Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMannequinTwoOnTheMoveStarringNeitherAndrewMcCarthyNorKimCattrallMonday, December 16st, 2013.
So the biggest problem with writing DAILY e-pissodes of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! (other than actually remembering to post them to http://www.holidailies.org ) is that, come Monday’s e-pissode We are not all rested and refreshed with an entire weekend of shenanigantics to report upon.
Sigh. First-World Narcissists’ Problems.
Meanwhile, “report upon a Port-A-Potty” leapt unbidden into what passes for Our mind when We typed “report upon” earlier. This, presumably, would be why Our career as a rap artist never took off.
(You’re picturing Us rapping now, aren’t you? Serves you right.)
To return to Our point, Happy Birthday to Holly, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Also, Happy Birthday to Rebecca, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
(The fact that this city has two names should not lead you to confuse it with The City So Nice They Named It Twice. (Mainly because there is no city We can think of that is called “Twice”. (Also, how do you solve a problem like they call the wind Maria?))
Also, Happy Birthday to Dylan, who also turns twenty-our today, and also to Nick, who, in a quadrangle of co-inky-dink, ALSO turns twenty-four today. Both Dylan and Nick turn twenty-four today out on The Left Coast, in California. Albeit in parts of California of which We have never heard. Which they are clearly doing just to torment Us, with Our poorly-tuned sense of geography.
So, New Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Rule: if you are turning twenty-four in some geographic location of which We have never heard, We shall decide where you actually live. For example, We hereby decree that both Dylan and Nick, while they still live in California, actually live in WeHo. On the Sunset Strip. Where they are strippers. And Siamese twins. Which means that, while they can wear perfectly normal pasties, their G-strings, of which they can only wear one at a time (their conjoinment is most unfortunate) are hand-crafted by the same designer who builds Johnny Depp’s codpieces when he’s in Tim Burton fillums.
(Is Johnny Depp ever NOT in Tim Burton fillums? Also, does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost over night fever, night fever?)
We have no idea. Just go with it.
At any rate, Happy Birthday To All, And To All A Good Night And Thank You Magaldi.
In other other news, who has opposable thumbs and will be performing not once, but TWICE in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival in January? That’s right, ladies and genitals, this Foul-mouthed, All-knowing Goddess!
That’s right, mark your calendars for Sunday, January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour!
Check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo.)), and keep your eyes glued…GLUED, goddammit…to this space for further developments (We don’t even think tickets are available yet, but you, Gentle Readers, will be the first to know when they are, so you can snatch (heh) them up.)
This will not, as you may have guessed, be the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event. Stay tuned also for other appearances in the Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard. Because Starzina is nothing if not peripatetic. (Also poetic and chic.)
In still other other other news We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video (Sagittarius) with you (see above). Here is the link with which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y You’re welcome.
And now, here’s the HorrorScope:
This is not a good day for intense or heavy business, (Was that a fat joke?)
but you should at least try to get on with your regular chores or errands. (But whoever will tend to Our IRRegular chores and errands?)
In fact, you can get quite a lot done by focusing on the superficial! (GREAT! Because We are NOTHING if not superficial.)
Still chatting away? (Also, slip sliding away.)
Dashing (Through the snow in a one-whore open-toed come-fuck-Us pump?)
around and having fun? (Or that.)
Bet you are. (Bet you are report upon a Port-A-Potty™ at Peppermint Patty’s pity party…)
(The rap world is SO not ready for Us…)
The good news is that it’s officially time to play. (Tcha, right. People who KNOW how to play don’t WAIT for permission. Or persimmons. One of those.)
(Sometimes We worry that, if We had a stroke, no one would be able to tell.)
Now you can do it with a clear conscience. (Also, you can leave your hat on.)
Get yourself dressed, (How did you know We were naked??? OhMiGod, the calls are coming from inside the house!!!!)
get out there and enjoy the company of dear ones you haven’t seen in far too long. (See, you thought the line break would prevent Us from seeing “far too long” as “fart oolong”, but not for all the tea in China, OolongFartBreath.)
With the heavens as full as they are of spontaneous, impetuous energies, (We thought We smelled something.)
you’d better not take the night off. (What about the nightie?)
What if you missed something? (How would We know?)
The right words are coming easily to you now. (Aspidistra. Melancholia. Fluffer-Nutter™.)
Make the most of this great energy by chatting up someone you’ve been watching from afar. (Okay, who’s got Johnny Depp’s phone number? (What, you thought We were able to forget the image of “Johnny Depp’s codpieces” from earlier?))
Start off with random small talk (Aspidistra. Melancholia. Fluffer-Nutter™.)
and see how far you get. (All the way to WeHo, Bay-Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.