Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, December Threeth, 2014.
Happy Hump Day to all you Humps, Humpettes, and Humperettas out there. (We have no actual idea what a “Humperetta” is. (It might be a porno fillum where they sing. (Now We’ve frightened Ourself.)))
Happy Birthday to TheLovelyAndTalentedHarriet, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in WeHo, El Lay. Just steps away, no doubt from TheLovelyAndTalented Del, who also turns twenty-four today, also in WeHo, El Lay. And to whom We also wish a Happy Birthday, in case that was unclear.
Meanwhile, on The Right Coast, Happy Birthday to Nicky, who turns twenty-four today in New York. New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).
These geographical locations are all perfectly acceptable, and not especially joke-worthy. They do, however, make Us despair of ever getting any cake. Much like yesterday, when Our birthday wishes went to Connecticut and Colorado, and We also didn’t get any cake. Sigh.
(Speaking of which, We are also still awaiting a sext from Colorado. (Hi, Blair!))
In a last-ditch effort to obtain cake, Happy Birthday to David, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. So, as you can see, David, it’s all on you: We need some damn cake up in here.
Meanwhile, as if Our cakelessness were (subjunctively) not cause enough for despair, We are off to The Murder Mystery Factory this afternoon for a very special private show (get your mind out of the gutter), with all manner of special requirements and difficulties. The Murder Mystery Factory is determined, you see, to pee in the very punchbowl of Our holiday season, and fuck Us, as it were, up against a rock with a sandpaper condom.
Where is Our winning PowerBall™ ticket when We need it?
Speaking of birthdays, (and of Prince Harry’s birthday suit (as One does)) , We have leapt recently into Sagittarius, Our video for which is above. (If We had Our finger on Our ephemeris We could tell you exactly when. (Dirty-minded Gentle Readers with limited vocabularies just went scurrying off to Google “ephemeris” on Wikipedia. Quests for knowledge are HAWTT.))
Here is the link with which you may share Our Sagittarius video with both of your friends: http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y
And here, for your further edification, is Our very first Sagittarius video:
(If your name is Ed, do you even need further edification?)
(Heh…see what We did there?)
Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001? And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html ?
Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.
In celebrity birthday news, no, Celebrity Birthday Website, the fact that Gemma Styles is Harry Styles’ sister does NOT make her a celebrity, or, indeed, special in any way. Ya know what’s special? Harry Styles’ underpants.
Try to push yourself in a new direction (Did somebody say “One Direction”?)
— anything you start today is sure to be a success! (We will be at the Murder Mystery Factory, “starting” absolutely nothing, hopefully finishing at a reasonable hour to come home and go to bed.)
It’s a really good time for you to step up and make sure that your people are following your lead. (Okay, first of all, “Our people”? Do not so much exist.)
(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), We still need an actor for several Very Special Murder Mysteries this month. Female, 20s-30s, soap opera star. Paid gig, get at Us. And please bring cake.)
Just before you pick up the phone, remind yourself that you’re not sure what kind of mood they’ll be in. (Why do We care what kind of mood imaginary people are in?)
That way, if they’re as ready as you are to get into it, you won’t be shocked. (We are fairly certain, however, that We shall be appalled.)
A team of potent astrological players (The Green Bay Fudgepackers?)
(We have no idea what made Us say that.)
is set up in your house of long-distance relationships, (And is that gonna help Us get cake? Or a sext from Colorado?)
ready to help you unearth what might previously have been seen as over. (Yes, pineapple upside-down cake is fine.)
(Holy non sequitur, Batman! These tights make my balls itch!)
(Gentle Readers Of A Certain Age are now imagining Burt Ward’s balls. You’re welcome, Gentle Readers Of A Certain Age.)
It’s a solar eclipse, and those, friends, are the stuff of mighty changes. (Not to mention Mighty Ducks. (No, really…don’t mention them.))
Great big ones — no kidding. (Aaaaaannnddd We’re back to Burt Ward’s balls.)
Find someone who is simpatico. (Fucking foreigners.)
Where to look? Think politics, animals and charity events. (What does that even MEAN???)
And while you’re at it, see who else is around to join in the fun! (Harry Styles, Prince Harry…Prince Harry, Harry Styles…Prince Harry Styles (Now THERE’S a pair of underpants….))
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.