Hello, Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for SayerDee, June 29rd,
2013. You are no doubt nearly as
surprised as We that We have just dropped in to see what condition Our
condition is in on a SayerDee. You’ll
see why shortly. But first, Happy
Birthday to Jeff, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of
Brotherly Love Handles.
Alrighty
then. To come quickly to Our point, those of you on Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Marriage Vigil will
be both flummoxed and flabbergasted to hear that no one has proposed to Us yet
again, for the third day running.
However, We did have Ourselves a viZZZion, in the form of a dream…
From time to time, We have regaled YouPeople
within these e-pisstles with stories of Our epic dreams. If only, We’ve sighed, Our head had a USB
port, We could keep both HBO and ShowTime on the air 24/7. Well, last night We were having a number of
epic dreams which, instead of Us concatenating into one long epic dream, We
were switching between, a la television channels.
(You may thank Us for that now, as it means
We shall only have to Cher the pertinent part.
You’re welcome.)
In the pertinent part in question, We were on
vacation. Somewhere rustic, in some sort
of cabin. (We know, We know…there are
WAY too many things wrong with that sentence.)
While vacationing, We received a postcard/piece of mail from someone
back home. (Yes, We realize that’s
backwards…it’s a dream, dammit; just go with Us.)
There were pictures of the gentleman who sent
the mail contained thereon/therein. They
were outdoor pictures of the gentleman in question, taken from so far away that
One had to look very closely to realize that he was nekkid in them. The accompanying text made it very clear that
he wanted Us to come home from Our vacation, and that he was making
Propositions Of A Certain Character.
Before you ask (perverts), We did NOT make it
home in the course of the dream.
Now here comes the hard part. (All together now: “That’s what SHE said.”) The gentleman in question is an actual
gentleman of Our real-life acquaintance.
We are fairly certain that he is one of Our Gentle Readers (and not a
naked skimmer (We have not, in fact, seen him naked (unlike many of you (heh)),
except for now, in last night’s dream)).
Were he (subjunctively) to make Propositions Of A Certain Character, We
would most assuredly whole-heartedly acquiesce.
So, if this is you, and you’ve been thinking
of sending Us nekkid pictures, or otherwise declaring your intentions, please
do. (Of course, it might be embarrassing
if you sent Us nekkid pictures and it turned out it wasn’t you We were talking
about. (On the other hand, We can really
never have too many nekkid pictures, so send ‘em anyway.))
There…wasn’t that a fun e-dition of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! to read on a lazy Sayerdee afternoon?
Who said, “NO”?
As a reward for making it all the way through
(especially those of you who are now composing artistic nekkid selfies), here
is a little video. As you know, We love
the summer and loathe the winter, but for those of you who are oppositely inclined,
here is a young lady who shares your point of view. (The audio is Not Safe For Work, if you
happen to be working on a Sayerdee):
In
other news, as you can see, Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER
2013 is above.
If you’ve been paying attention (oh,
relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment
in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc.
Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.
We would like you to take this link to said
video http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and
email it to your friends. Or put it on
their SitOnMyFacebook pages. Or, if they
are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it. Seriously, people…is this so difficult?
And here is the HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthday news, if you are at a social
gathering later, We guarantee that you will be the only one there who knows
that it is Antoine de Saintexupery’s birthday.
Whether this impresses people or makes them think you are a freak will
depend upon the kind of social gatherings you frequent. (Antoine de Saintexupery wrote The Little Prince, just so ya know.)
Instead of Our railing away at the blatherings of that
AssHatted GasBagg Kelli, here are some words of wisdom in the dulcet tones of
Madame Olivia:
Greetings
Eric ~
Welcome back and thank you for consulting
Madame Olivia.
Madame Olivia has come upon the most delicious
Finnish proverb that she senses might be helpful to you: "Happiness is a
place between too little and too much." This is an elegant way of saying
Don't be greedy but you needn't sacrifice yourself, either. Madame Olivia hates
to invoke the M word-- moderation-- but this is essentially what we're talking
about. Sometimes it's the best way, in any number of realms.
Dear Aries, Madame Olivia has a soft spot in
her heart for you, and so admires you when you are assertive. Just take care
with your presentation. It's a PR thing: the basic product (you) is solid and
kind and eminently worth listening to. It's good to be your own strong self,
especially now. Everyone will benefit.
Bright green is going to be important.
It's been wonderful being with you again. All
the best to you from Madame Olivia.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam,
and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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