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Wednesday, May 23, 2012

I ate a meatball off the floor right over there

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  HumpDay, May 23st, 2012.  Happy birthday if it’s your birthday.  Quite frankly, We don’t give a shit.  We would make a list of all the things that are pissing Us the fuck off today, but there aren’t enough pixels in an infinite universe.

So, in an effort to keep it terse and brief, and Our briefs in Our purse, and succinct and to the point, and sinks suck and smoke a joint…what were We talking about?  Oh, yes….by popular demand, the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game again on Thursday, June 7 and Friday, June 8, at 7:30 at L’Etage at 6th & Bainbridge.  Did We mention hat, the first time We played, a number of people came back for more than one performance?  Well, We did now.  Reservations are strongly suggested, and can be obtained here:  Find more info on Our SitOnMyFaceBook event here:  Be there or be square.

In still other news, We just know you couldn’t make it through the rest of your week without knowing that Justin Bieber’s fans have nicknamed his penis Jerry:  It should be noted that We actually made the first Justin Bieber’s penis joke on record in September of 2010.  Herewith is video evidence of same:

Also, now that some Rice-A-Roni™ slinging hash-house in San Flancisco has closed, Our neighborhood now boasts the oldest Italian restaurant in the country:

In still other other news, We have moved into Gemini.  Here is a fillum for you to resoundingly ignore: , much the way you resoundingly ignore these horoscopes, and Us Our Own Self Personally.

Shouldn’t We be having a much better day, given that it is Joan Collins’s birthday and all?

Here’s  the HorrorScope:

Try to spell-check yourself even in the middle of conversation.  (What the gigflorglenertz does THAT mean?)

Don’t let embarrassing spur-of-the-moment utterances (Fuck you!)

keep you from making the right impression with that date or potential employer.  (What if Our date IS Our potential employer?  (Hypothetically, of course…how could We be a hooker when We can’t even give it away?))

(It would seem, in Our case, that “hypothetically” should actually be “hyperpathetically”.  Discuss.)

Someone you used to have strong feelings for, either positive or negative, will appear back on the scene today, either via email or voice mail. (Is it just Us, or do sending email or voice mail not count as actually “appearing on the scene”?  Because if you ACTUALLY appear on the scene, it is much more difficult to erase you or shove you into Our spam folder.  (And yet, not completely impossible.))

Their allure is undeniable, (Didja ever notice that “allure” is not a particularly alluring word?)

although you don’t know if you are ready to reconnect. (“”Reconnect” being, naturally, a euphemism.)

Wait until you know more about how you feel. (Feel about until you know more how much you weigh.)

(Everything is a potential fat joke.  Discuss.)

This is not something you should act on impulsively. (Don’t you tell Us how to act!)

Getting back in synch with them could turn out to be much more complicated than you realize. (Boy bands are difficult, especially around the holidays.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

Their life is no less complicated than it was when you knew them.  (Lather, rinse, regurgitate.)

(No, We have no idea.)

Rather than settle into one scene this evening, plan to skip around and do whatever suits your fancy. (We shall skip to the loo, my darling.)

(You want to touch Us where We pee, don’t you?)

You’re like a social shark — keep moving, and you’ll do more than survive, you’ll thrive.  (When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way, from your first cigarette to your last cabernet…)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.