Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Mandate May Force Teens To Undetail Elf.
(Here’s a helpful hint: if you are wondering, at this juncture, what the hell is an undetailed elf, you may just want to stop reading now.)
(Here’s a second helpful hint: writing essays in longhand to answer questions on an advanced college literature final on the subject of Cleopatra in the afterlife makes for a really long and boring dream. (Ask Us how We know…We dare ya.))
And how are We feeling this morning? Thank you so much for asking. Our bout with allergies has almost abated, leaving behind (heh…she said “behind”) a chest full of phlegm which We are keeping in the space where Our heart should be.
Is it just Us, or does A Chestful of Phlegm sound like the title of a Victorian romance novel? (But NOT a Gregorian chant. Because it would be really difficult to chant “phlegm”. Even for monks. Hell, even for The Monkees.) Of course, for A Chestful of Phlegm actually to be published, “chestful” would have to become a word, and “phlegm” would have to mean something else entirely. Also, One would probably be wise to find a way to work in the word “nosegay”.
We were about to further expound on that theme by saying something about “penny dreadfuls”, but We just chanced to glance at the weather, and all of Our ambition just flung itself over the parapet.
If this all seems a little disjointed this morning, We should point out that, in between paragraphs, We are doing a load of laundry and mixing in a bit of housecleaning. Also, based on a quick re-read of what We’ve written so far, while it may be disjointed, We’re pretty sure the last thing We need is a joint.
It seems to Us that there were so many things this weekend about which We ejaculated (heh), “We must remember to put that in Monday’s Horoscope!” (Please note: when using the verb “ejaculated”, a subsequent exclamation point is practically obligatory.) Of course, ask Us if We can remember a single one of those things now…
Meanwhile, how many of you have “Daydream Believer” stuck in your heads now? Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.
On another subject, since We’ve absolved you of the need to send Us a joint, won’t you please go and watch Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlqQw4TppqY ? And then share it with your friends who are having Taurus birthdays?
And here, because its brilliance cannot be overstated, is Our new motto: Uranus is Our Rosebud.
And now, the HorrorScope:
Avoid anything that seems like it might take work or energy — you have precious little of either! (NOW you tell Us…after We’ve already loaded the washer and hauled out the vacuum cleaner.)
(Our health MUST be improving…both “loaded the washer” AND “hauled out the vacuum cleaner” just struck Us as really dirty euphemisms. Look out, sketch comedy class!)
You just need to recharge those batteries and take a pass on anything that might deplete them further. (That sentence improves markedly if you replace “pass” with “piss”.)
If you think that you can only meet up with that certain someone in your dreams, think again. (Did We not Already mention? Essay test…literature…Cleopatra in the afterlife…YAWN!)
(We initially neglected to space between “Cleopatra” and “in”, thus creating the new Egyptian tourist attraction, the Cleopatrain. Insert asp joke here.)
The only thing stopping you from having a rewarding conversation with them is you — or rather, your fears. (You mean Our fear of asps? Our aspphobia, if you will? (Or even if you won’t what makes you think We care what YOU think?))
(We feel an asp riff coming on.)
This person is more willing to connect with you than you might realize, so why are you doubting your social skills? (Asp not what your country can do for you…)
The stars are sending you a bit of an ego boost early in the day (Lego Our ego. Also , kiss Our asp.)
— use it to make the first move (Pawn to Queen’s bishop’s asp.)
(We have no idea what that even means.)
(So is the entrance to an asp’s lair its asp hole?)
and get a conversation going that you may never forget. (Much like this one? AspHat.)
Mutual pastimes may spark a romantic encounter. (Mutual asptimes, on the other hand, may prove fatal.)
So if someone you’re crushed out on (“Crushed out on”? Is Kelli writing for Tiger Beat now?)
shares a common interest, suggest a group effort. (Two’s company, three’s a crowd, but a group effort is an orgy.)
Work on a project as a team, (Asp a team, aspartame, asp a team, asparta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta….)
(Heh. She said “ta-tas”.)
(She also said “asp”.)
(Bringing Us, naturally, to that famous song from A Chorus Line, “Ta-tas and Asp”.)
and you could accomplish more than just the task at hand. (Well, you know what They say: “An asp in the hand is worth two in the bush”. (Didja ever notice how They always say, “You know what They say”, but They never say, “You know what They mean”? Mainly because you never do. Know what They mean, that is.))
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.