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Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Steal his pretty little muffler and mess around with his virginity

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, July 2rd  , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Michael, who turns twenty-four today in New York. New York, New York.  The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us).

And Happy Hump Day to the rest of you.  Although, even as We were typing that, We realized its erroneosity, as most of Us will have Friday off, so this is actually A Week Without A Hump. (HOW We managed to realize that, We shall never know…they are ALL A Week Without A Hump for Us.)

In other news, faithful Gentle Readers (i.e. non-naked-skimmers) will recall the on-going saga of the pecan pie, made with real molasses and Lindt’s™ Extra Dark Chocolate.  Today is the first day since last Thursday that We have no piece of said pie for Our breakfast.  This must be EXACTLY how poor people feel.

(Are We The Queen Of All Empathy, or what?)

(Who said, “Or what”?)

In other other news, if George Takei takes a day off, do the InterNetz close down?  (Answer: no, because Josh K.)

Heh.   That right there is what you call an “inside joke”.  (You can tell it from an “inside straight” because We know what an “inside joke” actually is.)  Most people, for example, will get the George Takei part of the preceding, and some will, possibly, even think it is funny.  (Not, of course, so much “funny: ha-ha” as “funny: he never has a second cup of coffee at home”.) But only two people can possibly get the second part, and what are the odds either of them will think it is funny?

Of course, astute readers (and why you’re wasting your time reading stutes when you could be re-reading bygone e-pissodes of Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, We’ll never know) will have figgered out that the second part is supposed to be funny because Josh K is a person who does a lot of InterNetzing.  (The funniest jokes being, naturally, the ones that have to be explained.)

If, however, We have made even one of YouPeople feel funnier than We are by comparison, then We have accomplished Our mission.

In other other other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Cancer, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: ))).


Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Cancer video, which is the second  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news,  for all you motherfucking gritkissers (say THAT three times fast) out there, it is Polly Holliday’s birthday. Prior to Googling her on Wikipedia, We were firmly convinced that she had shuffled off this mortal coil. (That’s Shakespearean for “dropped dead”, for Our unedumacated Gentle Readers.)  Not because she is particularly ancient, but because We thought We had heard that she died of some disease or another.  Now We wonder with whom We’ve mixed her up.

Sorry, Polly.

Details start to get pretty irritating today (And The Big Picture ain’t no picnic neither.)

— so make sure that you’re ready to deal with them face to face. (Oh, please…have you seen what’s passing for faces out there these days?  Talk to Our ass…Our face has seen enough.)

(You say “faces”, and We say “feces”   
You say “spaces” and We say “species”
Facetious! Secretions!
Pernicious! Excretions!
Let’s call this whole song disgusting…)

(That Cole Porter sure did have a way with words, dinnee?)

If you don’t, they are sure to pile up and cause real trouble down the line.  (Oh, great…now We have piles on top of everything else…)

Finishing up all your errands isn’t that important today (Of course it isn’t…as long as We remember to buy that winning PowerBall™ ticket.)

— starting new projects is. (So now We have piles and have to live in the projects?  This day just gets betterer and betterer.)

So put off picking up your dry cleaning, getting more kitty litter or stopping to get your oil changes. (Thank you ever so much, Oh AssHatted One, for your permission not to do three things that were not now, or indeed, mostly ever, on Our to-do list.  Bitch.)

These things can wait.  (And good things come on those who wait.  Conversely, he who hesitates, masturbates.)

But when an opportunity or invitation lands right in your lap, you have to take it!  (Well, DUH.  As soon as We dig it out of the cobwebs.)

Don’t let the day-to-day routine make you forget that life is an adventure.  (Of COURSE it is.  The Poseidon Adventure.)

Go down an unexplored path today.  (Speaking of Uranus…)

(That right there was a little Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) joke.  Funny, no?)

(Who said, “No”?)

(Don’t MAKE Us come over there!)

Now is an awesome time to seek out new people and places.  (What she is neglecting to mention is that they are people with piles in places like the projects.)

Try something wild and nutty (Johnny Depp’s crotch?)

(Ooops…was that the OUTSIDE voice?)

— if you ever wanted to run the rapids, do it now. (Mmm-hmmm.  Clearly, We are a rapid-runnin’-wannabe from WAAAAAAY back.)

Work those guilty pleasures and see who pops up.  (Now, that’s just dirty.  Don’t MAKE Us re-think how much We loathe you….)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.