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Friday, May 11, 2012

It’s not a matter of luck, it’s just a matter of time

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FritoLayFabergeFriDay, May 11, 2012.  We just spent the sum total of Our remaining brain power attempting to figger out what sort of products would be produced by a merger between Frito Lay and Faberge.  Trust Us, it is totally not worth the effort.  You’re welcome.

Happy Almost Mothers Day to all you Almost Mothers out there. (That was, of course, your Erix Daily Horoscope public service announcement reminding you that Sunday is indeed Mothers Day.  The things We do for YouPeople.  For FREE.  Jeebus.)

We, of course, are still battling Our seasonal allergies, which began two days ago with a sore throat and now have Us spewing snot in every direction.  We were forced to cancel dinner with a Gentleman Caller last evening (snot being much more unattractive than a gimpy leg (Gentleman Caller and gimpy leg propelling Us into the realm of litter-airy allusion, thereby well and truly classing up the joint)), and now we have reached the charming stage of depression in which Everything Is On Our Last Gay Nerve.  How you must all wish We would invite you over for a Parcheesi tournament.

Yes, We suppose “Parcheesi tournament” COULD be a euphemism, but We have no idea for what.

An email from Travelocity this morning exhorted Us to “take your sweetie to Tahiti”.  How We keep from going on a killing spree, We’ll never know.

Meanwhile, in political news, give a Republican a fish and he'll think he learned how to fish. Teach him to fish and he'll call you socialist.‏

On another subject, since there’s absolutely nothing you can do to make Us feel any better, won’t you please go and watch Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus video: And then share it with your friends who are having Taurus birthdays?  You won’t?  Oh, okay, then.  Just see if We remind you when Fathers Day is.

And here, because its brilliance cannot be overstated, is Our new motto:  Uranus is Our Rosebud.

And now, the HorrorScope:

You need to ground your emotional state in something real. (Ground beef?  Ground coffee?  Groundhog Day?  We got nothin’.  (Speaking of coffee, on a positive note (LA!), We are using Our snotosis, which renders Us incapable of tasting anything, to drink some of the truly vile flavored coffee We bought on sale recently.  Because, as the saying goes, waste snot, want snot.  (What does that even mean?)))

(The coffee, for those who are wondering is pumpkin spice flavored.  Not pumpkin pie, mind you, which is what We were imagining.  So it tastes almost entirely like ginger, and not at all like coffee.  Or like Mary Ann.  Of course, to Us at the moment, it tastes like snot, so all is well with The Universe.)

(Where ELSE are you gonna get free Tina Louise jokes in your morning email?)

Your life is complicated enough without needing to wrap yourself up in anything too crazy. (There needs to be some joke here involving the phrase “crazy quilt”.  Get on that, wouldja?)

Let your people handle their own issues.  (Fuckin’ A right!  Anybody shows up here today with issues gets to handle Our tissues.  And it will NOT be pretty.)

(Beam me up, Snotty.)

(That just came to Us.  Please send help.)

Have the confidence to do what you want today. (Vacuum Our sinuses?)

Don’t be afraid to step into a new situation. (Oh, dear Jeebus…just shoot Us.)

Sure, you might not know how everything works at first, but that doesn’t have to put you at a disadvantage. (All this snot, on the other hand…)

After the first five minutes, your nerves will be back to normal and you will even start to feel a sense of accomplishment. (Yippee.)

Step out of your comfort zone (There is no comfort in Our current zone.)

— there’s just no other way to get that ‘hey, I can do this!’ feeling. (How ‘bout a ‘hey, We can breathe!’ feeling?)

So take a deep breath and do it! (Hey, We can’t do that!)

Someone definitely crawls under your skin and stays there for the duration of the afternoon.  (Charming.)

A good, thorough scratch, unfortunately, won’t get rid of this parasite. (How ‘bout a potato peeler?)

So when all else fails, remove yourself from the situation.  (Um…wouldn’t Ourr skin be coming with Us?  AssHat.)

After all, they’re cramping your style. (The complete lack of style in here this morning would astound you.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.