Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday, July 5st, 2013. Apparently, there were problems at The City Of Brotherly Love Handles’ fireworks last night. People panicked and stampeded at the end when somebody yelled, “Bomb!” Which is not, of course, technically untrue. Begging, naturally, the question of what should happen to someone who yells “Fire!” in a crowded fire. (Troublemakers like Our Own Self, it will surprise no one to learn, like to go to crowded fires and yell, “Theatre!” Confuses the fuck out of ‘em, that does.)
Happy Birthday, in other news, to Our American Cousin Jonetta, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Central Pennsylvania. Also, Happy Birthday to Ed, who also turns twenty-four today, right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
The total effect of the holiday here at OurHouseWhereWeLive seems to have been to so baffle Us as to what day of the week it was that We completely missed TrashDay. You see, ordinarily, the week goes “Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, TrashDay, Friday”. But, in weeks with a holiday in them, TrashDay moves a day later, most often resulting in “Holiday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, TrashDay”. This week, however, We had “Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, WhatTheHellDayOfTheWeekIsThisHoliday, TrashDay”, and thus We missed it completely.
Now, mind you We did hear the trash trucks coming this morning, but We were not, how you say, properly attired, and We really didn’t think it was appropriate to run Our trash outside with Our junk hanging out.
Our life is so interesting, don’t’cha think?
Meanwhile, if we live to be twenty-four years old, We will just never understand people.
In other news, as you can see, Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above.
If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc. Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.
We would like you to take this link to said video http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and email it to your friends. Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages. Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it. Seriously, people…is this so difficult?
And here is the HorrorScope:
Wow. On the celebrity birthday site whence We obtain Our celebrity birthdays, the only celebrity name We recognized in the top ten was Huey Lewis. And the news? We are old.
You may find yourself flirting with someone you’re not interested in at all, but that’s just part of the game. (Who DOES that? We guarantee you, if We are flirting with you, We mean business.)
It may go both ways, (Thereby doubling its chances for a date on a Saturday night.)
so try not to take anything too seriously today or tomorrow. (Or yesterday. Although that ship has kind of sailed.)
You may not wake up this morning expecting a surprise, (Which would be why they call it a surprise. AssHat.)
but there’s definitely one on the agenda. (There’s one on the verandah as well. AND one in the credenza. One of WHAT, We haven’t got any idea.)
Fortunately, surprises are right at the top of your top ten list of very favorite things, (Along with raindrops on rowhomes and whiskeyed-up kittens.)
so you won’t mind one little bit. (Oddly enough, “one little bit” is about all of what passes for Our mind that’s left. (There is, We will beat you to the punch by saying, absolutely NONE of what passes for Our mind that’s RIGHT.))
If your companions aren’t quite so adaptable, be merciful. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Ming.)
Help them adjust. (Oh, We will. With a WeedWhacker™.)
Point out the positive points in the situation, (What if We’re positive that all the points are negative?)
and get them to relax. (That’s what Frankie says.)
In the process, you may find you’ve suddenly become a mentor. (Or, with Our luck, a Mentos™. In a Coke™ bottle.)
Your seduction skills are heightened today, (We thought We smelled something.)
so you’ve got to get started early! (Perhaps We SHOULD have put Our trash out with Our junk hanging out…)
See if some friends are willing to join you for a night out, (“SOME friends”? Exactly how many people are We supposed to be seducing?!?)
and put your powers to the best possible use. (MWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAH!!!)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.