Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for TuesdayWeld’sCornsAndIDon’tCare, June 18, 2013. Ha. You thought We were going to say “GoodPieRupeeTuesday”, didn’t’cha, Blanche? But We? Are unpredictable. And, presumably, unpostdictable. Basically, We are just pretty much undictable. (Now We are confused, as it is unclear to Us what a dick table is. We shall have to hunt down Our Ikea catalog…)
Happy Birthday to Jackie, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in Texas. Which is near Kansas and Missouri, but don’t get Us started on THAT again. (For those of you who missed yesterday’s e-pissode, here is the geography lesson: http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/06/everythings-up-to-date-in-kansas-city.html (Go ahead; We’ll wait.)) Also, Happy Birthday to Joseph, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
We have been inexplicably awake since the crack of ass this morning, so if We are making less sense than usual, that may be why. Also, We need to fairly sizzle through this, as We need to spend the rest of the day doing something We don’t know how to do yet, because it’s so difficult to get good help these days. But We didn’t want to disappoint Our Gentle Readers (or, more to the point, leave Our naked skimmers sitting there naked with nothing to skim).
What if the Three’s Company theme song started out, “Put your cock in our whore”?
(That would be that “making less sense than usual” thingie We mentioned.)
(Our mind just wandered off for a few minutes, imagining Our naked skimmers. Fortunately, while Our mind was missing, We also stopped typing. (This is not, you may have noticed, always the case.))
If you cannot spell “whoa” properly, We judge you.
In still other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.
For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:
And now the HorrorScopes:
It is Scooter Braun’s birthday. Who da fuq, you ask, is Scooter Braun? Justin Bieber’s manager. There will be cake.
Your curiosity is engaged, and your big brain may lead you into some uncharted territory as a result. (And where, We might well ask, will Our little brain lead Us?)
It’s easier than you’d think to change your life (We’re havin’ a hot flash, a tropical hot flash…)
without forcing anything drastic on yourself. (Spastic elastic wrapped in plastic and sprayed with Fantastik™.)
People will be treating you the way you deserve to be treated today (Oh, dear.)
— that is, singing your praises and patting you on the back. (With what?)
That means that it is a particularly good time to use all the good will (Good Will Hunting for Matt Damon’s ass…what was the question again?)
(Oddly enough, if you Google-image-search “Matt Damon’s ass”, you do not get any images of Matt Damon’s ass. How is that possible?)
that’s coming your way to get people to help you start something new. (We shall be starting a KickStarter any day now. Stay tuned.)
Whether it’s a business, a party, (Or a mullet…business in the front, party in the back.)
a new work project, or a new relationship, you will get by today thanks to the people whose help you need. (Mmm-hmm. If the people whose help We need would actually help, We wouldn’t have to spend the rest of Our day learning to do things We don’t know how to do.)
All you have to do is ask nicely. (Who da fuq is Nicely?)
What’s all the fussing and fighting about? (Also, what’s love got to do, got to do widdit?)
Bring a much-needed sense of calm to a potential lover’s frazzled energy. (Alternatively, bring a much bearded sense of clam to a potential lover’s vajazzled entropy.)
Save the day (Kiss Us quick, We’re Mighty Mouse.)
with a sense of perspective (Please, Escher, don’t hurt ‘em.)
and a can-do attitude that makes mincemeat out of the fracas. (Is that like turning chicken shit into chicken salad?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.