Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for ThurzDee, May 17, 2012. We are considerably less than inspired this morning, but We already played hooker…er, hooky ONE day this week, so We daren’t do it again. Because that would be the second daren’t and, as every Bewitched aficionado knows, the first daren’t was the definitive one.
Meanwhile, in Our ongoing pursuit of making your life seem better by comparison to Ours, We just spent two minutes of Our life trying to remember Dick York’s name. (It was “Dick York”, just so you know.) THERE’S a brain cell We’ll never get back.
If there should perchance be any sketch class students in here, this would be proof of the concept that you are only a writer if you are writing. It would also, unfortunately, seem germane to the theory of a thousand monkeys flinging poo at a thousand typewriters, which results in a thousand Adam Sandler movie scripts and the lyrics to the latest McDonna album.
So far, We have said “daren’t”, “aficionado”, and “germane”. If this were (subjunctively) a Word-A-Day calendar, it would already be Tuesday. And, thus, Belgium.
Perhaps if We go and find a really scintillating (Wednesday) Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Paul Lynde For The Block, We shall become inspired. (Lest you think that was more random poo-flinging, when We were attempting to remember Dick York’s name (which, you will recall, was “Dick York”), the name that kept popping into Our head to confuse Us was Larry Tate. Which was, of course, Dick York’s character’s boss’s name. And which led Us, for some reason, to viZZZualize Uncle Arthur. Which is how We got to Paul Lynde. (Step right up for the Duck Boat tour of the windmills of Our mind.))
Wait, what? Donna Summer died?
Here’s the HorrorScope:
Your cultural instincts are flawless today, (Of course they are. We ate Mexican last night. (We had to…he fell off his bicycle.))
(On CBS this fall: The Amazing Racist.)
so sniff out the next big thing (Yowza.)
before anyone else can get to it. (You are probably wondering how We got from “daren’t”, “aficionado”, and “germane” to “yowza”. What can We say…We have a wacky vernacular.)
You may find that your energy is inexhaustible, too, (Or, ya know, not.)
so enjoy the heady feeling! (We would very much enjoy enjoying some “heady feeling”, but We are suspecting that would require a partner.)
Your lukewarm ambition (It will come as a surprise to many of you that “Lukewarm Ambition” was the Mark Hamill character’s name in early drafts of Star Trek Wars. (His father’s name was James Spader.))
(Watch out for flying poo.)
is starting to get a little hotter right now, (Well, yeah. We rubbed two Boy Scouts together and made a fire.)
thanks to the inspiring progress a friend or coworker has made. (Mmm-hmm. ‘Cause other people’s success never makes Us want to just go back to bed.)
But before you head up that corporate ladder, you have to figure out what you’ll do once you get up to the top. (Poop on the passersby. Duh.)
You need to plan your path. (And alliterate, also.)
Hold off making any big moves today. (Didn’t she just say We were making it to the top of the ladder? Make up what passes for your mind, AssHat.)
You’re getting some signals about what direction to take with your love life, so pay attention. (Could We get some of that “heady feeling”?)
Meanwhile, , as we teeter just this side of madness, do please help Us out by going to watch Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlqQw4TppqY In fact, go to Our YouTube channel and watch ALL of Our damn videos: http://www.youtube.com/user/RickinPhilly?feature=mhee Hey, we’re cracking up; it’s the least you can do.
Speaking of fillums, here, because its brilliance cannot be overstated, is the slogan for Our latest fillum: Uranus is Our Rosebud.
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.