to see him perform, run, do not walk. (He is a Leo…do We even need to say anything else?))

Speaking of birthdays, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Lon Chaney.

(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization.  (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))

(How many of you are now picturing Lon Chaney as Yitzhak?  (How many of you are now saying, “Lon Chaney is dead, you fucktard”?))

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) moving from the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, (and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: ) into the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is ALSO above (and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: ).

This move is happening somewhat later than usual this year, per Our trusty ephemeris (hey, We are A Highly-Trained Professional, who has a trusty ephemeris (who said “crusty”?)), and We wouldn’t want any of Our Gentle Readers to become confused.

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):

…as well as Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, Our future ex-husband, Olympic swimmer?diver?Speedo(TM) wearer Tom Daley, was born today.

In the interest of getting this e-issode out there sometime today, We offer AssHatted Kelli’s ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulations) today without comment.  (Feel free to answer her back your own self.)

Don’t worry too much about what goes on today — though it’s likely to be positive. Instead, you need to focus your intellect on the long-term. It’s easier than you may realize.  Someone near and dear to you is about to receive a wonderful, wonderful surprise: A gift that’s just perfect, something they couldn’t love any better if they’d chosen it themselves. And speaking of perfect gifts, this is your official notice that ‘perfect’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘expensive’ — and that an experience is often more valuable than an object. File that important lesson away as you enjoy this moment alongside your loved one.  Go right ahead and ask for whatever you need. Your people are there for you and they can provide support and assistance in your search for love. Rely on them — they won’t let you down!

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.