Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! for
SunDayFunDay, December TwennyTooth, 2013.
We are reporting from over the river and through the woods, so We are
offering you an encore presentation of last year’s e-pissode from this date,
immediately following the Non-Apocalypse…
Come, they told me
Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! for Saturday, December 22, 2012. We trust you all had a
lovely Apocalypse, and are enjoying the first day of Capricorn by watching Our
brand spanking (heh) new Time of the Month Horosocpe video,
which see above.
We Our Own Self Personally spent the
Apocalypse, and now, the Post-Apocalypse (The Apocalyptic Afterbirth, if you
will (or even if you won’t…what makes you think it’s all about you?)), on
Holiday with Himself in the Hinterlands. (Is it just Us, or does On Holiday with Himself in the Hinterlands sound
like a bizarre made-for-TV Christmas disaster movie from the late 60s or
possibly early 70s? Starring Bing Crosby and Charo. With Jerry Lewis as The Bieber. Just Us?
Alrighty, then.)
We nearly didn’t make it all the way to the
hinterlands. We were All Aboard AmCrack, when they stopped Our train due to
police activity in Amish Country. No
doubt a rogue quilting bee, or an illegal butterchurning lab. We do not speak Pennsylvania Dutch (or
Hollandaise Dutch, for that matter), but We are fairly certain We heard some
negotiations being made concerning Our imminent betrothal to a smelly bearded
man named Zebediah who had six toes on each hand. Fortunately, Himself woke up at this point,
and We evaded this fate by posing as lesbian trapeze artists with a travelling
circus.
Speaking of peculiar religious sects (which
are, of course different than peculiar religious sex, which, if We recall
correctly from Our remote youth, consists of screaming “Oh Jesus!” repeatedly
while cavorting with lemurs in Catholic schoolgirl uniforms and being coated in
hot wax), there was also, on this Train Of Fools, an entire family of
Mennonites. Which, for those who are
unfamiliar, would be comprised of Mennonites, Womennonites, and
Childrennonites.
ThankYouVeryMuch, We’llBeHereAllWeek,
Don’tForgetToTipYourWaitress.
But please don’t tip your waitress’s cow.
Meanwhile, for those of you who missed a
Twitter update from Helen Keller yesterday:
You
can wear sweat pants and I won't judge. I won't even know!
The
only kind of mail I get is blackmail.
I
hope my gynecologist is who he says he is.
And heeeeeere’s the HorrorScope:
Speaking of The Beaver, it is Barbara
Billingsley’s birthday. But don’t expect
much of a party; she’s dead.
Today brings an ending. (We’re pretty sure
that was meant to be yesterday.)
That doesn’t have to be bad — lots of endings
are positive, after all! (Is anyone else
now imagining Ryan Phillippe from behind?
Just Us? Alrighty, then.)
You may have to decide to end the project,
relationship or whatever it is (How can We end it if We don’t even know what it
is?)
on your own, which can be difficult but
rewarding. (Difficult But Rewarding,
was, oddly enough, Ryan Phillippe’s nickname in high school.)
A
friend you used to see with some regularity seems to have dropped off the face
of the earth, and you miss them. (We
really try not to get involved with Our friends’ regularity. Or lack thereof.)
(Poop!)
If your phone calls and emails have gone
unanswered, don’t take it personally. (How else should We take it, bitch?)
They have a lot of stuff going on right now,
and they might just need some breathing room. (Breathe on your own time,
bitches.)
Even
though you may mean well, they might not have time to give you the attention
you need. (How dare they? We’ve had just
about enough of them!)
Use this time to get to know someone new in
your life a little bit better. (We are
presuming that, by “a little bit better”, you mean “biblically”. Because We are nothing if not biblical.)
You have room in your life for more
friends. (But not their frenulums. Because with frenulums like these, who needs
enemas?)
You
don’t need to be paranoid, (Unless, of course, they really ARE out to get you.)
but you ought to watch out for red flags. (Oh,
sure…like they’re gonna WARN Us.)
Something small could indicate someone’s
big-picture values. (What does that even
MEAN?)
Ask more questions before you decide to fall
for them. (“Is it bigger than a
breadstick?”)
(You’re Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We
didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking,
as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual
ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek
here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular
musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison,
but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on
upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids,
Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus,
he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of
a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake,
Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town
mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with
Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne.
Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a
Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina
entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in
ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of
Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that
Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs
allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William
and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste.
Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That
Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local
SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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