Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For FriedEgg, December 20st, 2013.
Happy Birthday to Adam, who turns twenty-four
today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
Happy Birthday also to Keith, who also turns
twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
We are trying (and failing) to do this quick,
fast, and in a hurry this morning, as We have two, count them, TWO, murder
mysteries today (We agreed to do that to see if We can. It is entirely possible that We can’t. Whatevs.)
Consequently, We are herewith presenting an encore presentation of an
award-winning e-pissode of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! from shortly after the Non-Apocalypse
Of 2012:
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He sees you when you’re sleeping; he knows
when you are naked
Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday,
Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday night’s alright, December 29, 2012. Happy Birthday to Justin, who turns
twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves you (On Your) Back, aka The
City Of Brotherly Love Handles. It is
unclear to Us at this juncture, but We may actually lay Our two eyes upon said
Justin later in the day, which is not something We can often say about those
whom We are wishing well on the occasion of their twenty-fourth birthday.
So, at any rate home is the tailor, home from
the tea. Whatever the fuck THAT
means. Who the hell keeps using these
meaningless old sayings, anyway? It’s
not like anybody actually READS, fercrissakes.
Meanwhile, when last We spoke (in depth,
anyway (because We are NOTHING if not deep (not real meaningful, but REAL
deep))), We were anticipating The Apocalypse.
Which turned out to be not all it was cracked up to be. (Speaking of old
sayings, there’s one that has certainly altered its meaning over the years:
“cracked up”. Heh.)
We trust you will forgive Us if We seem to be
dithering. For one thing, We are happy
to be typing this on a computer that does at least SOME of what We tell it to
do. And (B.), We are debating going out
to run Our daily errands before the blizzard begins. So if a big long pause happens here, you’ll
know that’s what We did.
So did you miss Us? We did in fact go out to the outside
world. Of course, it took Us so long to
make Ourselves presentable enough to do so that the snow had already started by
the time We did. On the plus side,
nothing was laying yet. Which should
come as no surprise to anyone who knows Us.
Why, if We would just stay outside for the duration of the blizzard, We
could probably prevent ALL the snow from getting laid, as well as Our Own Self.
And now, as many of Our recent e-pisstles
have, of necessity, been rather rushed, or e-ncore presentations (as an aside,
We were given to wondering on a recent train trip why they had “egads” prior to
The Electronic Age. Shouldn’t they have
just been “gads”, which were ultimately replaced by “e-gads”? (Vacation time shares are still available in
Our mind for the months of January and February.)), We intend to wax loquacious
on a topic of recent interest to Us all: The Holidays.
(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), the
phrase “wax a loquacious carrot” just leapt unbidden into what passes for Our
mind, and We thought We’d Cher.)
Now, lettuce be clear. Contrary to what Faux News would have you believe,
We don’t think there is any War On Christmas.
Christmas is alive and kicking, and looks like it will be so for quite
some time. Naturally, We say “Happy
Holidays” just like the next person, but We start saying it at Thanksgiving
(which is, you will notice, a holiday), when One would sound like a complete
idiot if One said “Merry Christmas”, and We continue saying it all through
Hanukkah, when it would be rude to say “Merry Christmas”, because Christmas
hasn’t come yet (neither have We, but that’s a digression of another color),
but Hanukkah has. And, quite frankly,
We have no idea when the fuck Kwaaaanzaaa even is (or, clearly, how to spell
it), but just in case, We’re covered there too.
And what about the phrase itself? “Merry Christmas”…really? You wish for Us to be merry for one day,
while, when We say “Happy Holidays”, We are wishing for you to be happy
beginning at Thanksgiving and lasting all the way through The Feast Of The
Epiphany (or, at a stretch, Martin Luther King Day, if you procrastinate about
taking your tree down). And who even
says “merry”, anyway?
All that said, however, We would like to
address a simple assault on Christmas, which is becoming more and more
prevalent in this E-gads E-lectronic A-ge.
Somehow, it is becoming socially acceptable for wannabe hipsters to take
to their keyboards and spew endless screeds under the subject line “I Hate
Christmas”, in the course of which they slyly mock those of Us who do not: “Oh?
Do you really still send cards/put up a tree/roast a goose/dress up like
the Grinch and deflower a virgin? I
didn’t think anyone did that anymore.
It’s so…Dickensian.” (Okay, We
just put that “Grinch/virgin” part in there to see if you were paying
attention.)
Now, the “I Hate Christmas” people seem to
come in two varieties. The first are
those who think the whole thing is just too much work. For this lot, We hold out hope, as it is
indeed not possible in this day and age to have a real tree with lighted
candles, roast goose and boiled turkey for a sit-down family dinner for thirty-seven,
homemade presents for every member of said family, wine from one’s own
vineyard, and snow on the lawn to order through which one drives in a one-horse
open sleigh, whatever the hell that may be, to Midnight Mass. In fact, it probably never was, except
possibly for Queen Victoria.
But Christmas, like everything else, is a
thing that evolves and changes with the changing times. Once One convinces
these people that they can pick and choose among the traditions (preferably
after plying them with some wine from One’s Own vineyard), they will generally
come around.
The other “I Hate Christmas” group is much
more troublesome and, dare We say, hopeless.
When THEY say “I hate Christmas”, what they mean is, “No one will kowtow
to my every whim and vague notion of how this holiday should be, not only for
the day itself, but for the twelve days surrounding it.” This lot is generally best avoided for the
entire holiday season (and, in fact, for every other month of the year). Because guess what, monkey butt? Unless you are a four-year-old only child
(and not necessarily even then), there is no one who feels that his or her
primary job is to make sure YOU have a happy Christmas, especially at the
expense of his or her own.
Now, We would like to say that We were about
to tie this topic up with some neat little philosophical bow, in which We
expound upon Seven Steps To Loving Christmas And Having A Happy Holiday
Season. But surely you know Us better
than that. So all We have to say is,
next year, if you hate Christmas? Shut
yer fuckin’ fruitcakehole and stop pooping in the punchbowl of those of Us who
do not.
KThxBye.
Here is the link with which you may share Our
Starzina’s
Time of the Month Horoscope: CAPRICORN video with your friends:
http://youtu.be/m3Aa_X_HoVM
We have no time to cope with Kelli’s
ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulations), as We have ablutions to perform, presents
to wrap, and wassailing to come a-. TCBITWWW
is comin’ to town!
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In other other news, who has opposable thumbs
and will be performing not once, but TWICE
in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival in January? That’s right, ladies and genitals, this
Foul-mouthed, All-knowing Goddess!
That’s right, mark your calendars for Sunday,
January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown Norristown
for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina
Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour!
Check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/
(FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the
logo.)),
and keep your eyes glued…GLUED,
goddammit…to this space for further developments (We don’t even think
tickets are available yet, but you, Gentle Readers, will be the first to know
when they are, so you can snatch (heh) them up.)
This will not, as you may have guessed, be
the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event. Stay tuned also for other appearances in the
Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard. Because Starzina is nothing if not
peripatetic. (Also poetic and chic.)
In still other other other news
We are once again sharing
with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video (Sagittarius) with you (see above). Here is the link with which you may share it
with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y You’re welcome.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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