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Wednesday, December 17, 2014

I made it out of Clay Aiken







Hello, Ducks!




Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay,  December Sebbenteenst, 2014.



Happy Birthday to Charlie, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.



Happy Birthday also to Lizzie, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.



So BOTH of Our birthday people live here, and We bet We still don’t get cake.



Also, Chappy Chanukkah to Our Jewish Gentle Readers.



Moving on…



We have a Very Special Murder Mystery at the Murder Mystery Factory today at 2:30. Because who DOESN’T want a four-course lunch? We have one new actor starting, and one actor playing a role he’s never played before.  Because Gawd forbid anything should be easy.  We really need to win PowerBall™ very soon.



At any rate, here is the e-pissode from last Christmas season that everybody seems (according to Our Gootgle-O-Meter™)  to be revisiting all of a sudden:  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2013/12/she-works-hard-for-money.html   Enjoy!





We are leaving this holiday-related bit here, in case you missed it:





On a positive note, check out Our Best Of Holidailies™ Award  here:  http://www.holidailies.org/entries/bestof#entry-1286 and go to the e-ntry directly here:  http://ericsdailyhoroscope.blogspot.com/2014/12/time-passages.html




We have leapt recently into Sagittarius, Our video for which is above.  (If We had Our finger on Our ephemeris We could tell you exactly when.  (Dirty-minded Gentle Readers with limited vocabularies just went scurrying off to Google “ephemeris” on Wikipedia.  Quests for knowledge are HAWTT.))



Here is the link with which you may share Our Sagittarius video with both of your friends:   http://youtu.be/6f1m5GLfk1Y  




And here, for your further edification, is Our very first Sagittarius video:





Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html  ? 



Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.



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In celebrity birthday news, We are going to send you to Our celebrity birthday website your on selves so you can see the sorry collection of D-list has-beens, never-weres, and nobodies who were born today.  The only person of actual note is Pope Francis, and We aren’t even saying that to make a joke.  Jeebus.  Here ya go: http://www.famousbirthdays.com/december17.html





Aries

While innovative, your plans for a solar-panel-powered sex machine will fall victim to a wave of scorn and derision.

Taurus

It may be time to get help for your fear of public speaking now that it's tragically prevented you from yelling "Look out!" to yet another group of innocent bystanders.

Gemini

Somehow, exclaiming "Someone in this very room is the murderer!" lacks dramatic weight when everyone just saw you beat a guy to death with a tire iron.

Cancer

It's not as if you have an insatiable thirst for blood. You're just insatiably thirsty and blood happens to be what's around.

Leo

You'll meet your own mortality face-to-face this week and be completely disarmed by his boyish smile, nice suit, and career as an environmental lawyer.

Virgo

You'll be frustrated and mortified when it turns out there's no such thing as a professional snipe hunter, but the pay's good and you get to work a four-day week.

Libra

You'll be faced with the choice of either investing in apartment insurance or getting rid of your cat and her thus far undetected fascination with candles.

Scorpio

The idea that nothing can offend you anymore is shattered when you find out what atrocities George Lucas has in store for the 35th anniversary of Star Wars.

Sagittarius

You said you'd retire after one last job, and 40 years after accepting a minor actuarial position with Amalgamated Loan and Trust, you're honoring your word.

Capricorn

Constantly seeking approval is unhealthy, but you should still consider the opinions of those nice folks from the Secret Service.

Aquarius

The verb "tear" is somewhat misleading here, but certain people and circumstances in your life will in fact combine to give you a new asshole.

Pisces

You thought you were over her, but the memories keep flooding back as the scars heal and your brain tissue repairs itself.

(Who wants cake?)



Namaste, MotherFuckers.



In gaseousness,


Starzina Starfish-Browne
 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://sett.com/astrogeek895/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.