Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThursday, July Elebbenf, 2013. Happy Birthday to OurMizMaryPat, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Happy Birthday also to Zach, who may or may not turn twenty-four today, somewhere in Greater Bostonia. Also Happy Birthday too to Joe, who does NOT turn twenty-four today, here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
Zach, We shall add here for archival purposes, is an actor with whom We are acquainted solely through the WorldWideInterWebNetz. He is, fascinatingly, the total doppelganger/understudy for someone in Our actual life.
In other news, OurMizMaryPat just broke out in hives because We used the word “doppelganger”.
From the Does It Get Any Better Than This Department, We have occasionally marveled in these e-pisstles about the frequency with which We find loose change in the proverbial gutter. We have, in fact, clearly indicated that We will bend over for a penny. (And yet, not a one of YouPeople has ever taken Us up on it. A PENNY, people. Seriously.) Well, yesterday in Our travels, We cast Our eyes into the gutter, and what do you think We found? A SEPTA token! Yes, indeedy-do, ladies and genitals, We bent Our tired old ass over for A HUNDRED AND EIGHTY pennies, for the low, low price of free!
(Do you get the feeling that random good things don’t very often happen to Us? Because you would be correct.)
We also seem to recall having mention recently that, if We live to be twenty-four, We will never understand people. Said lack of understanding continues apace. Although today, We intend to attempt a step toward clarity. Or Aunt Clara-ty. One of those.
You will be happy to note that We continue to procrastinate writing Our Fringe show. Although it DOES have a title: Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour. How, you may well ask, can We come back, when We’ve never been gone? You’ll have to see the show, to see if We’ve figgered that out.
In other other news, as you can see, Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above.
If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc. Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.
We would like you to take this link to said video http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and email it to your friends. Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages. Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it. Seriously, people…is this so difficult?
And here is the HorrorScope:
It is Yul Brynner’s birthday. Also, John Quincy Adams. Neither of those facts is particularly cake-inspiring.
Your terrific energy (Say WHAT?)
helps you seize the initiative (Carpe the initiative! (That’s Latin for “This initiative smells like dead fish”.))
and push things forward today — so go for it! (What is the antecedent for this particular “it”, O Great AssHat?)
You may find that you are better able to convince people at work that your ideas are the best. (A people at work shall remain at work, but an idea that’s best shall remain the best…Sir Isaac Newton’s First and Second Laws of Those Stupid Cookies That Nobody Likes.)
(Because not only are We a stupefyingly great artiste, We also too know science.)
One of the very best ways to remind yourself that you are the commander in chief of your life is by rearranging your life — literally. (Alternatively, you could tie a string around your finger.)
It’s time for some house cleaning! (Bite your damn tongue!)
Now, before you get annoyed at the prospect of organizing closets and scrubbing out the refrigerator, stop and think about it. (What LANGUAGE is this demented lunatic even speaking?)
What better way is there to feel powerful than by improving your living situation in such a way that, every day moving forward, you can actually see the influence you have? (Well, for starters, there’s winning PowerBall™.)
You may be feeling even more adventurous today! (Than what?)
Maybe you’re ready to try speed dating or some seemingly cheesy singles event. (So wait…there are entire EVENTS centered around those slices of cheese wrapped in plastic? How BORED would One have to be???)
Of course, you can meet interesting people anywhere you go today! (Why do We suspect that We shall spend the day proving this bee-yotch wrong?)
(Why, when We mistype “worng”, does Micro$oft Weird™ not know We mean “wrong”? Why, why, WHY?????????)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.