Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMadMaxMonDay, June 3th, 2013. Happy Birthday to Jeremy, who turns twenty-four today. Also, Happy Birthday to Ed, who also turns twenty-four today. Also also, Happy Belated Birthday to Andre, who also also turned twenty-four this past weekend. Also too also, Happy Belated Birthday to Rob, who also too also turned twenty-four this past weekend, but who did it in Mass-ACHOO!-setts. And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Belated Birthday to Karly, who didn’t even turn twenty-four this past weekend.
We WOULD wish a Happy Belated Birthday to Cut Films Pro, but, unlike certain demented political groups, We do not believe that corporations are people.
In Holiday news, Happy The Queen’s Birthday to all of Our New Zealandese readers. (What the fuck is the matter with all those people over in the YUK and its current and former territories? It either IS the Queen’s birthday, or it ISN’T. You can’t just have random Queen’s birthdays based on where you live. Jeebus.) Also, Happy Foundation Day to all of Our Western Australian readers. (And Happy Foundation Garment Day to Our EASTERN Australian readers.) Also also, Happy Irish Spring™ Bank Holiday to Our naked soaped-up Irish readers. (Manly, yes, but We like it, too.)
(Sorry for busting out the brogue so early in the morning. We may need to go lie down. Where the hell is a fainting couch when One needs one?)
So We must gallop apace through today’s e-pissode, as We have but one afternoon to complete Our application for the Philadelphia Fringe Festival. (Someday, someone will explain to Us how We always manage to get Ourself embroiled in situations where the other people involved are more equal than We are. But not today; We don’t have time to listen.) YouPeople will be hearing much, much, MUCH more about Our Fringe show as soon as We know what the fuck it is. (We can tell how excited you are already.)
In other other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.
For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:
And now the HorrorScopes:
We would report that today is Anderson Cooper’s birthday, but We don’t recall HIM ever reporting when it was Starzina Starfish-Browne’s birthday, so up his.
We are continuing to comparison-shop Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)s. Here, for example, is Kelli’s forecast for today:
Stay active today — though it isn’t hard to do. You just need to keep pushing yourself through the slow patches as they arise, and your amazing personal energy should always be there for you. You’ve never been good at taking orders, especially if they’re delivered by a higher-up with a chip on their shoulder. Under those circumstances, you’ll go out of your way to do exactly what you’ve been told not to do — and you’ll go about it with gleeful irreverence. You’re in just that type of mood right now, so if you don’t absolutely have to be around an authority figure you’re already at odds with, do something else.
To be compared with NotKelli’s:
With the economy still working its way out of the dumpster and Ashton Kutcher still on national TV, it’s easy to feel a little depressed right now. But there’s no need to, because once you stop looking at what’s wrong with life, you can’t help but start seeing what’s right about it. Life is a gift for crying out loud. And just in case you think the great creator doesn’t want you to be happy, then please explain beer and orgasms?
All things considered, We’ll take the one that has Ashton Kutcher in it. Because, seriously? “Pushing yourself through the slow patches”? “Your amazing personal energy”? And Our favorite: “do something else”. Way to be specific, AssHat! Meanwhile, Ashton Kutcher. In tighty-whities. ‘Nuff said.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.