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Friday, June 21, 2013

If you ain’t got elegance, you’ll never ever carry it off

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday, June 21nd, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Darnelle, who We thought was turning twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, but it turns out is turning twenty-four in Jersey City, New Jersey, which wants for all the world to sound like “New York, New York”, but doesn’t.  Happy Birthday also to Edgardo, who also turns twenty-four today, in Lancaster.  Shoo-fly pie, Rumspringa.  (That’s Amish for “swimming pools, movie stars”.)  Also, Happy Birthday also too to Peter, who also too turns twenty-four somewhere in Greater Bostonia.  And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Prince William, who has caused Us to reprise one of Our most-popular-ever Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Pixtures Du Jour Au Jus No Muss No Fuss Leave The Driving To Us Which Should Really Be No Moo No Foo Leave The Driving To Nous Because We Love When We Can Make A Frawnch Joke For Our Sistah Ovella.

No, but seriously…you have no idea how many people stumble across these hallowed pages by searching for “Prince William naked”.  Our Google-O-Meter™ tells Us so, and Our Google-O-Meter™ would not lie.  Oddly, no one ever gets here by searching for “Prince Albert in a can”.

All of which leads Us to a short digression about Englishmen and Frenchmen, which will eventually be finding a larger audience in Our one-woman show in this year’s Philadelphia Fringe Festival, which it’s about time We started writing, so herewith some multitasking towards same.  To wit, all Englishmen are gay.  They only fuck women to be polite, and to procreate.  Pip, pip, sporting, what?   Meanwhile, no Frenchmen are gay.  They only fuck men because they are randy bastards who will fuck anything that holds still.  Including but not limited to freshly-caught fish, household appliances, and hedgehogs.

Don’t even get Us started on Chinamen.

Gentle Readers who have been around the block at least once will now be one step ahead of Us in inventing the epithet “Hedgehog Fucker”.  You’re welcome.

Truly astute Gentle Readers, meanwhile, missed the entire racial segment, as they are still busy pondering the difference between “Prince Albert in a can” and “A Prince Albert in YOUR can”.

Did We mention that We’re going to be doing a one-woman show?  ThankYouVeryMuch, We’llBeHereAllWeek, Don’tForgetToTipYourWaitress.

Speaking of shows, We were very distressed when Our murder mystery was cancelled for this evening, especially as We were having a friend come to see it.  This marks the second time one of Our friends has been thwarted in their efforts to see the fruits of Our labors; last time, it was because the entire show was sold out to a group.  This time, it was because there were not enough reservations.  All things considered, We preferred last time.

In still other news, you will notice the penultimate appearance above of Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: , because you care about Us like that.

For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:

And now the HorrorScopes:

Here’s a bizarre celebrity birthday factoid that We had not known before (or perhaps We had known and forgot…who knows?  We don’t.):  Meredith Baxter and Michael Gross, who played Michael J. Fox’s parents on Family Ties, were both born on this date, in the same year.  Spooky, no?

Your cultural ideas are starting to take shape today, (Obviously.  We’ve already shared Our cultural ideas about Englishmen and Frenchmen.  If We get around to the Chinamen, you’ll know why Fifty Million Frenchmen Aren’t Named Wong.)

(Heh.  We kill Us.)

and you may want to indulge in a creative romp. (Oh, We SO do!  A romp, and then perhaps a rumpus.  We hear there’s a room for that.)

(Romp, rumpus, Rumspringa…coincidence?  We think not.)

Your amazing, fiery energy (Sorry…what?)

makes it easy to impress people (It is always easy to impress them if they are easily impressed.)

(There’s a song in there somewhere, don’t’cha think?)

and to learn more about them.  (Could We learn LESS about them instead?  KThxBye.)

You’ll be the consummate student today (See, if that were (subjunctively) Frawnch, it would be “consommé student”.  And how stupid would you feel, standing around studying broth?  (Meanwhile, if One studies whores in a whorehouse, would One study broth in a brothel?  (Existential questions like these are the reason why We never get anything done around here.)))

(Meanwhile, We mistyped “whorehouse” in that last segment, and Micro$oft Weird™ suggested “warehouse”.  Seriously, Micro$oft Weird™?)

— your mind is inquisitive and your energy is focused (That’s odd…earlier, it was “amazing”.  And “fiery”.  Make up your damn mind, hedgehog fucker.)

on acquiring new knowledge. (Well, new to Us, anyway.  For example, We are now fairly certain that We already knew that thing about Meredith Baxter and Michael Gross’s birthdays, but had forgotten it.  So, now that We know it again, does it take up a whole second brain cell, or does it just go back to the first one?)

You are also already smart enough to know that you don’t know everything, so why not just admit it? (We have no idea..why not?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

Don’t be afraid to show the holes in your intelligence — after all, that’s the only way to fill them up!  (Was it just Us, or did that sound positively filthy?  (And, if so, would this be a good place for another “a Prince Albert in your can” joke?))

Your ego is strong enough to weather a lesson in something simple that you think everyone else already knows, so step up and ask an expert for a lesson.  (How many hedgehogs would a woodchuck fuck if a woodchuck could fuck hedgehogs?)

A chance rendezvous leads you back to an old romance (See, We started this off by pronouncing “chance” the Frawnch way to go along with “rendezvous”, but now you‘ve thrown “romance” in there and screwed everything up.)

that you thought had permanently fizzled.  (Fo’ shizzle mah nizzle.)

(Da fuq?)

Hmm — why didn’t this work out again? (Possibly because We’ve finally lost the rest of what’s been passing for Our mind?)

Don’t dwell on the past.  (But it’s so difficult to dwell on the future.)

Focus on the present  (Yay, presents!)

and explore the possibilities instead. (Can We explore Prince William’s Speedo™ instead?)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.