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Monday, June 10, 2013

The sex is in the heel

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMandrakeTheMagicianMonday, June Tenf, Twenny-Firteen.  Happy Birthday to Amy, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, Happy Birthday to John, who also turns twenty-four today.  They are both in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to The Lovely And Talented Kevin, who turns twenty-four today all the way up north in The Witch City.

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Candace, who turned twenty-four on Saturday, and to OurAmericanCousin Nathan, who also turned twenty-four on Saturday.  They did it right here in The City That Loves You (On Your ) Back, or at least the suburbs thereof.  Happy Belated Birthday also too to Kenneth, who also too turned twenty-four on Saturday.  But he did it In The 212.

Additionally, Happy Belated Birthday (this may be an Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! birthday wishes record…if only We had Help, We’d send them to do research in the archives) to Sharon, who turned twenty-four on Sunday, and to Doug, who also turned twenty-four on Sunday, and to Dawn, who also also turned twenty-four on Sunday.  And, in case you’re tired of reading birthday wishes to people you don’t know, Happy Belated Birthday to Our future ex-husband Johnny Depp, who turned twenty-four on Sunday as well.  God alone knows where he did it, but who cares, because, wherever it was, he was Johnny Depp while it happened, and if you are being Johnny Depp AND there is cake,  We fail to see how things could get much better.

Whew!  We are exhausted (meaning, presumably, that We used to be hausted, but We aren’t any more, although it is unclear where inhausted would fit in), and all We’ve done so far is the birthday wishes.  Being a legend in One’s own mind is difficult.  Especially around the hollandaise.

We Our Own Self Personally had a jam-packed, fun-filled, flap-jacked, fudge-packed, Jack-Sprat-could-eat-no-fat…sorry, Our needle stuck.  (An entire generation of Our younger Gentle Readers just went scurrying to Wikipedia to Google “what the fuck does ‘getting One’s needle stuck’ mean?”  They are learning all about vinyl records and record players.  For no reason whatsoever, because, when We said “Our needle stuck”, We meant a hypodermic needle full of heroin.)

Since you nakedly skimmed Us last, We have done the murder mystery twice, and been voted the murderer both times.  The first evening was notable as We performed for sixty-five Canadians from some financial company, all getting drunk on the corporate credit card.  Prompting Us, as it will no doubt prompt some of you, to wonder, who the hell comes all the way from Canada to see some piece of murder mystery dinner theatre?  Ours is not to reason why, Ours is but to dye Our do.

(We have never understood that saying…have you ever understood that saying?)

In other news, We baked a cake this weekend, here in HimSelf’s kitchen.  As if there needed to be further proof that HimSelf is gay, he possesses a Bundt pan.  No str8 boi in the known universe possesses a Bundt pan, nor, indeed, would they know what one was if you asked them.  Str8 bois spell “Bundt” without the D (and without the capital B), and think it has something to do with balls.  HimSelf would like to have more to do with balls, but he’s apparently too busy buying Bundt pans.  Sigh.

In other other news, Literary HeartThrob Christopher Rice replied to one of Our tweets yesterday.  We may never wash Our tweeter again.  (We know what you’re thinking.  (Oh, yes, We do…We’re psychic.)  You’re thinking, what about her woofer?  Will she wash her woofer? And to both of you disgusting perverts We say, if Literary HeartThrob Christopher Rice shows up at Our door, We’ll have Our woofer do anything he wants.)

Literary HeartThrob Christopher Rice just applied to the Mayor of West Hollywood for a restraining order.  We are, of course, on opposite coasts, but still, better chafed than sari.

(What does that even MEAN?)

In still other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: , because you care about Us like that.

For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:

And now the HorrorScopes:

We could tell you that it is the birthday of Hoku Ho.  And, when you say, “Who the fuck is that?”, We could say she is the daughter of Don Ho, who is, according to the site where We get Our celebrity birthday information, “a well-known singer”.  Except that no one has ever heard of her.  So We think We’re just gonna go right ahead and celebrate The Day After Johnny Depp’s Birthday.

(Personal aside to Literary HeartThrob Christopher Rice:  Johnny Depp can give you pointers on that restraining order.  He’s had one against Us for years.)

You’re getting a little closer to home base today (Someone must have Bundted.)

(See how deftly and smoothly We slipped in that there sports reference?  Pretty amazing, no?)

— either your travels are starting to wrap up or you are getting closer to your family. (Or, neither of those things.  You totally suck at this, Kelli.)

This is a positive development, so smile and look ahead!  (Alternatively, DON’T look behind.  Because there’s so much behind back there.  Also, Don’t Look In The Basement.)

Trying to be perfect takes too much energy — so stop trying!  (Perhaps it is just Us, but it would seem that, if One has to TRY to be perfect, One cannot be perfect.  It’s one of those existential conundrums (conundra?), like how many angels can dance on the head of your penis, and what happens to them when you put a condom on.)

(You’re thinking about that now, aren’t you?  And it’s turning you on just a little…)

You need to understand that just being yourself makes you much more desirable than you would be if you were trying to be someone else’s idea of a perfect person. (Apparently, you have not met Us.)

Stick to your own identity. (Always be yourself.  Unless you can be batman.  Then, always be Batman.)

Not only is it simpler, (And god knows, We are Simple People.)

it’s so much more fun!  (Which is what girls just wanna have.  Speaking of which, the Tonys™ not being a crapfest like the Oscars™, We didn’t bother with a review, but We trust you all saw Ms. Lauper?  And could We just go right ahead and declare Neil Patrick Harris King And Queen Of The Universe?)

(In case you nakedly skimmed past it the first time, here is Our review of this year’s Oscars™: )

You’ll always be confident when you’re going by what you truly believe.  (That’s way too complexicated.   We will always be confident because We are always wearing Depends™.)

When you try to guess what the ‘right’ answer is, you end up getting into trouble.  (Not, however, as much trouble as We wind up getting into when We try to guess what the WRONG answer is.)

(Kelli?  Is an AssHat.)

You’ve got charm to spare, as usual, (Luckily, We are also magically delicious.)

but you’ve also got values front and center.  (We have to…there’s no room for them behind.)

 Folks may be charming you back, but they also have to prove they’ve got more than just a pretty face to really win your heart. (Um, no.  No, they really don’t.  A pretty face will pretty much do it.  (Not that being A Movie Star or A Literary HeartThrob wouldn’t put extra icing on the cupcake. (Literary HeartThrob Christopher Rice just called Home Depot about installing an electric fence…)))

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.