Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FurzeDee, May Tenf, 2012. Happy birthday to Patrick, who We have just learned turns twenty-four today. All those days of crap weather, then today the sun is shining and We are under it. The weather, that is. Also, presumably, the sun. Of course, the chances of Us going for three and being under the weather, under the sun, and under your son are slim to none. Also nun. But We promise not to say “vagina” even once today.
So We’re pretty sure We have developed allergies in Our old age. We seem to recall this not being the first Spring ailment in Our history. (Speaking of history, We went trolling through the archives in an e-ffort to find a classic e-dition of Erix Daily Horoscope to re-run today, but nothing tickled Our fancy (what else is new?). So We’re live. You’re welcome.)
Speaking of history some more, specifically history in the making, how about a nice round of applause for Our President? And, by “Our”, We mean “The Royal Our”, as in “Our Very Own Personal” and “You Can’t Have Any”. Take THAT, North Carolina, and all the rest of you vile bigots and hatemongers. History will spit on all of your graves, much like those of the segregationists and the Klan.
But, seriously, how funny is Tourette’s syndrome? Not as funny as leprosy, of course, but still pretty funny.
Apparently, Our allergies are making it possible for Everything To Work Our Nerves. Yay.
On another subject, here is a link to Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlqQw4TppqY which you can use to share it with your very own personal friends who are currently birthdaying. Not, of course, that anyone has ever actually done this, but We live in hope.
And here, because its brilliance cannot be overstated, is Our new motto: Uranus is Our Rosebud.
And now, the HorrorScope:
(It has just come (heh) to Our attention that today is Bono’s birthday. So at least there will be cake. Of course, it will probably be organic, or vegan, or made out the tears of Third World children, buy, hey: cake is cake.)
You need to take it easy today — speed kills, you know! (And to think, We were just on the verge of building a meth lab in Our basement. (Shouldn’t it really be “Breaking Badly”?))
Though you may feel put upon with deadlines or other heavy business, this is not the time to rush. (We shall sell no speed before its time. Ernest and Julio CrackHead.)
Take one step at a time and avoid mistakes. (Well, if you KNEW it was a mistake before you did it, you probably WOULD avoid it. Funny thing about mistakes is, they frequently don’t self-identify until they’ve already happened. AssHat.)
This is a day (Why, yes. Yes, it is.)
when you will feel a strong drive for successes (More than one? Way to be overly ambitchous.)
— but this drive might be triggered more by jealousy than by a genuine desire to attain a certain goal. (And, assuming it results in one of these “successes” of which you speak, this is a problem because…?)
The heights that someone else has climbed look easy to attain, (But that’s only because you’re looking up their dress.)
(At their vagina.)
and you think you can give it a try. (Or throw your crack at it. As it (subjunctively) were.)
But keeping up with Joneses is not all it’s cracked up to be, (Heh. Kelli said “crack”. Of course, so did We. Jimmy smokes crack, and We don’t care.)
so do not sacrifice important things (Oh, no. Just a couple of goats. Or virgins. Or virgin goats. (Virgin goats and does eat oats, but spoiled clams are slimy. (And the old folks say TODAY’S music sucks?)))
just for the sake of following someone else’s path. (“Path” being, of course, short for “pathology”.)
You have your own route to take, so don’t go for emulation. (Don’t go for emo-lation, either. Because most people? Look really stupid when they dye their hair black.)
The words ‘I love you’ come from left field. (ANOTHER baseball player is in love with Us? Sigh…)
(How impressed are you that We knew what sport “left field” was from?)
What? (What what?)
(What what in the butt?)
You weren’t expecting this. (What? (What what?)
(What what in the butt?))
(How do you KNOW it’s an endless loop endless loop endless loop…?)
And you don’t feel the same way. (As what?)
(Heh. See what (heh) We did there?)
If you could potentially love this person, look them straight in the eye and say ’You’re great, too.’ (“You’re great, too”? Seriously? This line works for you? Jeebus.)
But if it’s no way Jose? (Who the hell is Jose?)
It’s time to end this, and fast! (So we shall.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.