Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMandrakeTheMagicianMonday, June 24rd, 2013. (We just had to look up whether Mandrake the Magician is a real person, to ascertain if We would need to include him in Our Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! index off to the right there. (He is not, We do not, and you’re welcome.))
We are going to make this e-pissode very simple, so that even the naked skimmers can follow along.
As you can see, Our latest video, Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: CANCER 2013 is above.
If you’ve been paying attention (oh, relax; We know you haven’t), you will note that this is the fourth installment in a (so far) four e-pissode story arc. Because We’re a writer like that, and stuff.
We would like you to take this link to said video http://youtu.be/e-EpBAfem_M and email it to your friends. Or put it on their SitOnMyFacebook pages. Or, if they are having a Cancer birthday, wish them a happy birthday with it. Seriously, people…is this so difficult?
And now the HorrorScopes:
We will just bet that you did not know that Beyoncé has s sister named Solange, whose birthday is today. See the things you learn when you come here? Sharing Our video is the LEAST you could do.
Solange, farewell, auf wiedersehn, goodbye…
You’ve got to keep both feet on the ground today (What, keeping them behind Our ears didn’t make everyone come running?)
— but it’s hard! (All together now: That’s what SHE said.)
Your energy feels somewhat flat and diffuse, (And, if it were (subjunctively) the 80s, We could put some mousse on it. (Do they even MAKE mousse anymore?))
but that could actually make it simpler to keep your agenda fairly low-key. (Or, alternatively, Francis Scott Key. Who was a real person. Unlike Mandrake the Magician. Who was a cartoon. Much like Bulliwnkle J. Mousse. (You realize, of course, that, until you go share Our video, We’re just going to keep talking. With absolutely no idea of what We’re talking about.))
It’s perfectly acceptable to rely on the support of friends and family (But only if you’re athletic.)
to see you through the tough times — after all, they love doing it. (Indeed. But they never do it HERE.)
But at a certain time you have to get back to normal life, (Good luck with that.)
and start dealing with your emotions on your own. (Our e-motions? We can barely handle Our e-moticons.)
You can do this — you have done it before, and you will have to do it again, probably. (Wow. When you say it like that, it sounds like a Jean Paul Sartre play.)
(Are We goddamn fucking cultured, or what?)
(Micro$oft Weird™ just very kindly pointed out to Us that “goddamn” does not have three Ds in it. It had no correct spelling suggestions for Us, and yet it recognized “goddamn” once We had corrected it. Micro$oft Weird™ apparently wears white gloves and uses smelling salts.)
Move away from the caring-but-limiting arms of loved ones. (That is a very peculiar sentence.)
Go off on your own and remind yourself that being independent is the healthiest way to be right now. (Being in Depends™ isn’t a bad idea, either.)
It’s time for a judicious exchange of information: Share your innermost romantic thoughts with someone you trust. (Oh, great. Another restraining order.)
Hearing them out loud should help you rediscover your internal compass. (To say nothing of Our internal slide rule. (No, really…say NOTHING.))
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.