Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, July 25nd, 2014.
Happy birthday to Michael (no, not THAT
Michael), who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love
Handles.
Happy birthday also to Joe (no, not THAT
Joe), who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City That Loves
You (On Your) Back.
Happy birthday too to (heh…she said “tutu”)
Eric (no, not THAT Eric), who too turns twenty-four today in Washington AC/DC.
And last but not Lee Strasberg, happy
birthday to Sutton (yes, THAT Sutton) who turns twenty-four today wherever she
damn well pleases.
We have Precious Little else today (Precious
Little being, naturally, much like Chicken Little, except played by a large
black woman). However, as We have spent
several days telling you what to do with your money (i.e. contribute to this
indiegogo (don’t imagine that We’re going to redundantly repeat and reiterate
so you can mock Us mockingly like tequila mockingbird):
…We thought it only reasonable to mention
that We have just discovered that OurSistahOvella’s Fringe show is also
fundraising, which see here:
She will be appearing in Bent, (which was one of Richard Gere’s first claims to fame,
waywayback in the WayBackMachine), because, unlike Our Own Self, she is a
Serious Thespian whose panties always know what day it is.
Of course, if neither of those endeavors seem
like something to which you would contribute your money, please feel free to
stuff a whole bunch of it into a big fat envelope and send it to Us.
We have moved into the sign of Leo, which
contains, amongst other things, the highest percentage of sexxxy-assz mens in
the zodiac. Our Leo video is above, and
here is the link with which you may Cher it with your friends:
In celebrity birthday news, if Walter Brennan
were (subjunctively) still alive, he’d be a hundred and twenty years old. He is, however, dead.
An
older relative is making trouble for you — but there’s good news, too! (The GOOD news being that the only person who
is actually older than We FEEL is Walter Brennan. And, as he is dead, how much trouble can he
make?)
(Wait…is
Zombie Walter Brennan Slash Fiction a thing?)
You
may find that you’ve got what it takes to turn their attitude all the way
around. (We got the latitude to turn they attitudes into platitudes while We
sayin’ The Beatitudes.)
(That
was not unlike rap. (As performed by
crazy white people. (With no rhythm. (And learning disabilities.))))
Just
go easy at first. (NO ONE is easier than
We are. It’s just that no one ever gives
Us the chance to prove it.)
Your
plans may not go off exactly as you’d expected — in fact, they probably can’t. (Our
pants, however, will come off promptly.
And Our panties say “Tuesday”.)
All
you can really count on for a while is that whatever can go wrong, will go
wrong — at least as far as communication goes. (Dass wut happens when the
mercury goes centigrade.)
(The
comedy in here has so many layers, it’s like an onion. In a layer cake. In Dante’s Inferno.)
It may feel personal, but it’s really, truly
universal. (Get it? “Universal”…as in, “in
the universe”. As opposed to “Personal”…as
in, “in your purse”.)
Fortunately,
if anyone is good at coming up with a Plan B, or C or even D at a moment’s notice,
it’s certainly you. (Plan B is a
pill. Which eliminates the need for Plan
A, which is an abortion.)
(You’re
welcome.)
Your
adventurous side may have a bit of a damper on it, (Well, it wouldn’t be very
adventurous if it had a Pampers™ on it, now, would it?)
but
there’s no need to force it. (In keeping with the earlier distinction between “universal”
and “personal”, what the little AssHatt MEANS is, “there’s no need to get
forcenal”.)
(Fortunately,
We ALWAYS have a need to get farcical.)
Feel
free to cancel your plans with friends or reschedule that hot date. (If you
reschedule a hot date, doesn’t it cool off?)
Your
intuition’s on, so don’t ignore it. (Sorry…did you say something?)
Namaste, MotherFuckers.
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think
of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say
(and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical)
ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our
Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better
by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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