Hello, Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Munty, Hunty, May 28,
2012. Happy belated birthday to Deb, who
turned twenty-four yesterday. Happy Memorial
Day to the rest of Our American readers, and happy Spring Bank Holiday to Our
readers in Greater Brittania.
We
trust you have all recovered from the grueling story of Our Buttock Pimple
(which, for those of you who nakedly skimmed Saturday’s e-pissode, was
e-ssentially the sequel to The Scarlet
Pimpernel. (We have no idea what that means, but it suddenly occurred to
Us, and We didn’t want to let it get away, in case it was accidentally funny or
something.))
(It
also just occurred to Us that We have no idea what is a pimpernel, scarlet or otherwise,
so We went and Googled it on Wikipedia.
Wow. How boring. And people actually READ that book? It must have been published during a
particularly dreadful television season.)
For
those of you who remain concerned about Our buttockian health, We would like to
point out that the pimple issue (note to Self: adjectival form: pimplicious)
had actually resolved itself prior to the publication of SayerDee’s e-pisstle,
but, having composed virtually the entire thing in Our head before going back
to sleep upon being awakened by said pimple, We saw no reason to waste Our
e-fforts.
(Is
this e-hyphen thing getting on people’s nerves?
Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)
Speaking
of things on One’s nerves, We had the misfortune to watch Drive yesterday. If only We
had (subjunctively) had a film crew on hand to make a time-release fillum of
Our pimple bursting, We could clearly have won an Oscar™ compared to this
crap. And We are very sorry, but We
completely fail to see the appeal of Ryan Gosling. Now, before all you Ryan Gosling worshippers
get your knickers in a twist (which can, you should be advised, cause
pimplicious buttockian eruptions) , We are not saying he is completely
unattractive. He is every bit attractive
enough to be, say, a sales associate at Macy’s.
(Just not in men’s wear.) Or a
door-to-door Mormon missionary. (The
sidekick one, that they send to keep the
really attractive one from having gay sex in every other house.) Or a dyslexic Wheel of Fortune contestant.
(We have no idea why We just said that, but We couldn’t think of a third
thing.) But a movie star? Not so much.
Speaking
of starring in things, the WaitStaff
will be playing The Match Game again by popular demand on Thursday, June 7 and
Friday, June 8, at 7:30 at L’Etage at 6th & Bainbridge. Did We mention that, the first time We
played, a number of people came back for more than one performance? Well, We did now. Reservations are strongly suggested, and can
be obtained here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/250950 Find more info on Our SitOnMyFaceBook event
here: http://www.facebook.com/events/429387893745900/ Be there or be square.
We
just went looking up famous people having birthdays today, lest We deprive you
of any essential information to share over your barbecued weenies later on. We found a site that had thirteen famous
folks with birthdays today listed, among them singers Gladys Knight and Kylie Minogue,
James
Bond author Ian Fleming, sports legend Jim Thorpe, and former NooJork Mayor
Rudy Giuliani. And, right there amidst
these other luminaries? Editor of The Amish Garden News, Sicily Yoder.
So
stick a candle in your shoofly pie, boyz and gurrlllzzz. (Is it just Us, or
would “stick a candle in your shoofly pie” make a helluva euphemism? (Also an Elton John song. (Although they’d’ve
probably frowned on it at Princess Di’s funeral.)))
Gawd
bless the WorldWideInterWebNetz.
Here’s
the HorrorScope:
You’re
feeling the heat — whether it’s from a new romance, a new exercise regimen (Or
menopause?)
or
the sun of a tropical vacation. (Or that.
(Son of A Tropical Vacation was,
of course, the sequel to A Tropical Vacation.
Starring Ryan Gosling and Sicily Yoder.
It was followed by Son of A Tropical
Vacation Two, Son of A Tropical Vacation Strikes Back, and Rocky Balboa.))
(Just
like a paperback novel, the kind the drugstores sell….)
Whatever
it is, soak it up and relish every moment — it’s times like this that make you
feel alive! (When, in reality, We’ve
been dead since a week ago Tuesday. And
We’re starting to smell.)
A
challenging — but somewhat amusing — situation (Is it just Us, or does that
sound completely like a threat?)
will
give you an opportunity to demonstrate your flexibility, (Maybe We’ll put TWO candles
in Our shoofly pie!)
and
you’ll make an especially good impression on someone who has had an eye on you
for quite a while. (Maybe We’ll put SIXTEEN candles in Our shoofly pie! (Kiss Us quick, We’re Molly Ringwald.))
The
two of you are about to start a new type of relationship. (Don’t tell Us,
lettuce guess: not only platonic, but
imaginary. Also, he’s straight. And a woman.
And a straight woman. Who looks
like Ryan Gosling.)
(Just
like an old-time movie, ‘bout a ghost in a wishing well….)
This
person is as strong as you are, and will be able to challenge you the way you
need to be challenged. (Can the bitch put sixteen candles in his shoofly
pie? Because, if not, step way the fuck
off!)
Don’t
be afraid to let him or her bring out the best in you. (We did mention that those candles were LIT,
didn’t We? (Also Roman?))
If
you’re feeling edgy, don’t panic. (Easy for you to say, bee-yotch…you don’t
have sixteen lit Roman candles in your shoofly pie!)
(Is
it just Us, or is that sounding dirtier and dirtier?)
You’re
not going crazy. (Of course We’re not going.
We’ve already been. Wanna see Our
T-shirt?)
It’s
a great time to write about what’s going on inside. (Two sentences from the
end, and NOW you’re gonna tell Us what to write about?)
Whether
you’re sabotaging a relationship or missing an opportunity, (Jigga what?)
you
should know the details of your psyche. (Yeah, We’re pretty sure We shouldn’t.)
(Your
Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile,
why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than
necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual
ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek
here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain
of the Penn rowing team.
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