Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherManwich™Monday, May 21th, 2012. How has it gotten to be the 21th of May already? Time fries when you’re hassling nuns. Happy birthday to John, who turns twenty-four today. In California. Swimming pools, movie stars. Also, Happy Victoria Day. To Our Canadian readers. Named Victoria. (Is it just Us, or is that an awfully specific holiday? It’s not like it’s Brazilians named Bob. Or Chinamen named Wang. (So solly…one paragraph in, and We’ve already Wang the Wong number. (We mistyped “Chinamen” two sentences ago, and Micro$oft Weird™ suggested that We might mean “Chainmen”. What the hell are Chainmen? (Meanwhile, having suggested “Chainmen” but NOT “Chinamen”, We now notice that Micro$oft Weird™ does NOT mark “Chinamen” as misspelled. So it tacitly acknowledges the existence of “Chinamen” but won’t overtly suggest its use. Way to be politically correct. Also, shut up, Micro$oft Weird™.))))
Meanwhile, Our WorldWideInterWebNetz are all abuzz with knowledge this morning. Herewith a few tidbits:
BABY BUMP: the amount of cocaine you give a baby.
SON - I got kicked out of math class today.
MOM - Why?!
SON - Apparently the answer to "What comes after 69?" isn't “mouthwash”.
MOM - GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Dear Gay Bois on the WorldWideInterWebNetz: Kindly refrain from posting something entitled “A picture of me with New Hair” when you have shaved off all your hair. That is “A picture of you with NO Hair”. There are only three times when it is appropriate to shave your head: when you are losing your hair due to male pattern baldness or cancer chemotherapy, when you are joining the armed forces, or when you have been cast in the leading role in The King And I. Any other shaving of the head does not make you look BadAss, it makes you look StupidAss. And don’t even get Us started on Those Glasses. KThxBye.
We just this minute recalled a dream last night in which We were riding a skateboard. Not only have We never done this in real life, We are fairly sure We’ve never even seen an actual skateboard up close and personal. We share this with you so you can enjoy pixturing Starzina on a skateboard. Speaking of StupidAss. You’re welcome.
In other news, We have moved into Gemini. Here is a fillum for you to resoundingly ignore: http://youtu.be/YBwdacfn2Vk
Here’s the HorrorScope:
Kelli wants Us to know that it is Lisa Edelstein’s birthday. Who the fuck is Lisa Edelstein? More to the point, it is Raymond Burr’s birthday, and Peggy Cass’s birthday, and Mr. T’s birthday. Pity the fool who talks about Lisa Edelstein’s birthday on Mr. T’s birthday. (Mr. T is sixty today. You would think he’d’ve earned another letter by now. You would be wrong.)
An email comes your way today — probably fairly late — that changes your plans in a big way. (Is it just Us, or does email sound quaint all of a sudden? Like billet doux, or carrier pigeon? Just Us? Alrighty, then.)
It’s for the better, so there’s no need to gnash your teeth in worried frustration. (They did the gnash…they did the Monster Gnash! They did the gnash…it was a graveyard smash!)
Keep checking in! (Roaches check in, but they don’t check out.)
Your family dynamic is entering a new phase right now — do not be afraid to explore it more thoroughly today. (The excitement just never stops.)
There is a new closeness growing between you and a sibling or close cousin, and it could be very exciting. (That is just wrong. On so many levels.)
They want to hear from you, so drop them a line. (We shall send a billet doux by carrier pigeon.)
A quick email inquiry about what’s going on in their life or about the latest news you have to share will pave the way for a rewarding conversation about your futures and how they could combine. (Okay, this? Is ten of the most boring horoscopes EVAH.)
Technology can make mundane tasks fly by, (Also, absinthe makes it hard, Jane Fonda.)
but don’t use it as a substitute for real face-to-face communication with that certain someone you’ve had your eye on. (Not even the glass-eyed hooker joke can save Us now.)
Take the next step offline.
(Heh. See what We did there?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.