Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for SayerDee, December 14st, 2013. Happy Birthday to Sheryl, who turns twenty-four today all the way down in Savannah, Georgia. Where, no doubt, it is a helluva lot warmer than it is here.
Here in Fluffya, We are getting ready for Our third snowfall in a week, and may We just point out, it isn’t even goddamn winter yet. We shall be murder mysterying (oh, it is so too a verb, Micro$oft Weird™; if YOU hadda do it, you’d know that) this evening, and We are informed that a party of 40 out of Our 85 guests has already cancelled. If We get all the way up there and THEN they cancel the whole business, there will be murder, but it will be no mystery.
In other news, it is Day Fourteen of Holidailies (http://www.holidailies.org ), and while We have indeed penned fourteen e-pissodes of these E-ric’s!Daily!Horoscope! e-pistles, We do not have fourteen Holidaily entries, because We have twice forgotten to upload the damn things.
What We clearly need up in this place is an e-fficiency e-xpert. (Or perhaps We could just persuade OurPatrickWhoArtInBostonia (hi, Patrick!) to have Us declared mentally incompetent and commit Us. (Now THERE’S a commitment ceremony everybody’d wanna see…just picture the china pattern!))
Here’s how one of these e-pisstles is created: first, We connect Our Etch-A-Sketch™ to Our eight-track tape player, and shove ‘em both into the Beta-Max™…
Okay, it’s not quite that bad. But still…
We pull up yesterday’s e-pissode in Micro$oft Weird™ (because working in the Google blogspot environment is way too annoying), delete all the stuff We don’t want to go forward, and keep all the stuff We do.
We check SitOnMyFaceBook to see whose birthday it is, and wish them a happy birthday. Then We share any pertinent information that comes to mind. For example, this would be where We would tell you that We had a dream last night about rats. But it was okay, because Chord Overstreet was in it. And he was naked. (We probably didn’t need to add that last part…who the hell has dreams about Chord Overstreet where he’s NOT naked?)
Then We go to astrology.com and pull up the three pieces of Kelli’s asshatted blatherings that We use (daily horoscope, daily extended, and daily singles) into Notepad (pulling them directly into Weird™ causes problems) and answer her simple ass back.
Once We have written the e-ntire e-pissode (are you sick of this e-crap yet?), We think up a song lyric for the title, and doublecheck it for accuracy. (Oddly e-nough (heh), Our memory is not always 100% reliable. Go figger.)
Then it’s time to move to Blogspot. We choose a Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Gerard Depardieu Maya Angelou Boy Named Sue from Our archives, import (and re-space) the text, add celebrity names to the Labels index, and publish. We also share, at that point, on Google+, as more and more people are pretending to use it, even though nobody has any idea what it’s for.
We send out an email alert to the 75-or-so people who still get a daily email alert, We update Our SitOnMyFaceBook status (with a quote from http://www.textsfromlastnight.com ), and We tweet on Twatter. Also, We send a SitOnMyFaceBook message to all the non-celebrity people who were mentioned in that day’s e-pissode.
Is it any goddamn wonder We forgot to post to Holidailies? Jeebus!
In other other news, who has opposable thumbs and will be performing not once, but TWICE in Centre Theatre’s Independent Voices Festival in January? That’s right, ladies and genitals, this Foul-mouthed, All-knowing Goddess!
That’s right, mark your calendars for Sunday, January 12 at 8PM and Friday, January 17 at 8PM, in Beautiful Downtown Norristown for the triumphant return of LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour!
Check out the SitOnOurFaceBook event (https://www.facebook.com/events/259746334150716/ (FYI That is NOT Our mouth in the logo.)), and keep your eyes glued…GLUED, goddammit…to this space for further developments (We don’t even think tickets are available yet, but you, Gentle Readers, will be the first to know when they are, so you can snatch (heh) them up.)
This will not, as you may have guessed, be the only reminder you will receive of this upcoming event. Stay tuned also for other appearances in the Greater Philadelphia Area and up and down the Eastern Seaboard. Because Starzina is nothing if not peripatetic. (Also poetic and chic.)
In still other other other news We are once again sharing with you Our very most favoritest Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video (Sagittarius) with you (see above). Here is the link with which you may share it with others: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y You’re welcome.
And now, here’s the HorrorScope:
It is Nostradamus’s birthday. But then, you probably knew that already.
(See what We did there?)
In lieu of Kelli’s asshatted blatherings, today, a reading from Madame Olivia:
Greetings Starzina ~
Hello again. Madame Olivia is happy to receive you.
You know, as you find yourself getting wound around the axle about something, try telling yourself "I'm going to let go of this" and then seriously letting go of it. Madame Olivia likes to literally put her hands up as if saying "I'm out of here." Don't torture yourself with after-worry. Just make the decision and then forget about it. Kindly observe: the more you do this, the easier it gets.
Now, dear Aries, let's take a look at something that's going to present itself to you. It's looking like a challenge and though Madame Olivia knows you generally like a challenge, in all honesty she would simply pass this one up. It's just not going to be worth it and could well add needless complication. A word to the wise.
Word of the hour: ambition
Our time together today is drawing to a close. Madame Olivia bids you au revoir and good luck until we meet again.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.