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Monday, July 29, 2013

Toreador, en garde!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  JustAnotherMantillaMonday, July 29st , 2013.  (It has only just this moment occurred to Us that We have never worn a mantilla.  Now We are desperately trying to imagine a role which would require Us to do so.  Without having to learn to play the castanets or dance flamenco.  Thoughts?)

Happy birthday to Eddie, who turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  (As he is only turning twenty-four for the second time, We shall take this opportunity to explain that We Our Own Self Personally are going to keep right on turning twenty-four until We get it right, and therefore, by association, soa re all of you.  You’re welcome.)

Happy birthday also to Robert, who also turns twenty-four today, also in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Additionally also too, happy birthday to Sarah, who additionally also too turns twenty-four today, albeit in The City That Never Sleeps With Us.

Happy belated birthday to Dan, who turned twenty-four this past weekend in New Hope, and to Ray, who turned twenty-four this past weekend in Indiana.  The city, not the state.  Although why the city of Indiana isn’t IN the state of Indiana makes no sense to Us.  New York, New York?  Makes sense.  Kansas City, Missouri?  Not so much.

Speaking of New York, New York, happy belated birthday also to Mike, who did NOT turn twenty-four this past weekend.  His SitOnMyFaceBook would have Us believe that he turned not-twenty-four in New York, New York, aka The City That Never Sleeps With Us, but We suspect that he actually did so somewhere in Northern New Jersey. As We are 100% certain, however, that he would Never Sleep With Us, it pretty much all comes out in the wash.  As they say.

It is always a big day here when We release a new video, but We would be archivally remiss if We did not just mention two dreams.  In one of them, We were playing baseball.  (We know, right?)  We were the, ahem, catcher.  Now, before you make any crude sexual references (perverts), lettuce just point out that the pitcher was some sort of human-sized insect, so eeeuuuwww.  In the other dream, meanwhile The Sainted Mother will be pleased to hear that she appeared sporting white hair, to which she had cunningly added blue streaks by rinsing it with Cool Mint Listerine™.

That said, Our new Leo video is, of course, above.  And here is the link with which you will share it with all of your friends.  As you do.

Also, stay tuned for tomorrow’s e-pissode, which will contain another Very Exciting Announcement!

And here is the HorrorScope:

There are some serious HAWTT-with-two-Ts Hottie McHottHott with Hott Sauce bois in today’s celebrity birthdays.  Unfortunately, We have no idea who the fuck they are.  Nevertheless, happy birthday to Joey Essex, Munro Chambers, and Matt Prokop, each of whom turns, coincidentally, twenty-THREE today.

Kelli the Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist), meanwhile, has ho’ed herseff out to Smurfs 2: The Motion Picture.  We. Can’t. Even.  Here is Our smurf-o-scope from today:

You can run but you can't hide despite your smurfy surreptitious genius. Speed is your friend but you can't stand hurting anyone's feelings. Balancing your naughty and nice side is where it's at today so try to give expression to both and you'll not only win friends but you'll influence Smurfs.

Seriously?  Jeebus.

We are going to wrap this up, as We have A Very Special Private Murder Mystery Show tonight, and Our Tuesday panties need Febreezing™.  (Mrs. Schwitz in a mantilla…hmmmm….)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.