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Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Far away over the sea

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay,  November NineTeenst, 2014.

Here it is, Hump Day, and We have not even read Our Sunday paper yet.

So Happy Hump Day.

We have several Things On Our Mind of late, one of which is The Murder Mystery Factory, which is making every effort to be the death of Us (see what We did there?)

(In case you nakedly skimmed past yesterday’s complaint, here it is in instant replay:

And now, for something completely different, We’re going to complain.  (You’re shocked, We know.)

This Murder Mystery Factory job is going to be the death of Us.  We get paid when We show up to do a show, one amount if We act in it, and a larger amount if We host/stage manage it (which makes sense, because that job is more stressful, more annoying, harder, and completely unsuitable for us).  But since We have Peter-Principled Our way up to being Large Marge In Charge, We find that We are doing all kinds of work outside (scheduling, casting, rehearsing) for which We are getting paid exactly nothing. Granted, some of that work exists because We refuse to descend to the level of quality that has been deemed acceptable there in the past, but some of it does not, and We’re not exactly sure how much more of this We’re willing to put up with.

Okay, We’re done.)

And then, as if Our real-life problems were (subjunctively) in some way insufficient/insignificant, Our sleeping brain decided to regale Us with a totally unrelated nightmare, which promptly woke Us up at an hour far too early for human habitation.

Of course, once awake, Our actual problems began conspiring to keep Us that way, and We quickly realized that We required some sort of diversion. We thumbed (metaphorically) through Our mental file of Gentle Readers Whom We’ve Seen Nekkid, and soon embarked on a pleasant diversionary fantasy which lulled Us back to sleep for an hour or so.

So, Allen in Mississourontanasota, if your ears were burning this morning long about six AM Our time, that would be why.

(And, by “ears”, of course, We mean “not so much your ears at all”.)

In other news, not involving far-away penises with strange-sounding names, Zagat has decided which 50 restaurants are the best in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.  Three of the top ten are in Our very neighborhood. We’ve never been to any of the three.  YouPeople never take Us anywhere.  (Well, except in Our dreams…):

Meanwhile, cold enough for ya?  We keep Our friend Doh’s current location on Our page, to remind Us that, no matter how cold it gets here, it is always colder somewhere else.  May We please just tell you that the temperature in Milwaukee, West Wisconsonomington is only five degrees colder than it is right here?  At this rate, that poor boy won’t be seeing his testicles till he gets back here in the new year.  (For the record, We Our Own Self Personally have never seen his testicles neither.  But We believe in them, and that’s what counts.)

If you are one of the people who was fortunate enough to see Our live show, Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour,  you will be aware of Our, shall We say, affection, for British boy band One Direction.  We are aware that many of you do not share Our affection, but, nevertheless, here are the boys on Sesame Street, and if you’ve seen anything more adorable so far today, please don’t tell Us what it is, because We might spontaneously combust from the squee (this is Safe For Work (although the word “underpants” is used therein (adorably, We might add))):

Meanwhile, those of Our Gentle Readers with functional long-term memories will recall a week or ten days ago or so, when #alexfromtarget was A Thing for a hot minute.  As he was sliding down the other side of his fifteen minutes of fame, We Our Own Self Personally said, right here in these hallowed pages:

Is anyone else amazed at how quickly  #alexfromtarget  has become Not A Thing Anymore?  Although We were at the CVS yesterday, and if We could have thought of a polite way to take a picture, #lukefromCVS would totally be A Thing today.”

Well, move over, #alexfromtarget, and step aside, #lukefromcvs, because here comes (heh) #clemfrom7eleven…

Please note that the following is NOT Safe For Work.  In fact, for many of you, it is NOT EVEN SAFE FOR HOME.  It depicts a 7-Eleven employee doing EXACTLY what the URL says he is doing. (Thereby, presumably, becoming an EX-7-Eleven employee.  (They wouldn’t put up with this crap at Wawa.  (Or even Sheetz.))

You have been WARNED.

Moving on, didja know that We have been e-pisstling e-pissodes of these e-pisstles in one form or another since 2001?  And that the earliest dead-tree archival records from 2004 are now TEN YEARS OLD, and can be found (for a small fee) here:  ? 

We have precious little else to report (Precious Little is, of course, Chicken Little’s slutty sister.  (Else is her married name. (Vacation time shares are still available in the windmills of Our mind for January and most of February.))), so We suggest that, if you’re in the mood for Our usual humor with a  side of smut, you check out Our recent Joseph Gordon-Levitt Day here: 

or any of the “Elih Tani naked”/”Elih Tani’s penis” chronicles, somewhere in the vicinity of here: 

Meanwhile, We have leapt feet first, nipples-to-the-wind and tits akimbo, into Scorpio, and Our Scorpio video is above. Here is the link with which you may share it with both of your friends:

Thank Gawd We didn’t stray from the point.


In “celebrity” birthday news, the McCaughey septuplets are seventeen today.  Not that We’re entirely sure how having six brothers and sisters who are exactly the same age as you are qualifies you as a celebrity, but whatevs. ( Although, if there were (subjunctively) still such things as phone booths, they’d probably be really good at that old college prank where they all crammed themselves into one. (No, really…think about it.  (But don’t think about it too much.)))

Meanwhile, and much more importantly, now that there are no more phone booths, where does Superman change his clothes?

Since that is far too weighty a matter to contemplate, let’s get off the McCaughey septuplets (they’re only seventeen, after all), and wish a Happy Birthday to “web video star” (yes, another one…but at least there aren’t three in the same day (or seven in the same uterus (er…”phone booth”))), Grayson Coats, who turns twenty-one today (insert “gun salute” joke here.)

·         Aries You'll show the world just how good an infant car seat can be once you cast aside petty concerns like cost and safety.
·         Taurus It's not true that opening the dictionary to "loser" shows your picture, but for some reason they're still using it for "anteater," "caisson," and "dumbass."
·         Gemini Sadly, it turns out that of all the people you've ever known, the only one who has your best interests at heart is comedian Katt Williams.
·         Cancer For some reason, all your plans for life boil down to "In the confusion, we get away with both the money and the girl."
·         Leo We don't get to choose the person we fall in love with, as is obvious from the human pile of garbage you'll be following around with roses and candy this week.
·         Virgo They say if you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything, which is good enough for people who aren't going to have their legs taken off by a road grader this week.
·         Libra Now that you take a closer look at what's on display, you can tell exactly why the emperor has no clothes. I mean, Jesus Christ.
·         Scorpio You'll be ruled unfit for trial, but they seem to think you're just fine for sentencing and execution.
·         Sagittarius You said you'd retired, but $45 and a free bag of groceries isn't something a person can just walk away from.
·         Capricorn You have to stop worrying about what everyone else says, especially nonsense like "You should dress better," "Nice people don't do that," and "Put down the gun and release the hostages."
·         Aquarius You've always thought of yourself as the ultimate cat person, but you'll change your mind this week after meeting the 7 feet of man and whiskers that is Big Meow Johnson.
·         Pisces You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling fears.
Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne
 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.