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Monday, December 8, 2014

Here a dick, there a dick, everywhere a dik-dik

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManicuredManateeManhandlingManacledManxesMonday,  December Eightst, 2014.

Happy Birthday to Bryan, who turns twenty-four today, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Also, Happy Birthday to Aaron, who also turns twenty-four today in the suburbs of The City That Loves You (On Your) Back, aka Collingswood, Jew Nersey, which always makes Us think of Collinwood from Dark Shadows, which you would think was leading to something amusing, but isn’t.

And last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Bill, who also too turns twenty-four today.  In Yew Nork.  Yew Nork, Yew Nork…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).

Belatedly, Happy Belated Birthday to Frank, and Josh, and Matt, and Nadia, each of whom turned twenty-four this past weekend.

But enough about Other People…let’s talk about everybody’s favorite subject: Us!  We have received a Best Of Holidailies™ Award for Our Holidailies™ e-pissode on Our Sistah Ovella’s birthday!  (See said award here: and said e-ntry directly here: ) We are positively shrilled and ignited, as well as honored beyond belief!

So, in addition to Our Sistah Ovella, Our sincere gratitude and thanks to Allen, Blair, Bryan, Kevin, and Peter, each of whom appeared in the e-pissode in question and was pictured naked therein.  (We are STILL waiting for Our sexts, gentlemen.)

We would also like to thank the members of the Holidailies™ academy, and also all the little people.

Speaking of Our Sistah Ovella, We went to watch her frut and stret her hour upon the stage yesterday, in a play called Clever Dick.  Which, while indeed clever, was not quite so forthcoming with the dick.  It was all great fun, though, and naturally Our Sistah was brilliant (it’s genetical, don’t’cha know?), as was Our friend Marilyn, whom We don’t see nearly enough of.  They run for one more week, and you can obtain your tickets here: 

Meanwhile, it is Our considered opinion that EVERY play should henceforth be called Clever Dick (or, if appropriate, Clever Dick: The Musical!), thereby increasing audiences exponentially.

You’re welcome.

In other news, We had a dream last night in which some really annoying person was attempting to get Us to solve some complexicated mathematical problem in order to design an acceptable bed for Ourself.  Seeing as We were already firmly ensconced in a perfectly acceptable bed, both within the dream AND in real life, We for the most part told this person where he could go and what he could do once he got there.

We have leapt recently into Sagittarius, Our video for which is above.  (If We had Our finger on Our ephemeris We could tell you exactly when.  (Dirty-minded Gentle Readers with limited vocabularies just went scurrying off to Google “ephemeris” on Wikipedia.  Quests for knowledge are HAWTT.))

Here is the link with which you may share Our Sagittarius video with both of your friends:  

And here, for your further edification, is Our very first Sagittarius video:

Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here:  ? 

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.


In celebrity birthday news, it is Ian Somerhalder’s birthday, so at least We have a cake to jump out of later.

And now, as time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future, here, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli is A Reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina ~

It is very good to see you again.

Time management can be a challenge, can it not? Madame Olivia recommends simplifying where possible. She is suddenly reminded of her high-achieving grandmother (a powerful Aries, as it happens), who didn't bother folding laundry but merely stuffed it in the appropriate drawer, where it lay ready for her to blindly plunge in her hand and pull out as needed. She applied the time saved to the good work she wrought as a pillar of her community. Is there a place in your life to simplify?

Dear Aries, Madame Olivia takes pleasure in reminding you that the startup energy you have expended in several realms will continue to bear fruit. Your job is to ENJOY the gifts coming your way. You would do well, though, to stop and appreciate what you're receiving. This counteracts complacency, and also heightens joy in the moment!

Keep your ears open for a special song

Our time together today is drawing to a close. Madame Olivia bids you au revoir and good luck until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne
 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.