Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Munty, Hunty, May 28, 2012. Happy belated birthday to Deb, who turned twenty-four yesterday. Happy Memorial Day to the rest of Our American readers, and happy Spring Bank Holiday to Our readers in Greater Brittania.
We trust you have all recovered from the grueling story of Our Buttock Pimple (which, for those of you who nakedly skimmed Saturday’s e-pissode, was e-ssentially the sequel to The Scarlet Pimpernel. (We have no idea what that means, but it suddenly occurred to Us, and We didn’t want to let it get away, in case it was accidentally funny or something.))
(It also just occurred to Us that We have no idea what is a pimpernel, scarlet or otherwise, so We went and Googled it on Wikipedia. Wow. How boring. And people actually READ that book? It must have been published during a particularly dreadful television season.)
For those of you who remain concerned about Our buttockian health, We would like to point out that the pimple issue (note to Self: adjectival form: pimplicious) had actually resolved itself prior to the publication of SayerDee’s e-pisstle, but, having composed virtually the entire thing in Our head before going back to sleep upon being awakened by said pimple, We saw no reason to waste Our e-fforts.
(Is this e-hyphen thing getting on people’s nerves? Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)
Speaking of things on One’s nerves, We had the misfortune to watch Drive yesterday. If only We had (subjunctively) had a film crew on hand to make a time-release fillum of Our pimple bursting, We could clearly have won an Oscar™ compared to this crap. And We are very sorry, but We completely fail to see the appeal of Ryan Gosling. Now, before all you Ryan Gosling worshippers get your knickers in a twist (which can, you should be advised, cause pimplicious buttockian eruptions) , We are not saying he is completely unattractive. He is every bit attractive enough to be, say, a sales associate at Macy’s. (Just not in men’s wear.) Or a door-to-door Mormon missionary. (The sidekick one, that they send to keep the really attractive one from having gay sex in every other house.) Or a dyslexic Wheel of Fortune contestant. (We have no idea why We just said that, but We couldn’t think of a third thing.) But a movie star? Not so much.
Speaking of starring in things, the WaitStaff will be playing The Match Game again by popular demand on Thursday, June 7 and Friday, June 8, at 7:30 at L’Etage at 6th & Bainbridge. Did We mention that, the first time We played, a number of people came back for more than one performance? Well, We did now. Reservations are strongly suggested, and can be obtained here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/250950 Find more info on Our SitOnMyFaceBook event here: http://www.facebook.com/events/429387893745900/ Be there or be square.
We just went looking up famous people having birthdays today, lest We deprive you of any essential information to share over your barbecued weenies later on. We found a site that had thirteen famous folks with birthdays today listed, among them singers Gladys Knight and Kylie Minogue, James Bond author Ian Fleming, sports legend Jim Thorpe, and former NooJork Mayor Rudy Giuliani. And, right there amidst these other luminaries? Editor of The Amish Garden News, Sicily Yoder.
So stick a candle in your shoofly pie, boyz and gurrlllzzz. (Is it just Us, or would “stick a candle in your shoofly pie” make a helluva euphemism? (Also an Elton John song. (Although they’d’ve probably frowned on it at Princess Di’s funeral.)))
Gawd bless the WorldWideInterWebNetz.
Here’s the HorrorScope:
You’re feeling the heat — whether it’s from a new romance, a new exercise regimen (Or menopause?)
or the sun of a tropical vacation. (Or that. (Son of A Tropical Vacation was, of course, the sequel to A Tropical Vacation. Starring Ryan Gosling and Sicily Yoder. It was followed by Son of A Tropical Vacation Two, Son of A Tropical Vacation Strikes Back, and Rocky Balboa.))
(Just like a paperback novel, the kind the drugstores sell….)
Whatever it is, soak it up and relish every moment — it’s times like this that make you feel alive! (When, in reality, We’ve been dead since a week ago Tuesday. And We’re starting to smell.)
A challenging — but somewhat amusing — situation (Is it just Us, or does that sound completely like a threat?)
will give you an opportunity to demonstrate your flexibility, (Maybe We’ll put TWO candles in Our shoofly pie!)
and you’ll make an especially good impression on someone who has had an eye on you for quite a while. (Maybe We’ll put SIXTEEN candles in Our shoofly pie! (Kiss Us quick, We’re Molly Ringwald.))
The two of you are about to start a new type of relationship. (Don’t tell Us, lettuce guess: not only platonic, but imaginary. Also, he’s straight. And a woman. And a straight woman. Who looks like Ryan Gosling.)
(Just like an old-time movie, ‘bout a ghost in a wishing well….)
This person is as strong as you are, and will be able to challenge you the way you need to be challenged. (Can the bitch put sixteen candles in his shoofly pie? Because, if not, step way the fuck off!)
Don’t be afraid to let him or her bring out the best in you. (We did mention that those candles were LIT, didn’t We? (Also Roman?))
If you’re feeling edgy, don’t panic. (Easy for you to say, bee-yotch…you don’t have sixteen lit Roman candles in your shoofly pie!)
(Is it just Us, or is that sounding dirtier and dirtier?)
You’re not going crazy. (Of course We’re not going. We’ve already been. Wanna see Our T-shirt?)
It’s a great time to write about what’s going on inside. (Two sentences from the end, and NOW you’re gonna tell Us what to write about?)
Whether you’re sabotaging a relationship or missing an opportunity, (Jigga what?)
you should know the details of your psyche. (Yeah, We’re pretty sure We shouldn’t.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.