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Monday, December 1, 2014

Here comes the rich man in his big long limousine

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMandrakeTheMagicianManhandlingMadgeTheManicuristMonday,  December Oneth, 2014.

Happy Day Without Art to All And Sundry/Juan Anne Dahl.  Despite it being Day Without Art, here We are, e-pisstling Our fingers to the very bone to bring you a litter-hairy masterpiece of such e-pic proportions that you’re liable to…well, We-don’t-know-what.

And, Our Dilbert calendar informs Us, We must also wish you a Happy Saint Andrews Day (observed), at least those of you who live in Scotland. The only thing Scotland means to Us, of course, is looking up Prince Harry’s kilt.  Talk about your Fire Down Below…

And now, to tie those two threads together with a neat little bow (surely you didn’t imagine that We were just spewing forth random nonsense?  We are A Highly-Trained Professional!), Day Without Art is, naturally, one part of World AIDS Day.  A more-recent World AIDS Day development is the Feel No Shame campaign, which is an effort to reduce the social stigma surrounding HIV infection.  To promote this effort, the aforementioned Prince Harry revealed an “embarrassing secret” about himself this morning.  To wit, that, when he walks into a room full of people wearing a suit, he is afraid that everyone is staring at him.

Well, DUH.  You’re a six-foot-two gorgeous ginger with an enormous scepter…of COURSE people are staring at you. (You might want to try walking into a room in your birthday suit and see what happens.  Just a thought.)

(Meanwhile, didja know that, if you Google “Prince Harry naked” on Wikipedia, you get, as you might imagine, pictures of Prince Harry naked.  But, if you just Google “Harry naked” on Wikipedia, you get equal numbers of pictures of Prince Harry naked and Harry Styles naked. (Not that We did that earlier, or anything.))

(Also, thanks to Our Own Personal Herculean e-fforts, Googling “Grayson Coats naked” and “Elih Tani naked” on Wikipedia now return actual hits.  Granted, they all lead to Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, but still.  You’re welcome, Grayson Coats.  And Elih Tani.)

If you’re wondering why We are being extra-scintillating this morning (whaddaya mean, you didn’t notice?), it is because We are celebrating Day One of Our third annual participation in Holidailies:

Well, ladies and genitals, boyzzz and gurrrlllzzz, We have joined up with something called Holidailies, (which see: ), wherein We pledge Our solemn troth (doesn’t that sound painful?) to publish an e-pissode of Our blog every day of December.  And, while We are certainly sure that We shall falter in Our resolve some weekend later in the month, We certainly didn’t intend to fuck up directly out of the starting gate, as it (subjunctively) were, and bring The Holidaily Police to Our door with a warrant. (Ordinarily, a phrase like “The Holidaily Police” would have spawned a joke about The Tyne Daly Police, and (naturally) a Cagney and Lacey reference, but today, We intend to press on.  Like Lee™ Press-On Nails.)

So, to continue.  We would wish you Happy World AIDS Day, but “Happy World AIDS Day” isn’t exactly something polite people would say.  And We are NOTHING if not polite fucking people.  Also, you will notice that there is all kinds of art up above on what is supposed to be A Day Without Art.  Our justification for that is that the hordes of new Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! readers who come from Holidailies would have no idea that there is usually art up there if there (subjunctively) weren’t any, so to them, it wouldn’t be A Day Without Art it would just be A Day, and that’s just stupid.

And now for some birthday wishes:

Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Dan, who turns twenty-four today in York.  Whence come the peppermint patties.  (They do so too…We looked it up.)

Happy Birthday also to Chris, and Joe, and Louie, and Richard, and Sue, each of whom also turns twenty-four today, but not anywhere that spawns peppermint patties.

And Happy Belated Birthday to Jane, Michael, Steve, Ed, Rob, Tom, Jason, Joanne, and Theresa, each of whom turned twenty-four while We were off in the hinterlands having Our turkey and eating it too (whatever that means).

Speaking of birthdays, and of Prince Harry’s birthday suit, , We have leapt recently into Sagittarius, Our video for which is above.  (If We had Our finger on Our ephemeris We could tell you exactly when.  (Dirty-minded Gentle Readers with limited vocabularies just went scurrying off to Google “ephemeris” on Wikipedia.  Quests for knowledge are HAWTT.))

Here is the link with which you may share Our Sagittarius video with both of your friends:  

And here, for your further edification, is Our very first Sagittarius video:

(If your name is Ed, do you even need further edification?)

(Heh…see what We did there?)

It further occurs to Us that We have been neglecting to mention, in light of Our recent Joseph Gordon-Levitt e-pissode (which see: ) that We have recently watched Don Jon, a cinematic effort written by, directed by, and starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and lo, it was good. (Of course, We also just got around to watching Argo.  Also good, but it could have used more Joseph Gordon-Levitt.)

Is no one going to comment on how adorable this is?  Or at all?  (Is this thing on?):

Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here:  ? 

We trimmed Our Christmas tree yesterday.  It looks like it was decorated by one of those spiders they used to test LSD on.

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.

It is Bette Midler’s birthday.  Clearly, everyone has the day off.

You need to rest and recharge — things aren’t likely to go your way anyway, (And this is in some way news?)

so why not take time off and let the rest of the world catch up to you? (Have you SEEN the rest of the world?  Why would We let them catch Us?)

 Things ought to make more sense tomorrow. (Again, always true, seldom likely.)

 Your mind is in a very powerful phase today (Are you sure you don’t mean “faze”?)

— especially where visual abilities are concerned — so it’s a great day for artistic endeavors and projects. (Which part of “Day Without Art” was unclear to you?  AssHatt.)

You may find some inspiration early today that makes all your choices clear.  (We may indeed.  It won’t be in Kelli’s horoscope, but whatevs.)

In your personal life, consider updating your closet inventory — a new fashion statement may give your attitude a boost.  (Should We consider wearing Prince Harry’s birthday suit, or does that sound a little too Silence of the Lambs?)

Cupid’s got some funny stuff up his sleeve, (You should see what’s up his kilt…)

so expect some romantic curveballs. (Heh.  Kelli said “balls”.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne
 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.