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Friday, May 4, 2012

Goldfinger…




Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, May 4, 2012.  May The Fourth…oh, don’t worry.  You have every right to expect that your Erix Daily Horoscope will not contain some wretched Battle Star Wars Trek Galactica Deep Next Space Generation Nine joke.  Mainly because We wouldn’t even get it, having seen virtually nothing from the entire oeuvre.  Yes, indeed, ladies and genitals, Starzina Starfish-Browne has never seen Star Wars.  Nor has She ever eaten a Big Mac™.  There’s a third all-American thing She’s never done as well (although obviously it is NOT “talk about HerSelf in the Royal third person”), but what it is escapes Her at the moment.

Who just said, “Get laid in the back seat of a Chevy”?  WRONG!

We are, however, eternally grateful (which, parenthetically, as We typed it just now, could easily be construed to mean “full of grates”, which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, despite being the second line of the “Hail, Mary”) for whichever installment of the Battle Star Wars Trek Galactica Deep Next Space Generation Nine (copy-paste is a wonderful thing) franchise gave Us George Takei.

So, instead of some Battle Star Wars Trek Galactica Deep Next Space Generation Nine Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus Why Do Le Frawnch Love Jerry Lewus, you get a kute koala bear.  You’re welcome.

Now, lest you think We are some sort of pop culture philistine (a definition of which We would be hard-pressed to produce), We can, in fact, tell a Star Wars joke from a Star Trek joke.  As long as they are not too obscure. And We have been collecting pictorial examples of same to share with fans of the WaitStaff’s SitOnMyFaceBook page, as there is a segment of that population that would appreciate same.  However, it would no doubt amuse many of you to know how difficult it was for Us to be certain that for today, We posted a Star WARS joke, not a Star TREK one.

Sigh.  Science fiction:  not the least bit scientific, but totally fictional:  Discuss.

Meanwhile, where else on a Friday morning are you gonna get the word “oeuvre” used in the same place as a “Hail, Mary” joke, all for free?  Nowhere, that’s where.

Speaking of the WaitStaff, another Good Time Was Had By All as The WaitStaff Played The Match Game!  Also, history was made as they leapt boldly into the 1997 concept of color-blind casting, with Mister Brian Anthony Wilson essaying the role of Match Game Celebrity Sean Connery.  (Hey, you play YOUR Match Game, We’ll play OURS.)  Who knows who will turn up (turnip?) to play tonight?  Last night, We actually had audience members who had been there the night before!  So come on down (oops…wrong game show) to L’Etage tonight!

Please note that the show starts at 7:30.  Doors open at 7, when you shall be meeted and greeted by the celebrities.


The WaitStaff Plays The Match Game!

The most hilarious, bawdy, risque game show from the 70s, 80s, and 90s returns with a spin that only the WaitStaff could give it! Featuring icons such as host Gene Rayburn and celebrity players extraordinaire like Charles Nelson Reilly and Bret Somers, as well as WaitStaff favorites like Jesus H. Christ and The Real Housewives of South Philly's Duchess, along with a few Extra Special Guest Stars, including the lovely and talented Sharon Geller and the talented and lovely Peter Patrikios, We'll be rocking L'Etage on May 2, 3, and 4.

The shows are at 7:30, and the doors open at 7. Tickets are $15, but, if you mention that you heard about the show in Eric’s Daily Horoscope, you'll get in for $10. And, if you're up for it, you could even be a Match Game contestant and win Fabulous Prizes!
 

Tickets are ONLY available at the door, so get there early, get your drink on, and GET READY TO MATCH THE STARS!!!

We do hope to see you there.  (Here is a link to the SitOnMyFaceBook event, if you’d like to let Us know that you’re coming:http://www.facebook.com/events/377171015666589/ )

On another subject, here is a link to Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus: which you can use to share it with your very own personal friends who are currently birthdaying.  Not, of course, that anyone has ever actually done this, but We live in hope.

And here, because its brilliance cannot be overstated, is Our new motto:  Uranus is Our Rosebud.

And now, the HorrorScope:

Just pay attention to people today  (Sorry…what did you say?)

(That just never gets old.)

— you need them in order to make sense of what’s going on. (If they would just knock it off, We wouldn’t have to worry about it.)

Your own instincts are usually enough but today is all about relationships and observation.  (How tiresome does THAT sound?)

You might get a bit of a shock today when someone known for selfishness steps up and makes a very generous offer. ( We shall wait with bated breath.  Also, We shall bait with weighted breath.  Just in case.  Also, Justin Timberlake in Justin Bieber.  PreDICKtably, Justin Bieber screams like a little girl.)

(Sorry…Our mind went somewhere else for a moment…where were We?)

This is the real deal, so if this offer is extended to you — grab it fast, before someone else does!  (Oddly enough, Our mind wandered, and yet We’ve managed to wind up in exactly the same (smutty) place.  Go figger.)

This person is going through a real growth phase, (Or a spurt.  If you will.  Or even if you won’t.  What makes you think it’s all about you?  It’s Our fucking horoscope.)

and you are in a good place to enjoy the benefits of it. (Just don’t let it get in your eye.)

Take the opportunity to give your support and words of encouragement.  (“You can probably do it!”  “You’re not nearly as stupid as you look!”)

(Howzzat?)

Also, don’t forget to say thank you!  (Thank you!  Asshat!)

As long as you regard others with compassion and understanding, everything will be fine. (Oh, well.  You can’t have everything.)

Don’t get on your high horse and start judging people too harshly for their mistakes.  (We’re fairly sure We don’t have a horse, so We’ll be judging people harshly from a comfy chair.)

Show some forgiveness.  (Why?  What the hell have YouPeople done to Us now?)



 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.