Hello,
Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Saturday, May 19,
2012. Happy Armed Forces Day to Juan
Anne Dahl. Juan is, of course, in the
Mexican Armed Forces, which are also known as the Frito™ Banditos. Which are under no circumstances to be
confused with the French Frying Legion, also known as the McDonald’s Armed
Forces.
But
enough of this levity. We just found out
that Kerr Smith? Is forty years
old. Not today specifically, but still…how
did THAT happen?
In
other news, We have decided to keep weekend retrospectivizing until someone
actually says, “Why do you keep weekend retrospectivizing?” Or until anyone
says anything at all. Presumably, We
shall still be putting these out there after We are dead.
Above,
of course, is the twelfth installment in Our duodecad (We feel smarter every
time We say that), Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes: Taurus. Below is a retrospective of How We Got Here.
We
would be extremely grateful if you would share this video with your friends by
putting this link http://youtu.be/KlqQw4TppqY
on their SitOnMyFaceBook pages. In fact,
for every time you share this video, We promise not to eat one Ethiopian child
for lunch. Put THAT in your soup dish
and slurp it, Sally Struthers.
Here’s
that retrospective…click on a video or two.
Tiptoe through the tulips of the past:
GEMINI: Where
it all began. Gad, We were windy back
then. The most memorable thing for Us
about this e-pissode was an on-set accident that occurred just before We began
filming, in which We smashed Our nekkid left big toe into a piece of
furniture. So, in Our opening credits
sequence, which appears in each and every video, when you see Us walking down
the stairs, it will amuse you to know that Our left shoe is full of blood, Our
left big toe is swollen to the size of Daniel Day-Lewis, and We are in terrible
pain.
(How
many of you perverts are now trying to figger out what exactly the size of
Daniel Day-Lewis is?)
CANCER: All We remember about these next two is that,
in a burst of efficiency and brilliance on the part of Our director, We shot
them both on the same day.
LEO:
VIRGO: Never ones to rest on Our laurels, We decided
to change it up for Virgo, which was also the first clear indication of the
serial nature of Our storyline. The
appearance of The Angel in the thumbnail for this video predicktably piqued Our
audience’s interest (see what We did there?).
We are pretty sure We shot Libra on the same day.
LIBRA:
SCORPIO: We definitely shot these next two on the same
day. We are particularly enamored of the
Halloween art direction in Scorpio, especially the pre-credit teaser. Pre-credit teasers become more common from
here on out, while the reading of the birthday wishes is retired in favor of a
scrolling list. Also, the cameraman
character becomes gradually more defined, in anticipation of his upcoming
special e-pissode.
(All
of these musings are available to be quoted(for a small fee) as footnotes by those
doing masters’ theses or doctoral dissertations on the subject of Starzina’s
Time of the Month Horoscopes.)
SAGITTARIUS:
CAPRICORN: Here is the aforementioned special cameraman
e-pissode. This was so much fun to
shoot, and We mostly recall Our director making one impossible thing after
another happen with demented ease and glee.
(“Demented ease and glee” really should be the name of something…but
what?) In addition to its contribution
to Our storyline, it is funny to Us that this is, quite parenthetically, Our
Christmas e-pissode. Merry!
AQUARIUS: This
is Our last “normal” e-pissode, and, as such, We have almost no recollection of
actually shooting it:
PISCES: We were so fortunate to get to work with
Barrymore-Award-winning actor, Michael Doherty, on this e-pissode. Because We’re connected like that. Some day, he will be famous, and he will have
to pay Us a metric fuckton of money to destroy every copy of this video and
deny that it ever existed. No amount of
money, however, can cause Us to unsee looking down his pants:
ARIES: And, of course, Our most recent effort prior
to the incipient Taurus, which caused one Gentle Reader to inquire who the
actor playing Our mother was. Sigh.
And
We’re outtie! Happy weekend!
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner,
We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right
they are!). For real live actual
ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek
here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you
only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you
actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions
and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™,
hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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