Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, June 5nd, 2013. Happy Hump Day to all you HumpDawgs and HumpKatz, HumpHawtDawgs and HumpHepKatz, Hump---okay, We’ll stop now.
We are already slaving and toiling over Our Fringe disaster…er, extravaganza. If only HimSelf would get out of bed and help Us. Suffice it to say, We cannot WAIT to begin sharing some of Our good news with you. As soon as We have any, that is. Nevertheless, it is not too early to declare it The Summer Of Starzina!
(Does anyone else think the word “extravaganza” looks like it has “vagina” in it? Just Us? Alrighty, then.)
We just got paid money to take a survey after watching the Man of Steel trailer. Superman had a beard (other than Lois Lane)…isn’t there some issue about Superman shaving? Also, why do We have a brain cell dedicated to knowing that?
Don’t mind Us; We just finished emptying the dishwasher. We swear, if Our life gets any more glamorous, We shall have to start wearing panties that say something other than “Tuesday”.
Speaking of wasted brain cells, this just in from Our foreign correspondent, Frank:
Useless bit of trivia learned today: More bananas are shipped into North America through Wilmington, Delaware than through any other port.
You say “potato” and I say “banana”; you say “tomato” and I say “banana”…
In other other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.
For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:
And now the HorrorScopes:
Bust out your Calvin Klein tighty-whities and your third nipples, boyzzzz and gurrlllzzzz, it’s Marky Mark Wahlberg’s birthday!
You need to stand by your plan (We’ll take “Tammy Wynette songs that didn’t make it” for $500, Alex. (Also, “Stand By Your Flan”, “Stand By Steely Dan”, and “Stand By Jackie Chan”.))
(Oh, shut up. We’re saving all Our good material for Our Fringe show.)
— otherwise, you may go off the rails entirely! (We may indeed.)
It’s a good time for you to enlist support and ensure that you keep heading in the right direction through these weird times. (So it’s not just Us? Shit is weird, right?)
Talking you into parting with your hard-earned cash won’t be an easy task at the moment, (But only because We ain’t got none. (Yes, We have no bananas; We have no bananas today.))
(You will note that bananas became a running theme the instant that We mentioned Mark Wahlberg’s tighty-whities.)
(You will also note that We randomly burst into arcane old songs. Because We are A Big Ol’ Ho-Ma-Seckshull.)
even for the most skilled salesclerk. (Perhaps it’s just Us (yet again), but “salesclerk” strikes Us as a particularly UNskilled job. Especially since the advent of barcodes. Just sayin’.)
Of course, if you do see the perfect item, (Is that a banana in your tighty-whities, Marky Mark, or are you just happy to see Us?)
heaven help anyone who tries to come between you and your purchase. (Or between Us and Marky Mark’s Calvins.)
(See what We did there?)
(We asked you a question…)
Your sign is represented by the ram, (Clearly, somebody’s been reading that copy of Astrology for Asshats that We bought her. (Who knew Kelli could read?))
a critter that’s famous for going through obstacles, not around them. (“Critter”? Seriously? Does anyone actually still SAY that?)
Impulse has always been your middle name, but for the time being, determination will run a close second. (So, in general, We shouldn’t be getting anything monogrammed anytime soon?)
All your hard work is starting to pay off, and your finances should be looking great! (Oh, they are! Rubbing these two nickels together has made them very shiny!)
Treat yourself to something sweet that’s just for you. (You probably all saw this coming, but how ‘bout a banana dipped in chocolate?)
Romance is sure to come looking, so you don’t have to break down its door. (We will, however, probably have to tear off its tighty-whities with Our teeth.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.