Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManacledManicuristMasticatingManicottiMonday, December Fifteenst, 2014.
Happy Birthday to Chris, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
Happy Birthday also to Kate, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.
And also as well too, Happy Birthday to Joey, who and also as well too turns twenty-four today. In New York. New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).
And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Max, who also turns twenty-four today. In, of all places, Birdsboro. With, presumably his bird in his hand and two something-something bush.
Geography is a laugh riot, no?
Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Neena and to Sheryl. One of whom turned twenty-four over the weekend, and one of whom did not even.
Before We plunge into the morass that is OurWorldAndWelcomeToIt, here is this little bit of holiday cheer. Safe For Work, and if it doesn’t put a smile on your face, your Monday must be totally fucked. SorryBoutIt:
So, after a harrowing weekend at the Murder Mystery Factory, where We (just barely) hung onto Our job (probably because they know that if they get rid of Us before the holidays are over, their schedule is fucked), We dragged Our weary, battered ass out of bed yesterday for the video shoot for the indiegogo campaign for an upcoming project with which we are associated (more on that story as it develops).
Afterwards, following a few Christmas-related errands (none of which, unfortunately, involved any of the adorable British bois in the above video), We returned home for a hot toddy and Our hot water bottle, where We watched the Zac Efron/Seth Rogen fillum, Neighbors.
Now, Lord Baby Jeebus knows, We are all about any excuse to sit and look at Zac Efron with no clothes on. In fact, when next We visit The Left Coast, We shall be pitching Our indie fillum script, Zac Efron Reads The Phone Book With No Clothes On. However, if other (less attractive (hence clothed)) people are going to appear in the fillum with Zac-Efron-With-No-Clothes-On, they really ought to at least pretend that they’re making an actual fillum, instead of the last fifteen minutes of the pilot episode of some NBC sitcom that will be cancelled after two airings.
Premise-wise (and there may be spoilers ahead (although, if you’ve seen a commercial for this thing, you’ve seen the entire movie)), Zac Efron’s college fraternity, Eye Felta Thigh or some such, moves in next door (because college fraternities buy houses and move, riiiight?) to Seth Rogen and his wife (Rose Byrne). So far so good, it’s gonna be Animal House, except Zac Efron is way prettier than John Belushi.
Here’s where things start to go astray: Zac Efron (who is 27) makes Seth Rogen (who is also prettier than John Belushi (“prettier than John Belushi” not being much of a standard), and who is 32) feel OLD. No, Hollywood. “Fat and less-prettier-than-John-Belushi-than-Zac-Efron” and “old” are not the same thing.
Although We have (unfortunately) never been in a room with Zac Efron, with no clothes on or otherwise, We are going to venture to guess that, if We were (subjunctively) 32 (instead of 24), and Zac Efron (who is 27) walked into a room in which We were, what We would feel would not be “old”. What We would feel would be “less attractive than Zac Efron”. (Also “let’s tear a piece off of THAT”, but that is not germane to Our point.)
On the flip side, something they got right was casting Rose Byrne (who is 35) as Seth Rogen(who is 32)’s wife, instead of the usual Holly wood practice, which would be to cast the wife not only younger than Seth Rogen, but younger than Zac Efron. And they actually gave her things to do, other than “be Seth Rogen’s wife”. Although she really needs a better agent, because, as the female lead in this thing, she totally needed a “make out with Zac Efron with no clothes on” scene written into her contract.
Of course, Rose Byrne’s character having a make-out scene with Zac Efron’s character would have been a plot twist, and, if there’s one thing of which this fillum was totally devoid, it’s plot twists (unless you count the epilog, which (spoiler alert) contains Seth Rogen with no clothes on, so We hope you’ve turned the whole affair off by then). The whole thing lumbers on from Point A to Point B to Point C in such an insultingly predictable manner that One wonders if the entire fillum is aimed at an audience made to feel old by Seth Rogen and Rose Byrne’s baby.
Okay, that’s enough Hollyweird for today.
On a positive note, check out Our Best Of Holidailies™ Award here:
and go to the e-ntry directly here:
We have leapt recently into Sagittarius, Our video for which is above. (If We had Our finger on Our ephemeris We could tell you exactly when. (Dirty-minded Gentle Readers with limited vocabularies just went scurrying off to Google “ephemeris” on Wikipedia. Quests for knowledge are HAWTT.))
Here is the link with which you may share Our Sagittarius video with both of your friends:
And here, for your further edification, is Our very first Sagittarius video:
Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001? And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here: http://www.lulu.com/shop/eric-singel/erics-daily-horoscope-2004/paperback/product-300894.html ?
Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.
In celebrity birthday news, who is this Adam Brody person, and where do We sign up to jump out of his cake?
And now, because We gots Christmas shopping to do, here, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalo0gcial) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli is A Reading From Madame Olivia (We love when she talks about Uranus):
Greetings Starzina ~
Madame Olivia is pleased to see you again.
Madame Olivia has been driving herself mad thinking about the paradoxical notion that action comes before motivation. How can this be? Are you crazy, Wise Person who first said this? Don't you have to have motivation first? The answer is, unbelievably, no. The reason is simple: a tiny bit of action primes the pump and lubricates the brain; momentum gathers; and motivation builds! In fact studies seem to show that this takes 90 seconds, so yes, it's actually quantified. So instead of sitting around waiting for motivation, take a tiny bit of action in the desired direction and motivation will follow. This of course will lead to more action!
Dear Aries, with Uranus in Aries you may be feeling some serious activation, maybe pulls toward some big changes, in systems, ways of thinking, geography. These changes can be both exciting and a little scary. Madame Olivia is thinking that the best course of action for now may be a bit of wait-and-see. You don't have to make the move or come up with an answer or solution just because somebody else is in a hurry. When possible, take your time.
Bright green is going to be important
It's been wonderful being with you again. All the best to you from Madame Olivia.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.