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Saturday, June 29, 2013

Stop, oh, yes, wait a minute, Mister Postman

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for SayerDee, June 29rd, 2013.  You are no doubt nearly as surprised as We that We have just dropped in to see what condition Our condition is in on a SayerDee.  You’ll see why shortly.  But first, Happy Birthday to Jeff, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Alrighty then.  To come quickly to Our point, those of you on Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Marriage Vigil will be both flummoxed and flabbergasted to hear that no one has proposed to Us yet again, for the third day running.  However, We did have Ourselves a viZZZion, in the form of a dream…

From time to time, We have regaled YouPeople within these e-pisstles with stories of Our epic dreams.  If only, We’ve sighed, Our head had a USB port, We could keep both HBO and ShowTime on the air 24/7.  Well, last night We were having a number of epic dreams which, instead of Us concatenating into one long epic dream, We were switching between, a la television channels.

(You may thank Us for that now, as it means We shall only have to Cher the pertinent part.  You’re welcome.)

In the pertinent part in question, We were on vacation.  Somewhere rustic, in some sort of cabin.  (We know, We know…there are WAY too many things wrong with that sentence.)  While vacationing, We received a postcard/piece of mail from someone back home.  (Yes, We realize that’s backwards…it’s a dream, dammit; just go with Us.)

There were pictures of the gentleman who sent the mail contained thereon/therein.  They were outdoor pictures of the gentleman in question, taken from so far away that One had to look very closely to realize that he was nekkid in them.  The accompanying text made it very clear that he wanted Us to come home from Our vacation, and that he was making Propositions Of A Certain Character.

Before you ask (perverts), We did NOT make it home in the course of the dream.

Now here comes the hard part.  (All together now:  “That’s what SHE said.”)  The gentleman in question is an actual gentleman of Our real-life acquaintance.  We are fairly certain that he is one of Our Gentle Readers (and not a naked skimmer (We have not, in fact, seen him naked (unlike many of you (heh)), except for now, in last night’s dream)).  Were he (subjunctively) to make Propositions Of A Certain Character, We would most assuredly whole-heartedly acquiesce.

So, if this is you, and you’ve been thinking of sending Us nekkid pictures, or otherwise declaring your intentions, please do.  (Of course, it might be embarrassing if you sent Us nekkid pictures and it turned out it wasn’t you We were talking about.  (On the other hand, We can really never have too many nekkid pictures, so send ‘em anyway.))

There…wasn’t that a fun e-dition of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!  to read on a lazy Sayerdee afternoon?

Who said, “NO”?

As a reward for making it all the way through (especially those of you who are now composing artistic nekkid selfies), here is a little video.  As you know, We love the summer and loathe the winter, but for those of you who are oppositely inclined, here is a young lady who shares your point of view.  (The audio is Not Safe For Work, if you happen to be working on a Sayerdee):


In other news, as you can see,  Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above. 

If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc.  Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.

We would like you to take this link to said video and email it to your friends.  Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages.  Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it.  Seriously, people…is this so difficult?

And here is the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, if you are at a social gathering later, We guarantee that you will be the only one there who knows that it is Antoine de Saintexupery’s birthday.  Whether this impresses people or makes them think you are a freak will depend upon the kind of social gatherings you frequent.  (Antoine de Saintexupery wrote The Little Prince, just so ya know.)

Instead of Our railing away at the blatherings of that AssHatted GasBagg Kelli, here are some words of wisdom in the dulcet tones of Madame Olivia:

Greetings Eric ~

Welcome back and thank you for consulting Madame Olivia.
Madame Olivia has come upon the most delicious Finnish proverb that she senses might be helpful to you: "Happiness is a place between too little and too much." This is an elegant way of saying Don't be greedy but you needn't sacrifice yourself, either. Madame Olivia hates to invoke the M word-- moderation-- but this is essentially what we're talking about. Sometimes it's the best way, in any number of realms.
Dear Aries, Madame Olivia has a soft spot in her heart for you, and so admires you when you are assertive. Just take care with your presentation. It's a PR thing: the basic product (you) is solid and kind and eminently worth listening to. It's good to be your own strong self, especially now. Everyone will benefit.
Bright green is going to be important.

It's been wonderful being with you again. All the best to you from Madame Olivia.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.