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Thursday, July 24, 2014

Listen to Jesus, Jimmy… do I need to test your urine?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday’s Eve (for that “not-so-fresh” feeling), July 24nd , 2014.

Happy birthday to Kim, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

We are exhausted this morning, as We had dreams involving both Thanksgiving AND Christmas (it IS still July, isn’t it?) in which We had to do all the preparations for each.  Then, when We came downstairs in Casa du Crackpot and began Our morning computations, Our mouse (computer mouse, mind you…We don’t have pets, rodential or otherwise) breathed its absolute last and needed to be replaced.

Fortunately, said mouse had warned Us of its imminent demise on a previous occasion, so We had a back-up mouse waiting in the wings.  We were so proud of Ourself, being prepared like a Boy Scout like that.  (Usually, We’re only prepared FOR a Boy Scout.)

We trust you all had a wonderful Batman Day yesterday, and enjoyed all-the-cake-you-could eat in honor of Daniel Radcliffe’s birthday.

We mention yesterday because We have so little new to report today that We’re just gonna sneak in a lot of recaps and hope nobody notices.  (The naked skimmers, of course, will be fine.  (Hi, naked skimmers! (Nice place for a merit badge, Boy Scout!)))

Our energy is waning by the second.  We have two things We are supposed to do later today, and We can already feel Ourself not doing them.  (Fortunately, no one has seen Our to-do list except Us.  So, when it doesn’t turn into a “ta-da!” list, nobody will know.)

We thought We might re-energize Ourself earlier, when We put “all-you-can-eat” and “Daniel Radcliffe” in the same sentence, but no such luck.  (Day-um, if even THAT didn’t work, you KNOW We’re running on empty.)

Two things We DO have that ARE new:

Beyoncé-logue: “All the Single Ladies”:

Stuff Southern Women Say:

And now, a few return engagements from long-ago yesterday:

We have moved into the sign of Leo, which contains, amongst other things, the highest percentage of sexxxy-assz mens in the zodiac.  Our Leo video is above, and here is the link with which you may Cher it with your friends: 

You may also recall that, for something completely different, yesterday We plugged something (oh, get your mind out of the gutter) that had nothing to do with Us Our Own Self Personally.  The folks thus plugged (heh) were happy with their plugging (smut…it’s not just for breakfast any more), and are consequently back for Round Two (relax…We’re not gonna do this EVERY DAY).

This time around, instead of Our long-winded plugging (that just doesn’t get old, does it? (which, if you miss Our verbosity, can be found at )), We are simply going to quote from one of their (Tribe of Fools) pitches:

If you love Tribe of Fools, (controlled) physical danger on stage, mummers, gay mummers or foul mouthed reinventions of Shakespeare characters who live in South Philly, I hope you can help support this production. You won't regret it….”

You’re back?  Good…We hope you were generous.  As a special reward, here is a link to the Tribe of Fools’ Fearless Leader’s blog: 

Meanwhile, back to a subject near and dear to Our heart: Us.

We still have a sketch to finish for The WaitStaff Sh!ts The Bed; We are murder-mysterying tomorrow, and have people coming to see Us, but We need to figger out how many and who; and We are trying to get LOOKING FOR URANUS: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour  back on the boards.  So excuse Us if We’re just a wee tad distracted…

In celebrity birthday news, it is Jay McGuiness’s birthday.  Jay McGuiness is a poor man’s Harry Styles.  (If you don’t know who either of those gentlemen are, relax…it just means more for Us.  (Also, you are old.  (It’s Amelia Earhart’s birthday, too...why’n’tcha go look for her?)))

It’s a good day for purchases  (Fine…how much for Louisiana?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

(Oh, please.  Helen Keller saw what We did there.)

— but better for practical stuff like computers or furniture than for toys.  (Ya know what’s practical?   Needing a new mouse, and ALREADY HAVING ONE.  Who’s practical NOW, Bee-Yotch?)

You should be able to get a good deal, especially if you’re buying from someone willing to haggle.  (Fortunately, the number of people willing TO haggle is exponentially larger than the number of people willing to SAY “haggle”.)

At the moment, there’s nowhere else you’d rather be than home, and while you can’t click your heels together and get yourself there, probably because of a work situation, all you can think about is shuffling through the front door, pulling down the shades and curling up with the cat on the couch.  (Okay, that?  Was a really long-winded way to say, “Kiss Us quick, We’re Judy Garland.”)

Fade to black.  (See, no matter how much they SAY, “Orange is The New Black”, “fade to orange” will never replace “fade to black”.  Unless you’re getting a spray-tan.)

That’s not the kind of thing you’d ever do, though — unless you’d really had it with the entire world.  (Have you MET Us?)

Be flirtatious with someone who you’d like to see more of. (We tried that.  That’s how We wound up with this restraining order.)

By showing that you’re approachable and interested, it’s less intimidating for this person to ask you out. (Oddly enough, guys always confuse “asking Us out” with “asking Us to GET out”.)

Relax, smile and use body language to give the green light.  (Our body speaks in tongues, Bay-Bee.)


Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.