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Tuesday, November 4, 2014

I'm back from Suffragette City

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday,  November Forf, 2014.

Happy Erection Day too all of Our Americanese Gentle Readers.  We Our Own Self Personally will be going out to vote shortly.  It is a great hardship for Us…We have to walk all the way to the end of Our block, and cross the street. We know just how the suffragettes felt.

Later in the day, We shall be attending a focus group, and, if We have any stamina left, dropping by Literary Heartthrob Christopher Rice’s reading/book-signing at Giovanni’s Room.  This will be a clever trick if We can pull it off, as the focus group is scheduled to end at the exact moment the reading/book-signing is set to begin.  (Where is the time machine?  It’s in the credenza.  Where is the credenza?  It’s in the time machine.)

(No one noticed that We just said “Christopher Rice” and “pull it off” in the same paragraph, riiight?)

Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!: the WorldWideInterWebNetz’s only official source for “Elih Tani naked” and “Elih Tani’s penis”.  (If you have no idea what We’re talking about (lord knows, We don’t), please see here: 

and/or here:

Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first, nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, Jonathan Lipnicki’s penis (ooops) into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends: 

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.


And now, because We, in Our infinite wisdom have deemed that it would be considerate of the general populace if We performed some ablutions before going out to cast Our seed on a stone…er, cast Our vote, and because it is Loretta Swit’s birthday (!), herewith, in lieu of call-and-response with AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli is a reading from Madame Olivia:

Greetings Starzina~

Hello again. Madame Olivia is happy to receive you.

Welp, Madame Olivia has a revolutionary thought for you, leastways she thinks so: some stress is good for you! Especially if you can turn your head around from oh no here it comes to bring it on! Sometimes the fear of the thing is worse than the thing itself. Not always, but sometimes. You know what the major stressors are in your life that need changing but take a look at some of the minor ones and try the bring it on reframe.

And now, dear Aries, Madame Olivia would like to look at your much-vaunted desire to prevail in the world. You have very sensibly deferred to some external forces that have required compromise. Now, though, things are changing, and it is time for you to move forward. Uranus, the planet of liberation, has moved into Aries, so it is behind you on this 100%! To say nothing of within you. No need to rush in, though; start with small unscary changes. These can lead to bigger movement!

Word of the hour for you: moderation. Don't go overboard on this, wink wink.

It's been a pleasure to be with you. Farewell from Madame Olivia until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne
 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.