Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Toozdee (YOU thought We were gonna say “GoodPieRupeeTuesday”, didn’t’cha, Blanche? (Orange you glad We didn’t say “banana”?)), July 9rd, 2013.
Who the hell is Blanche?
Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Scott, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Delawhere. And Happy Ramadan to The Rest Of You, The Rest Of Us, Rama, Lama, and Ding-Dong. Ramadan turned up on Our Dilbert calendar this morning; We had to Google it on Wikipedia to figger out what it was. Turns out, it involves a month of fasting. Apparently, Ramadan is the Ayds™ Reducing-Plan Candy for the new millennium.
We could fast for a month, and We’d STILL eclipse the sun.
In other news, We were spontaneous last night! And We didn’t even plan to be! And how often do We get to say THAT! We had A Gentleman Caller for dinner. (Well, not FOR dinner. That sounds as though We MADE him dinner...(Or, alternatively, ATE him. And that is NOT what We meant. This is a family-friendly motherfucking horoscope, you assmunching twatnozzles.)) We were TAKEN to dinner by A Gentleman Caller, is what We meant to say. ‘Cause We got elegance, and if you ain’t got elegance, you can never, ever marry a Goth.
What the hell does that even MEAN?
Is it just Us, or does “assmunching twatnozzles” sound like a group of evil henchmen from some superhero movie? “PlatitudeMan has escaped from Our mind-eraser machine? Release the assmunching twatnozzles!”
Vacation time-shares in what passes for Our mind are still available for the months of August and September.
You will be happy to note that We continue to procrastinate writing Our Fringe show. Although it DOES have a title: Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour. How, you may well ask, can We come back, when We’ve never been gone? You’ll have to see the show, to see if We’ve figgered that out.
In other other news, as you can see, Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above.
If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc. Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.
We would like you to take this link to said video http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and email it to your friends. Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages. Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it. Seriously, people…is this so difficult?
And here is the HorrorScope:
The celebrity birthdays are so boring today that We’re forced to celebrate the birthday of Elias Howe, inventor of the sewing machine, and reason We are not generally naked in public. Whatevs. It was either that, or Ed Ames. R-A-G-G-M-O-P-P rag mop doesn’t have two Gs and two Ps, you illiterate fucktard.
This is a good time to focus on simple basics like cleaning house. (Alternatively, We might choose to focus on simple basics like telling Kelli to go fuck herself.)
(Go fuck yourself, Kelli.)
(Yes, We feel much better now.)
This kind of thing is more important than you may realize, but it’s too easy to forget about it as other business piles up around you. (Today’s the day the dustbunnies have their piiiiiiiiiicnic.)
(Hmmm. Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t think “dustbunnies” is a word, and here We were, just about to propose the superlative adjective “dustbunniest” for wordhood.)
(How can “wordhood” not be a word? Who would then know what is a word and what is not? It’ll be anarchy, We tells ya, anarchy!)
(How does a paragraph start of Shakepearean and descend into Popeye?)
You should definitely keep looking at things from different angles. (Especially if, by “things”, you mean “Johnny Depp”.)
It’s the right strategy for now and for your immediate future. (Beefcake…it’s what’s for dinner.)
(Beefcake…the other white meat.)
Your gift for being flexible in your interpretations (To say nothing of Our interpretive dances. (SSSHHHH….say NOTHING.))
(Bring Us the head of John the Baptist.)
(That there was probably a biblical moment when John the Baptist wished he were (subjunctively) an Episcopalian…”Bring me the head of John the Episcopalian!”…”Which one?”)
(We really should just bite the bullet and found Our Own religion.)
has given you a reputation for being fair and considerate of others. (BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!!!)
But you might need to stop looking at all the angles just for a moment today in order to act more quickly. (We are acting as fast as We can. Jeebus.)
Taking time to understand the whole picture is always a better strategy, but it is not always the most practical one — at least today. (So wait…who sent Us a hole picture? Because the guy from the dream last week that was supposed to send Us nekkid pictures never caught on.)
Getting your house in order should really help with sorting out your love life as well. (Why? Is there a MAN under all these dustbunnies?)
While you’re moving furniture or folding laundry, (In your goddamn dreams.)
think things through (Thomebody hath a lithp.)
all the way. (NOW you’re talking!)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.