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Thursday, June 19, 2014

Let’s get physical, physical

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday’s Eve (For That ‘Not-So-Fresh’ Feeling), June 19st  , 2014.

Happy Birthday to Rob, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. 

Faithful Gentle Readers will recall yesterday’s saga of the demise of Our central air conditioning.  Thanks to all who suggested toolbelted, Daisy-Duked repairmen who could come (heh) to Our aid.  Help is indeed on the way, but will not be here until tomorrow.

(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), We are patting Ourself on the back (because if We don’t, who the hell is gonna?) for remembering to tell the repairpeople the detail that Our AC gizmo is on Our roof.  Because, if We hadn’t told them that, they would have come right on over that very minute, and then not been able to do anything.  They’d’ve been pissed, We’d’ve been pissed, and We’d’ve had to dig yet another hole in the basement to hide the bodies.)

Meanwhile, by shutting OurHouseWhereWeLive up tight, We managed to keep it significantly cooler inside than outside.  Of course, it was in the 90s in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles yesterday, so “significantly cooler” inside meant about 86.  (Lest you feel that We weren’t suffering enough to make you feel better by comparison.)

Today, on the other hand, it is only in the 70s outside, so We have opened all the windows and are letting the hot air out.  (We have also instituted a strict “no talking to Ourself” policy to aid in hot air removal.)


All of this is made possible by a stringent adherence to Helmut Newton’s Third Law of Aerodynamics.  Which is applied by standing on one leg and singing “The Big-Fig-Newton” commercial theme song. (We, of course, are A Highly-Trained Professional…do NOT try this at home.)       

We vastly prefer, however, when Our climate is controlled by a machine, the way Gawd intended, and We don’t have to think about something as boring as the weather.

(We should note at this juncture that We were only joking earlier…We are well aware that Newton’s Third Law of Aerodynamics was formulated, not by Helmut Newton, but by Olivia Newton-John, on a day when she was being particularly mellow.)

In other news, it looks like it is deciding to rain, so some of these windows are going to have to close.  It is down to 84 degrees downstairs, and 82 degrees upstairs.  Doesn’t hot air rise?  Ya know what, Barbie?  Math?  Math is not hard.  SCIENCE is hard.

In other news, We find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Gemini, Our video for which is above …and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends: ))).


Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Gemini video, which is the first Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video We ever made.  Just look how far We’ve come! (Ooops…did that get in your eye?):

And here’s the HorrorScope:

Moe Howard of the Three Stooges was born today.  That explains a lot, dunnit?


Don’t dismiss today’s major issue — even if it seems kind of silly at first glance. (Wanna hear a silly major issue?  The General’s privates.)


You need to take it seriously if you want to keep it from growing out of control. (Was that a fat joke?)

It should be manageable now.  (Shoulda-woulda-coulda.  (Buddha-gouda-barracuda.))


Some wild news comes your way, but luckily, just about all of it is positive for you. (Wild news would seem, generally, to be more positive than tame news, no?)

The word should arrive via some higher-up you were positive had never even noticed you, much less thought you were worth thinking about. (So wait…Johnny Depp is gonna take Us to see Neil Patrick Harris in Hedwig?)

 Once you’re past the amazement and you’ve discovered that you weren’t being ignored, you need to make a big decision.  (The General’s privates…get it?)


A wonderful bolt from the blue should make that a lot easier!  (Are you sure?  Not a colt from the zoo?  Or a dolt from Peru?)

Pay attention (Sorry…did you say something?)

(Heh…see what We did there?)

to your dreams for hints at what your subconscious wants.  (Ice cream is a dish Moss Hart makes.)

We often repress desires without realizing it. (We didn’t realize that.  We’ll have to force Ourself to stop.)

(Oh, wait…)

Stop over-rationalizing and give into a fantasy or two. (It is completely rational that Johnny Depp would take Us to see Neil Patrick Harris in Hedwig.  An irrational fantasy would be Neil Patrick Harris taking Us to see Johnny Depp in Hedwig.)

Namaste, MotherFuckers.

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

 (Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.