Never mind the bollocks

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, July Tenf, Twenny Tirteen. Happy Birthday to Lizzy, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Also, Happy Birthday to Vicki, who also turns twenty-four today, albeit in MaryLand, which We’ve discussed before.  (That is, We’ve discussed Maryland before, not Vicki’s twenty-fourth birthday.  Try to keep up.

(Herewith, for the benefit of any newbies in da house, is Our previous MaryLand discussion:

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Maryland, We have just been informed by Wikipedia, was named after somebody called Queen Henrietta Maria, who, upon being informed of said naming, is reported (possibly spuriously) to have said, “Yo, bitches…my name is Henrietta Maria…wuzzup wit’ dis “Mary Land” shit?  Why not HenriettaMariaLand?”  She made further remarks involving Queen Latifah and Finland, but, as Queen Latifah had not been born yet, and “HenriettaMariaLand” would never fit on a license plate, no one paid any attention to her.

(Mary had a little land, whose feet were shy a toe, and every day, for merriment, she slept with Jacques Cousteau.  (We have no idea where that came from.  Nursery rhymes are peculiar, no?))

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))

And, last but not Lee Strasberg, après les digression, Happy Birthday to Loretta, who also turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

(It should be pointed out, for clarity and editorial accuracy’s sake, that Loretta is not the same person as LOretta, who has been mentioned in these e-pisstles before.  Even though they have now both turned twenty four at least once.  It strikes Us as slightly peculiar that We know two people named Loretta (well, technically, one person named Loretta, and one person named LOretta), and that they are both women, which adds to the confusion.  Of course, if We were (subjunctively) to travel in loftier show business circles, We might be acquainted with both Loretta Lynn and Loretta Swit, who have both now turned a hundred and seventeen at least once.  So there’s that.)

We also seem to recall having mentioned recently that, if We live to be twenty-four, We will never understand people.  Said lack of understanding continues apace.

You will be happy to note that We continue to procrastinate writing Our Fringe show.  Although it DOES have a title: Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour.  How, you may well ask, can We come back, when We’ve never been gone?  You’ll have to see the show, to see if We’ve figgered that out.

In other other news, as you can see,  Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above. 

If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc.  Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.

We would like you to take this link to said video   http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and email it to your friends.  Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages.  Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it.  Seriously, people…is this so difficult?

And here is the HorrorScope:

As We went to Our celebrity birthday source this morning, it occurred to Us that it would be very bizarre if today turned out to be Loretta Lynn or Loretta Swit’s birthday.  Or, even bizarrer, if it turned out to be Loretta Lynn AND Loretta Swit’s birthday.

It didn’t.

So Happy Birthday, Sofia Vergara.

You’re feeling even more impulsive than usual today,

(This would seem to be an excellent place for a random Sid Vicious music video:

(Whaddaya mean, “impulsive”?))

so expect some wild times as you frolic and jump from fun and games to serious silliness.  (If that sentence were (subjunctively) any gayer, it would be Charles Nelson Reilly dressed up as Liberace fistfucking Paul Lynde in a pansy patch while Judy Garland sang opera.)

Your people may not be able to keep up with you!   (Again with this delusion that We have people.)

A former romantic partner might be reappearing on the scene soon, (So, wait…people can come back from the dead?!?)

 and the feelings they stir up won’t be the ones you were expecting to feel. (Zombies have that effect on Us.  Go figger.)

They’ve taken the initiative to get back into your life, and there could be a very significant reason for it. (BRAAAAAAIIINNNSSSS!!!!)

Aren’t you curious to know what that is? (No.)

(Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)

Give them some of your time, but not all of your time. (At least she didn’t say, “Give them a piece of your mind”.  ‘Cause We have so few pieces left.)

Make it clear that you have boundaries that you have no intention of changing for them — at least not yet.  (Also, We’ve been wearing Our Tuesday panties since AT LEAST last Tuesday.)

You need to direct your efforts toward your work or home life today. (Well, THAT narrows it down.)

You can get plenty done, and focusing hard should feel good (That’s what she said.)

— but tonight, and over the next few days, your energy favors romance.  (Oh, great.  Once We expend all that energy blowing up the doll, We’re gonna be EXHAUSTED.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com)

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.