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Thursday, December 11, 2014

Riders on the Storm

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday’s Eve (for that “not-so-fresh” feeling),  December Elebbenst, 2014.

Happy Birthday to John, who turns twenty-four today in a suburb of The City That Loves You (On Y0ur) Back.  The self-same suburb, oddly enough, in which both Domenick and Summer turned twenty-four just the other day.  Which would appear to imply that there is an ample sampling of twenty-four-year-olds scampering rampantly about said suburb.  We may have to organize a field trip…

Happy Birthday also to Beth, who also turns twenty-four today.  In Colorado, a large, square state from which We are currently awaiting a sext.  (Not from Beth.  (In case that was unclear.))

Happy Birthday also too to Darin, as well as also too to Richard, each of whom also too turns twenty-four today, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  As well.

And last but not Lee Strasberg, happy(possibly belated) birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today (or turned twenty-four recently, depending upon which sources you believe), in New York.  New York, New York, The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).

In random news, We just learned that Our future ex-husband Nick Jonas was at the Cantina los Caballitos in Our very Own neighborhood last night.  And not ONE of YouBitches called Us.

Those of you who have had the misfortune of seeing Us recently will be shrilled and delighted to learn that We are finally getting Our hurrrr did this afternoon, so when next you see Us, We may actually be presentable.

In other news, We managed not to lose Our job at the Murder Mystery Factory last night.  And how lovely is it to have a job where the best thing you can say about it is that you didn’t get fired?

In other other news, there are white things falling out of the sky, and it is not even officially winter yet.  We do not approve.

It is actually a miracle that We are e-pisstling today at all.  Ya know how We’ve been saying that, in addition to the Murder Mystery Factory destroying Our December, the one thing We were looking forward to, prior to going away for the holidays, has been cancelled? Well, today was the day on which that cancelled thing was supposed to be happening.  Sigh.

In related news, who do We have to blow to get a dick pic sexted to Us?  Colorado?  Minnescondakota Is this thing on?Jeebus Cripes.

On a positive note, check out Our Best Of Holidailies™ Award  here:  

and go to the e-ntry directly here: 

We have leapt recently into Sagittarius, Our video for which is above.  (If We had Our finger on Our ephemeris We could tell you exactly when.  (Dirty-minded Gentle Readers with limited vocabularies just went scurrying off to Google “ephemeris” on Wikipedia.  Quests for knowledge are HAWTT.))

Here is the link with which you may share Our Sagittarius video with both of your friends:  

And here, for your further edification, is Our very first Sagittarius video:

Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here:  ? 

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.


In celebrity birthday news, it is Rider Strong’s birthday.  As he is substantially less busy than Nick Jonas, perhaps he will sext Us…

You are feeling quite excited over a new person or upcoming event — and it’s contagious!  (So is herpes!  Also leprosy!  (Although the idea of getting to walk around ringing a bell and shouting, “Unclean! Unclean!” and thereby getting people to leave One the hell alone is oddly appealing.))

Those around you may not even know what’s got you so worked up, (You’d be worked up too if you had herpes AND leprosy.)

but they sure do like what they see.  (Chancres and pustules and boils, oh my!)

Do you tell the truth or take that dare? (Kiss Us quick, We’re Kitty Carlisle.)

If it’s up to you, you say yes to both! (Also to the dress.)

Who can keep up with you?  (Nick Jonas?  Rider Strong?  Blair in Colorado? Allen in Minnescondakota?)

Someone is out to get you!  (Yeah, not so much.)

Early on, scope out your foes and renew alliances with friends. (Okay, is it just Us, or does “scope out your foes” sound like it should mean something really disgusting?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

You may even need to draw a line in the sand.  (Does One do that the same way One writes One’s name in the snow?)

Before you launch the cannons, (“Launch the cannons” is a euphemism, riiiiight?)

(It means “sext Us a dick pic”, in case you didn’t know.)

insist on a pirate parlay. (Arrrrrrr!)

Good communication may stave off an ugly war. (As opposed, presumably, to a lovely , tasteful war in a pretty party dress, with white gloves and a picture hat with cabbage roses.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne
 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.