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Monday, May 7, 2012

E-lim-in-ate the negatives

(Do the chirren even know what “negatives” are?)

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Monet, May 7, 2012.  Happy birthday to Our American Cousin Pat, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, happy birthday to Jackie, who also turns twenty-four today.  And Happy Labour Day to Our Australian friends in Queensland, Happy May Day to Our Australian friends in the Northern Territory, and Happy Bank Holiday to all of Our friends in Ireland. And their shillelaghs.  (It must be awfully complexicated to actually live in Australia…all the states and territories celebrate different holidays, summer is actually winter, and your poo goes down the loo in the wrong direction. )

Your Poo Goes Down The Loo is, of course Our new children’s book.  Kiss Us quick, We’re Dr. Seuss.  (Micro$oft Weird™, meanwhile, would have Us believe that neither “poo” nor “loo” is a word.  They are too, scroo yoo, and Horton Hears A Hoo-Hoo. (Horton Hears A Hoo-Hoo is Our Afterschool Special-sequel to Horton Hears A Hoo, in which preschoolers learn about queefing.))

(Have you noticed lately how Our humor is so high-brow, it’s practically sliding down the back of Our head?)

Speaking of high-brow humor, if you are free this evening and happen to be wandering aimlessly about suburbia, you will want to touch down in Ambler (where da fuck izzat?) at Act II Playhouse to see Bech and Doh Go To Camp! featuring The Lovely And Talented Michael Doherty, star of Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Pisces ( ),  as well as some other theatrical crap here in Philadelphia and its suburbs.   Here is the info:

Monday Night, Act II's Playhouse presents its May Cabaret:

Bech and Doh Go to Camp!

An evening of songs, sketches, and skidoo
from the irreverent minds of Alex Bechtel, Rachel Camp, and Michael Doherty

directed by Greg Nix

Monday, May 7 at  7 p.m.

Tickets: $20, but $12 for TAGP listserv members (simply mention this email!)
Purchase Tickets by calling 215-654-0200
Or visit

Three Entertaining Barrymore Winners ~ One Night Only!

Act II Playhouse
56 E. Butler Ave.
Ambler, PA 19002

Now, We Our Own Self Personally will not be at the aforementioned theatrical extravaganza, as We will be busy Molding Young Minds at Drexel University.  Because We’re classy and give back like that.  Why oh why can’t people learn that the first step in scheduling any one-night-only event is to check with Us regarding OUR schedule to see if We are free?  Because (repeat after Us) it is All. About. Us.


Also, gentlemen, you will notice that We have amended your show’s title, because you don’t call a show “Bech and Doh Go To Camp” when you can call it “Bech and Doh Go To Camp!”  Because what in life ISN’T better with a big bold bang at the end?  You’re welcome.  (Also, WTF is “skidoo”?)

Speaking of theatrical extravaganzas, (We just mistyped “extravaganzas” in such a way as to suggest “extra vaginas”.  We have no idea what that would mean.  We are kind of hoping that it would be just a vulgar way to refer to more than one woman.  Because if there’s only one woman involved, the plural of “extra vaginas” truly gives Us pause.  Surely ONE extra vagina in addition to the normal one would be distressing enough…)

(We have now clearly lost all of Our str8 boi readers for the rest of this e-pissode.)

At any rate, speaking of theatrical extravaganzas, thanks to everyone who came out to see The WaitStaff Plays The Match Game!   (See how that bang-at-the-end works, bois?  (You DID read that in your best Mae West voice, didn’t you?  No?  Fine…we’ll wait while you go back.))  We had so much fun doing it that We promptly scheduled some more dates:  Thursday, June 7 and Friday, June 8 at L’Etage.  And YouLuckyPeople are hearing about it here first!  Details will follow, but mark your calendars now! (Audience members had so much fun this last round that some of ‘em came back again!)

This e-pissode is truly becoming epic, or We would tell you all about how much We enjoy Enormous Changes At The Last Minute.  So there’s something to which to look forward for next time.

On another subject, here is a link to Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus: which you can use to share it with your very own personal friends who are currently birthdaying.  Not, of course, that anyone has ever actually done this, but We live in hope.

And here, because its brilliance cannot be overstated, is Our new motto:  Uranus is Our Rosebud.

And now, the HorrorScope:

Something big comes down and upsets you early on, (Having lost all of Our str8 boi readers to the contemplation of extra vaginas, We can safely say that (A.) the last big thing We saw was in Justin Bieber’s pants and (2.) it did not upset Us. (Most of the time, We fulfill Our mission to make YouPeople feel better by comparison to Us.  But every now and then We enjoy making you pee green with ennui.))

but you should be able to rebound (It has just this minute dawned upon Us that “rebound” is some sort of sports term. Which is why it never seems to be accompanied by “regagged”.  That has been puzzling Us for YEARS.)

— after all, you are stronger than most. (Well, We haven’t performed Our ablutions yet this morning.  Plus, We’ve just queefed.  (Ya hear that, Horton?))

(Is it just Us, or are there an awful lot more vagina jokes than usual in here this morning?  Str8 bois will be lining up to lick Our front door knob.)

(Yes, “lick Our front door knob” IS a euphemism.  How clever of you to notice.)

Just make sure that you’re not actively ignoring anything problematic.  (Ducks, have you met Us?  We are ignoring EVERYTHING problematic.)

Keeping things light and carefree (The only thing Carefree™ around here are Our pantiliners.)

(Ooops, We did it again…)

can be tricky when you’re up to your neck in some heavy business, (Or up to your business in some heavy necking.  (Lick the front door!))

 but you can manage to do so with grace today. (Who the hell is Grace?)

What’s the reason for your cool, calm and collected demeanor?  (Recreational drugs.)

Confidence, plain and simple. (See, if this were (subjunctively) a 50s musical, that would have been a song cue.  Of course, if this were (subjunctively) a 50s musical, “vagina” could only be implied.)

You know deep down in your (Vagina?)

gut (Okay.)

that this project or task is going to go off without a hitch. (But NOT without a bitch.)

While others fret and worry, (Also, wet and furry.  (Ooops….We lost the str8 bois again.))

you can continue to picture the celebration you’ll have once it’s all over. (Our front door knob is all a-quiver with antici….pation.)

Keep up the positive thinking!  (But should We ac-cent-u-ate it?)

Things go wrong, (DUH.)

but that doesn’t mean you need to push the panic button. (Mainly because there’s an “Out Of Order” sign on it.)

Keep your cool even in the hottest situations and you could end up impressing a secret admirer. (Which won’t do Us much good if they keep their impressedness a secret.)

(Oh, “impressedness” is so too a word!  Shove it up your hoo-hoo, Micro$oft Weird™!)

(See?  Two bangs for the price of one, right in the end.  Our madd marketing skillz, let Us show them to you.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.