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Friday, July 25, 2014

Precious and few are the moments we toucans share

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, July 25nd, 2014.

Happy birthday to Michael (no, not THAT Michael), who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Happy birthday also to Joe (no, not THAT Joe), who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

Happy birthday too to (heh…she said “tutu”) Eric (no, not THAT Eric), who too turns twenty-four today in Washington AC/DC.

And last but not Lee Strasberg, happy birthday to Sutton (yes, THAT Sutton) who turns twenty-four today wherever she damn well pleases.

We have Precious Little else today (Precious Little being, naturally, much like Chicken Little, except played by a large black woman).  However, as We have spent several days telling you what to do with your money (i.e. contribute to this indiegogo (don’t imagine that We’re going to redundantly repeat and reiterate so you can mock Us mockingly like tequila mockingbird):  

…We thought it only reasonable to mention that We have just discovered that OurSistahOvella’s Fringe show is also fundraising, which see here: 

She will be appearing in Bent, (which was one of Richard Gere’s first claims to fame, waywayback in the WayBackMachine), because, unlike Our Own Self, she is a Serious Thespian whose panties always know what day it is.

Of course, if neither of those endeavors seem like something to which you would contribute your money, please feel free to stuff a whole bunch of it into a big fat envelope and send it to Us.

We have moved into the sign of Leo, which contains, amongst other things, the highest percentage of sexxxy-assz mens in the zodiac.  Our Leo video is above, and here is the link with which you may Cher it with your friends: 

In celebrity birthday news, if Walter Brennan were (subjunctively) still alive, he’d be a hundred and twenty years old.  He is, however, dead.

An older relative is making trouble for you — but there’s good news, too!  (The GOOD news being that the only person who is actually older than We FEEL is Walter Brennan.  And, as he is dead, how much trouble can he make?)

(Wait…is Zombie Walter Brennan Slash Fiction a thing?)

You may find that you’ve got what it takes to turn their attitude all the way around. (We got the latitude to turn they attitudes into platitudes while We sayin’ The Beatitudes.)

(That was not unlike rap.  (As performed by crazy white people.  (With no rhythm.  (And learning disabilities.))))

Just go easy at first.  (NO ONE is easier than We are.  It’s just that no one ever gives Us the chance to prove it.)

Your plans may not go off exactly as you’d expected — in fact, they probably can’t. (Our pants, however, will come off promptly.  And Our panties say “Tuesday”.)

All you can really count on for a while is that whatever can go wrong, will go wrong — at least as far as communication goes. (Dass wut happens when the mercury goes centigrade.)

(The comedy in here has so many layers, it’s like an onion.  In a layer cake.  In Dante’s Inferno.)

 It may feel personal, but it’s really, truly universal. (Get it?  “Universal”…as in, “in the universe”.  As opposed to “Personal”…as in, “in your purse”.)

Fortunately, if anyone is good at coming up with a Plan B, or C or even D at a moment’s notice, it’s certainly you.  (Plan B is a pill.  Which eliminates the need for Plan A, which is an abortion.)

(You’re welcome.)

Your adventurous side may have a bit of a damper on it, (Well, it wouldn’t be very adventurous if it had a Pampers™ on it, now, would it?)

but there’s no need to force it. (In keeping with the earlier distinction between “universal” and “personal”, what the little AssHatt MEANS is, “there’s no need to get forcenal”.)

(Fortunately, We ALWAYS have a need to get farcical.)

Feel free to cancel your plans with friends or reschedule that hot date. (If you reschedule a hot date, doesn’t it cool off?)

Your intuition’s on, so don’t ignore it.  (Sorry…did you say something?)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.