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Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Hey sugar daddy, Hansel needs some sugar in his bowl

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, June 10st  , 2014.

Happy Birthday to John, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.

Happy Birthday also to Amy, who also turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Happy birthday also too to TheLovelyAndTalented Kevin, who also too turns twenty-four today up in Greater Bostonia. TheLovelyAndTalented Kevin has the distinction of being the star of the first live performance of Hedwig and the Angry Inch that We ever saw.  Back when We all still used MySpace.  (Twenty-four is OLD.)

So We trust that YouPeople have all recovered from all of your Johnny Depp’s Birthday celebrations yesterday.  We Our Own Self Personally didn’t get so much as a sliver of Johnny Depp’s Birthday birthday cake. (Although, come (heh) to think of it, We did get several candy penises (penii?), so there’s that.)

(Lest you think We make things up in these e-pisstles, We really did eat candy penises (penii?) last night, and herewith a parenthetical (hence the parentheses) digression on same:  they are, oddly enough, not cream-filled.  They do, however, taste like fruit.  Although not, as you might imagine, banana.)

The occasion for Our candy penis consumption was, oddly enough, not even remotely related to the fact that it was Johnny Depp’s Birthday. (Although (again, parenthetically (hence the parentheses)), One wonders if the stock price of the candy-penis-creating company would go up if they made candy penises (penii?) that tasted like Johnny Depp…)

(Excuse Us while We lie down for a moment…)

(On the other hand, did We mention that candy penises (penii?) are really, really small?)

(Okay, We’re back.)

The candy penises (penii?) in question (surely you didn’t imagine that We were going to STOP talking about candy penises (penii?), did you?) were thrown at the audience during curtain call of last night’s final sketch comedy class, during which the students perform a show of entirely original material.  They (the students, We mean) were really good (even without the candy penises (penii?)).

Okay, now We’re going to stop talking about candy penises (penii?).

Did We mention that We got a flesh-colored candy penis?

True fact…no lie.

Okay, NOW We’re going to stop talking about candy penises (penii?).

Switching gears, We have something We really ought to go and do this evening.  We are trying to talk Ourself out of talking Ourself out of it, as We really OUGHT to do it, for many reasons, and it most likely will be quite enjoyable.  However, We really don’t feel like doing it all by Our Own Self.
So if any gentleman of Our acquaintance is perchance unspoken for this evening, perhaps he would care to accompany Us on Our mission.

We say “gentleman” as, while this outing would certainly not need be a date per se, We would not frown upon its being perceived as one by external observers.

We are being so circumspect about the activity involved because, if no gentleman turns up, and We don’t manage to talk Ourself out of talking Ourself out of it, We won’t disappoint anyone.

Of course, now that We’ve made it sound so much like a root canal, gentlemen will no doubt be queuing up around the block.  Trust Us, it involves entertainment (under ninety minutes of same), and very little else.  Get at Us if you’re free (or at least reasonably cheap).

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: ))).

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

It is Judy Garland’s birthday, so naturally all The Gayz have the day off.  And yet, We are still typing Our fingers to the bone for YouPeople.

You are feeling unusually introverted today — so don’t force yourself into any tense social situations.  (Way to help out with getting Us to go out this evening.  Bitch.)

It’s a good time for you to check in with any projects that may need individual attention.  (Let’s go back to talking about candy penises (penii?), shall We?)

You know that old saying about how denial ain’t just a river in Egypt?  (But what about demississippi?  There “ain’t” no old saying about THAT, now is there?)

(Candy-coated popcorn, penis, and a prize…that’s what you get in CrackerJack™.)

Right now, someone you know, or possibly you, could have just bought beachfront property on that ol’ river.  (Should We sing “Old Man Ribber” now?  Or should We let Judy Garland do it?)

If you’re avoiding an issue or trying to close your eyes when something is staring you right in the face, change tactics — fast.  (Wait a minute…wasn’t it just a few sentences ago when she said “don’t force yourself into any tense social situations “?  AssHatt.)

Avoiding it might just make things worse instead of better.  (Ya know what would make it better?  A flesh-colored penis that tastes like Johnny Depp.)

 If someone close to you is the one who won’t face facts, try to gently open their eyes. (With a Weed Whacker™.)

You’ve got a real way with connections this morning — you’ve got all kinds of ways to draw people out, from finding common ground to making the most of differences. (And yet, how much ya wanna bet not a single single gentleman caller calls Us?)

Tonight, though, you may be rather shy, so it’s okay to spend some time alone.  (GODDAMMIT!!!  STOP THAT!!!)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.