Hello, Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FritoLayFabergeFriDay,
May 11, 2012. We just spent the sum
total of Our remaining brain power attempting to figger out what sort of
products would be produced by a merger between Frito Lay and Faberge. Trust Us, it is totally not worth the
effort. You’re welcome.
Happy
Almost Mothers Day to all you Almost Mothers out there. (That was, of course,
your Erix Daily Horoscope public service announcement reminding you that Sunday
is indeed Mothers Day. The things We do
for YouPeople. For FREE. Jeebus.)
We,
of course, are still battling Our seasonal allergies, which began two days ago
with a sore throat and now have Us spewing snot in every direction. We were forced to cancel dinner with a
Gentleman Caller last evening (snot being much more unattractive than a gimpy
leg (Gentleman Caller and gimpy leg propelling Us into the realm of litter-airy
allusion, thereby well and truly classing up the joint)), and now we have
reached the charming stage of depression in which Everything Is On Our Last Gay
Nerve. How you must all wish We would
invite you over for a Parcheesi tournament.
Yes,
We suppose “Parcheesi tournament” COULD be a euphemism, but We have no idea for
what.
An
email from Travelocity this morning exhorted Us to “take your sweetie to Tahiti”. How We keep from going on a killing spree, We’ll
never know.
Meanwhile, in political news,
give
a Republican a fish and he'll think he learned how to fish. Teach him to fish
and he'll call you socialist.
On
another subject, since there’s absolutely nothing you can do to make Us feel
any better, won’t you please go and watch Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:
Taurus video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlqQw4TppqY
And then share it with your
friends who are having Taurus birthdays?
You won’t? Oh, okay, then. Just see if We remind you when Fathers Day
is.
And
here, because its brilliance cannot be overstated, is Our new motto:
Uranus is Our Rosebud.
And
now, the HorrorScope:
You
need to ground your emotional state in something real. (Ground beef? Ground coffee? Groundhog Day? We got nothin’. (Speaking of coffee, on a positive note
(LA!), We are using Our snotosis, which renders Us incapable of tasting
anything, to drink some of the truly vile flavored coffee We bought on sale
recently. Because, as the saying goes,
waste snot, want snot. (What does that
even mean?)))
(The
coffee, for those who are wondering is pumpkin spice flavored. Not pumpkin pie, mind you, which is what We
were imagining. So it tastes almost
entirely like ginger, and not at all like coffee. Or like Mary Ann. Of course, to Us at the moment, it tastes
like snot, so all is well with The Universe.)
(Where
ELSE are you gonna get free Tina Louise jokes in your morning email?)
Your
life is complicated enough without needing to wrap yourself up in anything too
crazy. (There needs to be some joke here involving the phrase “crazy quilt”. Get on that, wouldja?)
Let
your people handle their own issues. (Fuckin’
A right! Anybody shows up here today
with issues gets to handle Our tissues.
And it will NOT be pretty.)
(Beam
me up, Snotty.)
(That
just came to Us. Please send help.)
Have
the confidence to do what you want today. (Vacuum Our sinuses?)
Don’t
be afraid to step into a new situation. (Oh, dear Jeebus…just shoot Us.)
Sure,
you might not know how everything works at first, but that doesn’t have to put
you at a disadvantage. (All this snot, on the other hand…)
After
the first five minutes, your nerves will be back to normal and you will even
start to feel a sense of accomplishment. (Yippee.)
Step
out of your comfort zone (There is no comfort in Our current zone.)
—
there’s just no other way to get that ‘hey, I can do this!’ feeling. (How ‘bout
a ‘hey, We can breathe!’ feeling?)
So
take a deep breath and do it! (Hey, We can’t do that!)
Someone
definitely crawls under your skin and stays there for the duration of the
afternoon. (Charming.)
A
good, thorough scratch, unfortunately, won’t get rid of this parasite. (How ‘bout
a potato peeler?)
So
when all else fails, remove yourself from the situation. (Um…wouldn’t Ourr skin be coming with Us? AssHat.)
After
all, they’re cramping your style. (The complete lack of style in here this
morning would astound you.)
(Your
Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile,
why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than
necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual
ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek
here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate
entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries),
which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and
won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate
in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is
absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal
blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the
Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets
and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
No comments:
Post a Comment