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Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill, he jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, July 23nd , 2014.

There is SO much going on today, We may piddle Ourselves in Our efforts to report it all…

First and Formosa, We have moved into the sign of Leo, which contains, amongst other things, the highest percentage of sexxxy-assz mens in the zodiac.  Our Leo video is above, and here is the link with which you may Cher it with your friends: (We don’t seem to know anyone whose birthday is actually today, but, if you do, why’n’tcha surprise them by dropping the aforementioned link on their SitOnMyFaceBook page?)

Seconal, Our WorldWideInterWebNetz inform Us that today is Batman Day, and that The Caped Crusader is seventy-five today (now THERE’S a pair of purple leotards that nobody needs to be thinking about (whaddaya mean, he’s not WEARING any purple leotards?)).

(We are aware that We said earlier that We don’t know anyone whose birthday is today…this is quite true, as We do not know Batman personally.  (Also, if We had been forced to guess, We would have imagined Batman as a Scorpio, but that’s neither here nor Barbara McNair.))

(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), and apropos of nothing, a local emporium of Foofie Things That No One Actually Needs now appears to be selling soap that smells like cilantro.  Welcome to The Department Of Redundancy Department.)

Thurston Howell The Thirdly, it is Daniel Radcliffe’s birthday.  Sigh.

And now for something completely different, We are going to plug something (oh, get your mind out of the gutter) that has nothing to do with Us Our Own Self Personally:

Long-time Gentle Readers Who Actually READ (as opposed, naturally, to Long-time Naked Skimmers Who Nakedly Skim (Many Of Whom We Have, Oddly Enough, Seen Naked, Although Not Necessarily While Skimming)), will recall Us waxing rhapsodic (insert “waxing the carrot” joke here) over a theatre company called Tribe of Fools, and their Fringe Festival productions of such original works as Heavy Metal Dance Fag and last year’s Anti-Hero.

In addition to being funny and insightful, their works are so physically-based and chock-full of acrobatics, gymnastics, orthopedics, and chiropractics that We cannot even bestir Ourself to be jealous when We see them.  In fact, if We are ever suicidal, We shall beg to be cast in a Tribe of Fools show, and will certainly be dead five minutes into the first warm-up.

For this year’s upcoming Fringe Festival, this wacky, zany, madcap collection of non-possessors of body fat is constructing an entertainment extravaganza entitled Two Street, which purports to be a gay retelling of Romeo and Juliet (Romeo and Romeo, if you will (or even if you won’t…since when is it all about YOU?)) set amidst two rival groups of Mummers.

(We have no idea how they’re going to work their signature dancing/acrobatics/gymnastics/contortionatics into this, as We’ve never seen a Mummer sober enough to do anything but weave down Two Street and shake an occasional tailfeather, but presumably they’re taking some sort of poetic license…)

In keeping with today’s “Leaping Into Leo” theme, one of the leads (Romeo?  (Or maybe Romeo?)) is a lovely Leo (aren’t they all?) whose work We have been privileged to see in previous Tribe of Fools productions. (This is certainly not to slight the OTHER lead (Romeo?  (Or maybe Romeo?)), who is also lovely, but NOT a Leo, and, consequently, not thematically apt.)

And why, you ask (oh, yes, you do…We hear you (We also see you when you’re sleeping…party with THAT thought)), are We telling you all this?  

Because you are just about to run not walk to the upcoming link and donate money to the Tribe of Fools indiegogo to aid then in their efforts to produce the aforementioned extravaganza (go, ahead, We’ll wait): 

You’re back?  Good…We hope you were generous.  As a special reward, here is a link to the Tribe of Fools’ Fearless Leader’s blog:

Meanwhile, back to a subject near and dear to Our heart: Us.

Since We last e-pisstled on you (and your leg, and told you it was raining), We have written two complete sketches for the upcoming WaitStaff show, The WaitStaff Sh!ts The Bed! And We still have more to write, so here are today’s blatherings from AssHatted Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) Kelli, sans commentary:

Things are moving more quickly today — and you’re right in the thick of it all! Your great energy should help you motivate people and get folks to do whatever they ought to be doing.  No one ever accused you of being shy, unwilling to speak your mind or let everyone nearby know exactly how you arrived at the opinions you express. You’re showing the world how it’s done right now, but, as usual, you’re doing it so charmingly that not only does no one mind, they’re actually gathered around, wishing they had more time.  Your insightful take on the ways of love could be in demand today when a friend asks for relationship advice. Take this request for guidance seriously. Your perception could end up saving a love affair.


Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.