Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ToozDee, May 29, 2012. Happy birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today. We have no idea if he even knows of the e-xistence of these e-pisstles, but better chafed than snarly.
Several recent events have brought to Our attention the fact that We may need to begin building a bridge with which to get over Ourself. However, prior to commencing said construction, We must just congratulate Ourself on this weekend’s e-pissodes, both of which We thought were e-xemplary. If you were unable to e-njoy them in their e-ntirety the first time around, because you were, say, on a Haitian vacation, We suggest you go and peruse them now. We’ll wait here.
(That e-hyphen thing really is a-nnoying, i-sn’t i-t?)
This morning’s coffee is displeasing to Us.
One wonders, if One is already building Oneself a bridge, if it would be that much more difficult to also build Oneself an attention span, because…oh, look, a sparkly balloon!
We clearly got nothin’. Of course, every day can’t bring a buttocksian pimple or Ryan Gosling. In a desperate e-ffort to spice up this morning’s proceedings, We just went looking for today’s E-rix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Leave The Driving To Us. (It occurs to Us that it must be very jarring for Our Frawnch-speaking readers when We rhyme “Jus” with “Us”, making Us wonder if they read it as “Pixture Du Jour Au Juss Leave The Driving To Us” or as “Pixture Du Jour Au Zhoo Leave The Driving To Oooo”.) #CrazyPeopleProblems
Yes, people, that was a hashtag. We are leaping boldly into the new decade; deal with it.
What were We talking about? Oh, today’s pixture. It did not aid Us in Our e-fforts to be e-ntertaining. However, We are clearly gonna need a bigger bridge.
Speaking of e-ntertaining, the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game again by popular demand on Thursday, June 7 and Friday, June 8, at 7:30 at L’Etage at 6th & Bainbridge. Did We mention that, the first time We played, a number of people came back for more than one performance? Well, We did now. Reservations are strongly suggested, and can be obtained here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/250950 Find more info on Our SitOnMyFaceBook event here: http://www.facebook.com/events/429387893745900/ Be there or be square.
Meanwhile, here We are just recovering from Sicily Yoder’s birthday festivities, and now We have to celebrate Annette Bening’s birthday. Will the whirlwind never stop?
Here’s the HorrorScope:
Slow down and take all your tasks one at a time. (Oh, Honey. We are fairly certain that the only thing slower than We are is death.)
You need to make sure that you’re able to manage all of your business before scampering off to start something new. (Okay, even if you are A Gentle Reader who has never met Us, there is no universe in which you can possibly imagine that We “scamper”.)
Just chill out. (Just fuck off.)
(If We seem distracted, it is because, ever since that first line about “slow”, We have been mentally singing the Petticoat Junction theme song, specifically the part about “that Was Uncle Joe, he was movin’ kinda slow at the Junction”, and We realized that, while We have an entire brain cell devoted to Bea Benaderet, We haven’t got any idea who the hell the actor was who played Uncle Joe. And, now that We’ve Googled him on Wikipedia and discovered that his name was Edgar Buchanan, We realize that We completely don’t care.)
(It is not easy being Us.)
(That bridge, she is going to need to be the Golden Gate. Also, she must span The River Kwai.)
Just because some other people are huffing and puffing through the day doesn’t mean you have to join the crazy rat race! (Well, DUH. Who wants to race against crazy rats?)
Do not let their hysteria or anxiety force you to second-guess the way you’ve chosen to live your life. (Wait…We get another guess?)
Right now, going at your own pace is more important than ever. (Any less pace and We’d be going backwards.)
Take your time today, and linger wherever and whenever you want to linger. (Also, finger wherever and whenever you want to finger. (See how, right away, Our way is more fun?))
(That bridge, she is going to need to be Gina Lollobrigida.)
There is no race to win — there is only a journey to enjoy. (Oh, goody. Kelli’s resorted to Chinese fortune cookies now. Shouldn’t that sentence end “in bed”?)
Make an effort to be more positive. (That’ll never work.)
It’s easy to sink into pessimistic thoughts, but in the long run you’ll be worse off than before. (ExACTly. (Seriously…see what she said?))
There’s always someone else who has it rougher. (Said the porn star wearing the sandpaper condom.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.