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Friday, July 18, 2014

It never rains in New Northwestern East Southern Californistan

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, July 18nd , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Beth, who turns twenty-four today all the way out on The Left Coast, allegedly somewhere in California that purports to be neither El Lay/WeHo nor Fran Sancisco, where they think Rice-A-Roni™ is a treat. 

Presumably, if California succeeds in splitting itself into six different states, We shall be hearing a lot more about such alleged places.   Geography having never been Our strong suit, We shan’t be bating Our breath.

(Note to Self: investigate possibility of replacing the saying “waiting with bated breath” with “waiting with masturbated breath”.)

Ooops…sorry.  That sort of came (heh) out of nowhere, didn’t it?

Happy Birthday also to Ted, who also turns twenty-four today in Greater Bostonia.

Happy Belated Birthday, meanwhile, to Dan and John, each of whom turned twenty-four yesterday.

(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), speaking of belated birthdays, We should like to point out that, on Wednesday, We pointed out that of the fifteen gentlemen on that day’s Belated Birthday list, We had seen two nekkid and one almost nekkid. To keep you abreast (ahem) of up-to-the-minute titillating (ahem) developments, We have subsequently heard from the aforementioned almost-nekkid gentleman, with whom We had lost touch.)

(We also heard from a gentleman completely unrelated to said belated birthday list, whom We had, coincidentally, also seen nekkid, that he was unable to visit Us here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back (Especially When You’re Nekkid) in August as planned.  Needless to say (and yet saying it anyway, as One does invariably after saying “needless to say”), We were disappointed.)

We are attempting to Zippy-the-Pinhead on through this, as We are off to murder-mystery this evening, playing a role We have not played before.  Which We haven’t exactly memorized yet.  But, in the interests of earning a paycheck, We shall do so shortly.  We shall be playing the husband of the character We usually play, but, since she never listens when he talks, that is no help to Us.

 We shall be dedicating Our performance in We Are Our Own Husband to Our friend, the LovelyAndTalented Charlie, who had two successful runs in the award-winning play, I Am My Own Wife. Our performance will be exactly the same thing, if you leave out “successful”.  And “award-winning.  And “play”.

In other other other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Cancer, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: ))).


Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Cancer video, which is the second  Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthday news, it is Hume Cronyn (of “Being Shoved Up Uma  Thurman’s Ass When People Make Unwarranted Assumptions” Fame)’ birthday today. Not to mention (and yet mentioning it anyway (what is up with that?)) Chace Crawford’s.  Because We are Just. That. Shallow.

Greetings Starzina ~

Hello again. Madame Olivia is happy to receive you.

You know how Madame Olivia is always nattering on about living simply, though she admits
 you might snort if you saw her closets. Well, she means well and she at least aspires to simplicity, and thinks you should too. So does comedian Steven Wright. Madame Olivia laughed out loud when she heard him say "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" Oh hahaha.

Madame Olivia sees a surprise affirmation coming from an unexpected source. Just what the doctor ordered, little Aries. The world doesn't know how much these voiced appreciations mean to you. And you richly deserve them!

Be on the lookout for boat imagery of some sort-- a gondola? raft? canoe? sailboat?

It has been a pleasure being with you. Madame Olivia wishes you all the best until we meet again.

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.