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Tuesday, November 25, 2014

You’re so cute, I wanna wear you like a suit

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday,  November Twenny-Fivest, 2014.

Happy Birthday to OurAuntSandy, who is a completely different person than the Sandy to whom We wished a Happy Birthday yesterday.  OurAuntSandy turns twenty-four today all the way out in TotoIDon’tThinkWe’reInKansasAnyMore.  (It is no damn wonder Dorothy was confused…We have been to Kansas once, and half the time One thinks One is in Kansas, One is actually in Missouri.  Also, Kansas City? Is actually in Missouri.  Except when it isn’t.)

Geography is hard.

Happy Birthday also to Ed, who also turns twenty-four today, right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Speaking of birthdays, We have leapt this past weekend into Sagittarius, Our video for which is above.  If We had Our finger on Our ephemeris We could tell you exactly when.  (Dirty-minded Gentle Readers with limited vocabularies just went scurrying off to Google “ephemeris” on Wikipedia.  Quests for knowledge are HAWTT.)

Here is the link with which you may share Our Sagittarius video with both of your friends:

And here, for your further edification, is Our very first Sagittarius video:

(If your name is Ed, do you even need further edification?)

(Heh…see what We did there?)

Speaking of codpieces (it is so relevant…watch the video), here, presented sans comment, is a pixture from a local production of Kiss Me, Kate:

So yesterday was pretty perfect, no?  All the rain they predicted for the daytime happened the night before, and it was sunny all day, with a high of 73 here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Of course, We’re going to pay for it tomorrow, as it snows on everybody’s Turkey Day travel, but whatevs.

In still other news, thanks to Our most recent efforts, Googling “Grayson Coats naked” and “Grayson Coats’ penis” on Wikipedia now return hits, much like “Elih Tani naked” and “Elih Tani’s penis”.  You’re welcome, Grayson Coats.  And Elih Tani.

Is no one going to comment on how adorable this is?  Or at all?  (Is this thing on?):

Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here: 

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.


In celebrity birthday news, Our celebrity birthday website informs Us that it is the birthday of one Joey Chestnut.  His claim to fame, according to said website?  “Other.”  Naturally, We were compelled to Google him on Wikipedia…

He is a competitive eater.

We give the fuck up.

You’re using people to your advantage today — but you’re not hurting them, so your karmic debt stays the same. (Where are these damn people?  Other than yesterday’s story about Allen, We don’t recall much of this “using to Our advantage”.  And THAT was in a damn dream…)

If anything, you may be able to use this energy to help others!  (Well, yippee-kai-yi-fuckin’-yay!)

Does it seem to you that the lunatics are in charge of the asylum? (So We’re sitting here, staring at the word “lunatic”, and wondering why it isn’t pronounced more akin to “fanatics”.  (So what We’re saying, in essence, is that clearly NO ONE is in charge of the asylum.))

A boss, manager or some other kind of big cheese may not be quite the cool, calm and collected authority figure that you were hoping for. (“Big cheese”?  Seriously?)

If that’s the case, don’t just stamp your feet and scream at anyone who’ll stand still. (Why not?  That sounds like fun.)

Instead, keep your head even while others around you may be losing theirs. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Marie Antoinette. (Oh, wait…))

Hopefully everyone will notice your example and follow it. (Yeah.  ‘Cause that could happen.)

You finally got that date! (Of course We did.  Because We were aiming for the fig.)


 It’s totally normal to be this nervous, but remember they’re probably just as nervous! (It IS an asylum, after all.)  

Don’t forget to have fun! (Wouldn’t “remember to have fun” be a more glass-half-full way of saying that?  AssHatt.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne
 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.