Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, June 12, 2013. Happy Birthday to Seth, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. And, of course, Happy Hump Day to the rest of you. Not that you’ll bother sharing any of your Hump Day Humpitations with Us, but We’re A Big Person that way.
That was not a fat joke.
It will no doubt astonish you to learn that Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t recognize “humpitations” as a word. Fortunately, We know a guy who knows a guy at the NSA, and We have access to all of the latest technology. That’s right, We see you when you’re sleeping, We know when you’re awake, and We are aware that you are still wearing your Tuesday panties. Slut. Our point being that “humpitations” is the polite way of describing your behavior.
As you may have ascertained from this veritable fireworks display of cunning linguistics, We’ve got absolutely nothin’.
In still other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.
For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:
And now the HorrorScopes:
In celebrity birthday news, it is Anne Frank’s birthday. All together now: SHE’S IN THE ATTIC!!! Anne Frank, for you younger Gentle Readers who may not know her, is one of Justin Bieber’s most recent celebrity crushes. (That, of course, was Our way of dragging in Our Own Personal Justin Bieber video, which We haven’t done for a while. You’re welcome.)
Meanwhile, Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) and all-around AssHat Kelli has returned from whatever deep black WorldWideInterWebNetzian hole she fell into yesterday…
You need to work off some of this excess energy with exercise, dance or something else that makes you sweat. (Well, sure. Because the likelihood of any of YouPeople dropping by for humpitations is practically nil.)
It’s a great way to stay in shape, obviously, (Obviously TO YOU, maybe, bee-yotch.)
but it can also keep you moving in the right direction. (We are “moving” to a hair appointment, so We can appear to be semi-human for an event We are attending this weekend. And then, We are picking up a check for being a big ol’ employed WRITER. Yes, indeedy, ladies and genitals, some people PAY Us to drone on and on like this. You lucky people get it in your morning email for free. Nakedly skim Us while We’re still here, bitches.)
You might get annoyed today (Ya think?)
by someone who just can’t get to the point! (And would that someone be named “Kelli”?)
They will be hemming and hawing, (Ernest Hemingway and Miss Jane Hathaway…)
flattering and fawning, (Farting and sharting…)
(Is it clear that We have no idea what We’re talking about?)
then cracking jokes. (Crack is no joke!)
Why? (Because We like you?)
Because they are too afraid to spit it out! (Sorry, Bitch…classy hos swallow.)
It looks like if you want to get to the truth (You can’t panhandle the truth!)
about what they think or what they want, you need to come right out and ask them point blank. (Are We playing The Match Game?)
They might be surprised by your boldness, (To say nothing of Our beautifulism.)
but they will probably be relieved that you are ready to hear what they have to say. (Well, as long as they can relieve themselves.)
A little adventure provides a lot of inspiration, and getting enmeshed in unlikely situations is sure to lead to hot stuff! (If you re-read that sentence carefully, you will notice that it describes both the set-up for every porn movie ever made, AND every episode of I Love Lucy. Peculiar, no?)
Get a new perspective, (Honey, We have MC Escher on speed dial.)
grab some friends (We don’t know what kind of friends YOU have, but OUR friends hate when We grab them. Just sayin’.)
and find yourself somewhere new. (It being Hump Day and all, perhaps We would do better to find Ourself somewhere nude.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.