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Monday, June 17, 2013

Everything’s up to date in Kansas City

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMaxFactorMonday, June 17rd, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Pete, The Artist Formerly Known As Bo Peep, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Also, Happy Birthday to Messapotamia who also turns twenty-four today, either somewhere in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back or else possibly in The Fertile Crescent.  Which is between The Tigris and The Euphrates.  And which is also where One eats The Fertile Crescent Rolls.  Don’t ask Us difficult questions; We are Geographically Challenged.  On which subject, more later.

(Even though We know that The Euphrates is a river, from schoolday lessons about The Beginning Of Civilization (which were, of course, nonsense, Civilization having clearly begun at The Algonquin Hotel in New York City sometime in the 1920s or 30s), We cannot help but think that long-time Gentle Readers will imagine Euphrates as a cousin of MyBus riders Sucretia and Epiphany.  Ah, The Bad Old Days.)

In other news, Happy Belated Birthday to Nick, and to Rob, and to Jessica, each of whom turned twenty-four over this past weekend.

And here, with his very own Happy Belated Birthday paragraph, because that’s just the kind of Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) We are, is Michael, who also turned twenty-four this past weekend, and to whom We also wish a Happy Belated Birthday, and who really needs to become famous a lot faster so he can pay Us to destroy every existing copy of this video:

Before We begin The E-Pissode Proper (or should that be IMproper?), We would just like to share with you this little tidbit from the WorldWideInterWebNetz concerning Dame Judi Dench that We found on SitOnOurFaceBook this morning:  (Lest you think We just share things indiscriminately to take up space, We shall NOT be sharing something called “Tips For Triathalon Training In Hot Weather”, which We also saw on SitOnOurFaceBook this morning.  You’re welcome.)

And now, Today’s E-Pisstle To The E-Phesians (With A-Phasia (Aphasia…another cousin of Sucretia, Epiphany, and Euphrates, yes?)):

Many of Our Gentle Readers were no doubt wondering why they had nothing to nakedly skim on Friday.  Permit Us to e-nlighten you.  We were off off off We were off to Kansas City to attend a Starfish-Browne family reunion.  Now, in the interests of privacy, We shan’t offer up any details which might subject Our family members to the harsh spotlight of WorldWideInterWebNetzian celebrity which is Our cross to bear.  So We are going to discourse, not on the events and activities of the aforementioned Starfish-Browne family reunion, but on the geographic environs of same.

Prior to this weekend’s proceedings, We were aware of Kansas only as a large square state where corn is grown, which conspires with other such large square states to make it take an annoyingly long time to get to The Other Coast. And, while that may sound disparaging, it certainly puts Kansas ahead of Missouri, about which the only thing We knew was that it was called the “Show Me” state.  (Having no idea what the hell “the Show Me state” was supposed to mean, We imagined a lot of corn-fed boys called Zeke playing doctor in bucolic porno fillums.)

Imagine Our surprise when, upon being retrieved from the Kansas City airport (they have an airport!), We discovered that sometimes We were in Kansas, and sometimes We were in Missouri.  Seriously.  Now, We Our Own Self Personally live in a tri-state area, but We have not ever once found Ourselves accidentally in New Jersey or Delaware instead of Pennsylvania.  For one thing, going to New Jersey requires crossing a bridge and, therefore, a conscious decision, generally embarked upon when One is en route to the beach (downa shore) or en route to New York.  Going to Delaware, while not requiring crossing a bridge, is also not something One simply stumbles into, unless One has made a conscious decision to go to the beach (Rehomo) or to avoid sales tax.  So this “now-you’re-in-one-state-now-you’re-in-the-other” business left Us completely flummoxed.

To add to Our confusion (which, admittedly, is not difficult), at no point did We see so much as a cornstalk, let alone amber waves of grain.  Which, now that We think about it, could refer to wheat as well, but We didn’t see any of that, either.  Also, when We were in Missouri (or at least when they TOLD Us We were in Missouri), nobody Showed Us anything, least of all cornfed boys called Zeke playing doctor.

So there We are, like Faye Dunaway in that scene in Chinatown (“You’re in Kansas! (SLAP!) You’re in Missouri! (SLAP!)” (Heh.  We kill Us.)), when they struck the coup de grâce:  Kansas City, they sez, is in Missouri.  Or at least part of it is.

Quite frankly, at that point, We stopped listening.

Also, next year’s Starfish-Browne family reunion will be in Souf Philly.  Or possibly Mesopotamia, depending upon the fertility of Our crescent rolls.  (Slick callback, no?  We are A Highly-Trained Professional…do not attempt this at home.)

We are almost out of time, but We will just tell you that We thought We had met Our future ex-husband, who piloted Our aeroplane to said family festivities, but We were mistaken, as he told Us that he lives “just outside of Kansas City”, and We now have no earthly idea in what state that would be.

Did We mention Judi Dench’s embroidery?

In still other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: , because you care about Us like that.

For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:

And now the HorrorScopes:

In celebrity birthday news, Newt Gingrich and Barry Manilow were born on the exact same day, and for some reason that is making Us laugh.  It is also Venus Williams’s birthday, a fact which We mention only because for the first time We are wondering if she has a brother named Uranus.  Also, to keep things in perspective, it is the birthday of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!’s patron saint, MC Escher.

Try to push back your own concerns a bit (What if We’re too concerned to concern Ourself with that?)

— you’ve got some friends or coworkers who need you now!  (Ah, the infamous Exclamation Point Of Faux Urgency!)

If you can defer gratification for a bit longer, (“Defer gratification”?  Surely you jest.  Instant gratification isn’t fast enough.)

you should be able to score some great karma!  (Also, for every fifth karma you score, you get a chameleon.)

No one — not even you — can be selfless and generous all the time! (Can We be selfish and generish?)

It’s okay to mix a few selfish acts in with your good deeds today. (You heard the lady…c’mere, Zeke.)

Don’t do anything too egomaniacal (Or Episcopalian.  (Or JoePiscopalian.))

— just put yourself first a few times when you usually wouldn’t. (And that would be when?)

This isn’t an excuse to forget your manners (Or your womanners.)

but it is a reminder that you need to treat yourself like the star you are a little bit more often.  (What star should We treat Ourself like today?)

Okay, it’s true that mother doesn’t always know best, (You’d better not let The Sainted Mother hear you say that.)

but a piece of folksy, homespun advice hits home (Eeeuuuwww…are We gonna have to clean it up?)

when it comes to love. (Which, We are told, you can’t hurry.  No, you just have to wait.)

Even though you may not like the source, you can’t deny how accurate the homily is. (Alternatively, how accurate the hominy grits.)

(We have no idea what that meant, but it’s kind of like corn.  Which allegedly grows in Kansas.  As high as an elephant’s eye.  Although that’s in Oklahoma.  Not Arizona.  What does it matter?)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.